To have let her pay for flight change

[rockete]

My sister decided to move her wedding forward by 6 months for various reasons I won't get into. This meant booking the new date with only 3 months notice, and she checked before booking that close family members would be able to make the new date.

Unfortunately we were due to fly back from holiday very late the night before the new wedding date which we had booked some time ago. I was concerned that this would mean if the flight was delayed or cancelled then we might miss the wedding and that even if it wasn't, as we wouldn't get to bed until the small hours our 2 young children who are in the wedding would be exhausted and not cope well with the long day. I told her all this but as they had already paid deposits etc for the original date, this was the only date that would be doable for venue, suppliers etc to all be free.

She offered to pay for new flights for us so we could get back earlier (£300ish) but I found out I could pay to move our original flights for £100. She said multiple times that she was more than happy to pay for this as it was her decision to move the wedding at such short notice. My mum then also offered to pay as part of her contribution to the wedding. I changed the flights and paid the fee as it was all on my credit card, it means we lose a day of our holiday but we don't mind as obviously the wedding is more important.

A couple of months passed and the wedding is now in a month and no one had mentioned the money again. I thought it had ended up in a situation that my sister thought my mum had paid and my mum thought my sister had so I asked if they had discussed it as they had both offered. My mum spoke to my sister and suggested they split it 50/50. My sister ended up transferring the whole £100 to my bank account but accompanied this with a message telling me she's "a little surprised" that she's paying for this as well as she is also paying for my hair and makeup which is nearly £100 and has paid for my bridesmaid dress. She is having 6 bridesmaids and paying for the dress for all of them but only makeup/hair for me and my other sister, the rest are paying for their own. She is not paying for the outfits for child attendants including my 2 if that is relevant.

I was very hurt by her message as feel she is implying I am being grabby, but WABU to let her pay (after she offered several times!) when she is paying for my hair/makeup/bridesmaid dress as well?

She offered and so should have given you the money at the time. However I probably would have let it go and pay myself. You are doing a nice thing for her though by giving up a day of your holiday!

Absolutely! She’s the grabby one.

She’d be getting another “surprise” if she was my sister - the surprising lack of a wedding present!

So basically, your offer to pay would have been meaningless. That’s the only reason to think “Wow!” when actually asked for the money.

Not meaningless at all no, in my situation if I offered to pay I'd have made sure I paid, so I wouldnt be in this situation. But ages down the line if it got brought back up I would probably think wow, like I said. However I would pay it, because I said I would. However being on the other side of this I'd have just left it and not asked for the money and put it down to experience. But we are all different, rightly so.

Why would you think “Wow!” and not “Oh shit, I forgot to pay!”?

I agree that I'd also cut back on the wedding present. The fact that you asked for the money likely means that money is fairly tight for you, is that correct?

She's already made you miss a day of your holiday.

If you're comfortable financially then you should have let it go.

YANBU for asking, she offered. I would reply asking why she is surprised when she offered?

Side note, had she already offered to pay for your hair and make up before the flight offer? Im thinking if maybe she thought you had declined her flight money offer (or your mum had paid) and so the hair and make up was to "pay you back" in her way by saving you that money. And now shes been stung for both?

It’s all a bit strange. When she moved the date and you explained the issues, was there ever any suggestion that you would not be able to attend if she didn’t pay for the flight change? If there wasn’t, and you can actually suck up £100 fairly easily (who is better off, her or you?) then it was a weird thing for her to have offered to pay. It’s one of those things people say when what they really mean is “oh I’m really sorry this is inconvenient and I feel bad that it’s costing you money”. I think in their minds they feel like offering is enough to take the sting out, IYSWIM.

By the way, shouldn’t she have made the offer on behalf of herself and also her fiancé?

Reading your OP, it sounds very much like despite the offers from your mum and sister to pay, you then found a cheaper way to alter the flights and then put it on your own credit card. Even reading your post a couple of times I really can't see where you accepted their offer to pay? If you had said yes thanks so much, we will change the flights if you can pay, you have my bank details please just pop it in there - that would be one thing. But it sounds like despite their general polite noises about paying, you put it on your own credit card yourself and said no more. It must have been a bit of a surprise to your sister and mum when you then wanted money some time later when flight arrangements had all but been forgotten.

An agreement is an agreement so YANBU. But who wants you to have professional hair and make up, her or you?

Did you pay for her hair and make up at your wedding?

If it’s you who wants I think you are a bit grabby and should pay yourself.

No, the wording is as below:

She offered to pay for new flights for us so we could get back earlier (£300ish) but I found out I could pay to move our original flights for £100. She said multiple times that she was more than happy to pay for this as it was her decision to move the wedding at such short notice.

”This” refers to the £100, not the cost of a new flight that was originally thought to be necessary.

YANBU. She moved her wedding date after you booked your holiday. You are already cutting your holiday short by a day and she offered to cover the change of flight cost.

Hair/makeup/dresses is not a favour to you and presumably if there are other bridesmaids she is paying for them all. Either way, it is a complete aside to her offer.

Thanks all. It's useful to get different perspectives and helps me to understand where she might be coming from (though I still think if it was the other way around I would just have paid). I agree that the time that passed between the offers and me bringing it up again probably didn't help. I think I was hoping she would bring it up. I would probably have let it go but have been a bit stressed about how much some other wedding related things are costing. I've recently spent £300+ on her hen do including me covering my share of her costs and I had (probably naively) assumed she would be paying for my children's outfits as part of the wedding party and it turns out we're paying (which is fine and I should have clarified this earlier instead of assuming).

To answer some of the questions that have been asked, she is in a much better financial situation than me but I could find the £100 if needed, I certainly wouldn't have not attended the wedding if she hadn't paid! To be honest, they've asked for cash as a wedding present so it would probably just have reduced the amount we would be in a position to give.

The professional hair and make-up is something she brought up and offered, I'm not bothered about it but think she wants us all to look the same so if only one of us doesn't have it (esp hair) it might look a bit odd. To be honest as we need to be there at 6:30am for there to be time for everyone to get it done I'd be more than happy not to! I thought about saying I'm happy for her to cancel this but my mum felt this might end up escalating things further. She offered this after she offered to pay for the flights so it's possible she was viewing that as instead of the flights but she is also paying hair/makeup for my other sister who obviously doesn't have the flights issue.

No I didn't pay for her hair/make-up at my wedding but no one had professional hair and make up, we all just did our own/each others including me as the bride. I obviously paid for her dress though.

I did accept the offer I felt, as I thanked her at the time of the offer, but then I think things have got confused with my mum also offering and she maybe had thought my mum was picking up the cost so wasn't expecting it.

With your update, YANBU, she should pay her debts.

I've recently spent £300+ on her hen do including me covering my share of her costs

Did you cover her entire share? Did you offer or did this end up happening?

I would ask her for this money if you were just left to pick up her share.

She sounds a CF.

No, sorry I mean we split her costs between those who went on the hen so it was only £30ish for her contribution. It was quite pricey as she wanted a house with a hot tub and various other things and it was organised pretty last minute due to the date change which pushed the costs up.

I'd have appreciated the offer, but I wouldn't have accepted and I definitely wouldn't have followed it up. It might have affected what I do about a wedding gift.

Why couldn't you fly from your holiday to the wedding? What's the point coming home for one night?