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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think H is trying to belittle me on holiday

43 replies

sadinthesun · 10/08/2023 12:31

AIBU to be upset with this the next day, although it is setting a bit of an atmosphere.

Or should I have just got over it?

Last night our teen son was being moody and a boy quiet. He has split up with his girlfriend and is obviously a bit moody at times. Then my h decided to be moody too.

When my son went back to the room, my h decided to call him a "moody prick" to me and I said do not call out son names like that. He told me to @fuck off back to the room, if I didn't like it."

I think he was also mad because my son said "what is wrong with you, why do you keep trying to portray my mum as an alcoholic to the bar owner." My son saying this is what I think led to him being called a name.

Let me preface this by saying I do not drink much at all. But I am quite a fast drinker. All holiday, he been making comments to the bar owner and indeed his wife about my drinking. Yesterday he told them how I asked him for a sip of his as (I don't drink some nights or at all during the day); so I asked for a sip of his and he told them I had gulped it. Tbh I think the bar owner is feeling for me as he just says she is thirsty!

Today I decided to stay in the room because I was upset, but the cleaners came and I went to sit with my DS and H.

My DH told son that I was annoyed because he called him a moody prick last night. I said yes and I don't like being told to fuck off etc either. He said sorry and put out his hand but I am too upset to just take this constant disrespect.

Tears started falling and I started think about all the issues I had at home with work etc.
He went off to phone somebody, I guess to say portray me as the villain who's ruining his holiday.

AIBU to not just suck it up and paint a smile back on my face? I feel for my teen DS?

OP posts:
Menopants · 10/08/2023 12:33

You deserve more respect and love in your life. I’m sorry your husband is a cunt

10HailMarys · 10/08/2023 12:35

Your husband sounds vile. I assume this isn’t a new development - I’m guessing he’s a cunt at home too? Anyway YANBU. He’s being a horrible bastard to you and your son.

HairyKitty · 10/08/2023 12:35

@sadinthesun the problem starts in this story at the part you’ve skated over. I can bet him mocking you to the bar owner isn’t the first or only time he’s done this.

UpAndAwayyy · 10/08/2023 12:36

He sounds horrid and everyone around the holiday place will be thinking the same. I'd quietly get on with the holiday, book some activities with your son, have an extra cocktail with my lunch and kick the fucker out when we got home.

Greensleeves · 10/08/2023 12:42

You're upset because you're being bullied and degraded. Your reaction isn't the problem here.

I agree with @UpAndAwayyy that you should focus on your son, try to enjoy what's left of the holiday with him, and make plans to get rid of the asshole husband when you return.

Original poster
sadinthesun · 10/08/2023 12:46

@HairyKitty Thats the thing, my head is so gaslit theses days both from work and him, so I have trouble distinguishing whether it is him mocking me or is it "banter" as people like to say?

I basically said poor barman you're embarrassing him by trying to shame me constantly in front of him. He still keep doing it.

OP posts:
HungryandIknowit · 10/08/2023 12:49

Agree with others. Your husband is a dick. It's not you it's him.

Original poster
sadinthesun · 10/08/2023 12:58

The thing is now my son is upset and it is my fault in a way, as I didn't want to take h's hand and get over it straight away. I don't know how to coax son out of it, as he's not stupid he knows now and has gone quiet.

I bet he couldn't wait to get in the phone to portray me as a villain to whomever is on the other end of the phone.

OP posts:
Original poster
sadinthesun · 10/08/2023 13:00

I've also had to tell him he is being very bitchy, for making comments about lots of people around the pool.

OP posts:
Brexile · 10/08/2023 13:01

Horrible man. Can you do your own thing and avoid him for the rest of the trip?

LookingForPurpose · 10/08/2023 13:01

sadinthesun · 10/08/2023 12:58

The thing is now my son is upset and it is my fault in a way, as I didn't want to take h's hand and get over it straight away. I don't know how to coax son out of it, as he's not stupid he knows now and has gone quiet.

I bet he couldn't wait to get in the phone to portray me as a villain to whomever is on the other end of the phone.

The only reason it could be your fault is because you are allowing this awful behaviour to carry on. But it's NOT your fault. It's him. You can absolutely choose to remove yourself from it and leave your DH. Yes he is treating you appallingly, and your child too. Of course you are going to be shocked as you are suddenly raising how bad things are but this is the perfect opportunity to do something about it. Not only for you, but for your child .

Giggorata · 10/08/2023 13:05

I agree with the others.
I hope you can salvage some of your holiday by planning some nice things with your son and plastering a smile on your face for him. And drinking whatever the fuck you want.

As for your twat of a husband, just ignore as much as possible. It's no good trying to point out to him that he is rude, disrespectful and hurtful - he already knows. And he won't change.
”Banter” is a form of abuse, when it is weaponised as he is doing here, and is both mockery and bullying.

I hope this is the beginning of your journey to get rid of him. There is plenty of good practical advice on here, as well as signposts to enlightening reading such as the Freedom Programme and Why Does He Do That?

And once more, fuck him, the unpleasant pig.

crystalize · 10/08/2023 13:05

Take your son off to the beach or an activity somewhere. Shower him with love and attention. Avoid the draining twat of a H as much as you can.

VeridicalVagabond · 10/08/2023 13:09

Your husband is a twat, in 17 years my husband has never once told me to fuck off. You deserve respect from your partner even when you're rowing or not getting on.

Good on your son though pulling him up on his behaviour with the bar owner! You should be proud of him for that, looking out for his mum, what a good lad.

10HailMarys · 10/08/2023 13:16

It’s only ‘banter’ if everyone’s willingly taking part. But as you, your son and the barman are either hurt, annoyed or embarrassed, this isn’t banter. Your husband’s just a bully.

RojoCarlottaValdez · 10/08/2023 13:21

It sounds like you hate your husband - nothing good to say about him -not one saving grace. It sounds like he thinks you have a drink problem. Whatever is going on, it's a real shame you can't enjoy a holiday together. He needs to know he shouldn't shame you in public - if he has a problem with you, he needs to talk to you direct. I hate seeing couples do this in public to each other. Men and women both do it. It's awful. Your marriage sounds dead. Respect gone, love gone, contempt has entered the marriage. You clearly don't want to make up with him.

Thelonelygiraffe · 10/08/2023 13:25

RojoCarlottaValdez · 10/08/2023 13:21

It sounds like you hate your husband - nothing good to say about him -not one saving grace. It sounds like he thinks you have a drink problem. Whatever is going on, it's a real shame you can't enjoy a holiday together. He needs to know he shouldn't shame you in public - if he has a problem with you, he needs to talk to you direct. I hate seeing couples do this in public to each other. Men and women both do it. It's awful. Your marriage sounds dead. Respect gone, love gone, contempt has entered the marriage. You clearly don't want to make up with him.

Why should she?

She is allowed to feel upset by his behaviour and to take some time to think about things. She doesn't have to forgive him.

He sounds like a dick.

Screamingabdabz · 10/08/2023 13:26

RojoCarlottaValdez · 10/08/2023 13:21

It sounds like you hate your husband - nothing good to say about him -not one saving grace. It sounds like he thinks you have a drink problem. Whatever is going on, it's a real shame you can't enjoy a holiday together. He needs to know he shouldn't shame you in public - if he has a problem with you, he needs to talk to you direct. I hate seeing couples do this in public to each other. Men and women both do it. It's awful. Your marriage sounds dead. Respect gone, love gone, contempt has entered the marriage. You clearly don't want to make up with him.

What a strange response. All the blame put firmly on the op when it’s clear that her husband is the problem. Why should she have to suck up abusive behaviour just to make it easier on him?

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 10/08/2023 13:28

Your poor DS.

His holiday is being ruined because of his parents and their toxic relationship, I’m guessing his home life is pretty similar.

Bite your tongue and try and make the best out of the holiday and then end the relationship as soon as you get home.

Blossomtoes · 10/08/2023 13:29

Screamingabdabz · 10/08/2023 13:26

What a strange response. All the blame put firmly on the op when it’s clear that her husband is the problem. Why should she have to suck up abusive behaviour just to make it easier on him?

Show quote history

Yes, very odd. This would be the last holiday I ever had with him. And I’d be looking for somewhere else to live when I got home.

cheddercherry · 10/08/2023 13:31

Take your son off somewhere to enjoy the day and the rest of his holiday. Your husband is unpleasant to say the least and you’re not being unreasonable at all to not want to sit and listen to him call you or your son names.

I mean if you can’t even enjoy a holiday without him spoiling it with his behaviour I can’t imagine the relationship is much better at home. He sounds vile.

itsgettingweird · 10/08/2023 13:32

Agree with above poster that you need to go back to the Barman bit.

Why does you H think it's normal, necessary or appropriate to make degrading comments about his wife to a stranger? Why is that the topic of conversation he chooses to have? Jeez - even a "the weather nice today" would suffice if he's so boring and socially awkward he can't think of anything else to say.

TheCountessofLocksley · 10/08/2023 13:32

10HailMarys · 10/08/2023 13:16

It’s only ‘banter’ if everyone’s willingly taking part. But as you, your son and the barman are either hurt, annoyed or embarrassed, this isn’t banter. Your husband’s just a bully.

I agree with this!

Only you know you're husband and how he'd react if you turn this round. Next time he accuses you of having a drink problem, look him square in the eye and ask him that if you did have a problem who would blame you seeing as your husband is an unsupportive bully who enjoys degrading his wife and child.

His response will tell you a lot.

Original poster
sadinthesun · 10/08/2023 13:33

Yes I guess it's dead. I only came here because my son wanted me to come too.

H is the type that constantly nitpicks how I do things. He tells me I only work 3 days, but I work 5 days 2 from home. My contribution to the family is belittled, not appreciated and never acknowledged.

He is never satisfied and there's always something that is delaying his happiness.

So yeah time to make plans and stop telling myself this is all there is to life and all men will treat me like this. So better the devil you know.

OP posts:
Original poster
sadinthesun · 10/08/2023 13:35

Oh and I absolutely do not have a drinking problem! I barely drink at home and I was thirsty so I took a mouthful instead of a sip!

OP posts: