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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why some people do this?

28 replies

Bluey124 · 09/08/2023 22:22

Was sitting down at work and another colleague (female) came in and walked towards me. She was looking for something but stood behind me and put both her hands on my shoulders for a while as she looked.
Aibu to have felt irritated? What's with all the unnecessary touching? I have had someone do this before at another workplace and stop and play with my hair. I wouldn't even think to do that to any of my colleagues...

OP posts:
irrationalsense · 09/08/2023 22:29

Im quite tactile. It's affection. But I think im very careful esp at work. Maybe she's trying to be warm to you to build the relationship/rapport.

How do you think you present? Do you think they thought you'd been quiet? Or were worried about you? Or is she some one you know quite well? As an expression of friendship building.

But if you hate it you can just say I don't like to be touched thank you and move on?

Sunshineclouds11 · 09/08/2023 22:33

I wouldn't like it either, partner and family touch me all you want but not someone at work.

But I do agree some people are just tactile and they don't realise they do it half the time I don't think.

Original poster
Bluey124 · 09/08/2023 22:36

Well we get on but not friends as such. I was in a different department that day but that's quite a regular thing.

OP posts:
phoenixrosehere · 09/08/2023 22:37

Im quite tactile. It's affection. But I think im very careful esp at work. Maybe she's trying to be warm to you to build the relationship/rapport.

Why would you need to touch someone without their consent to built a relationship/rapport?

PinkFootstool · 09/08/2023 22:39

irrationalsense · 09/08/2023 22:29

Im quite tactile. It's affection. But I think im very careful esp at work. Maybe she's trying to be warm to you to build the relationship/rapport.

How do you think you present? Do you think they thought you'd been quiet? Or were worried about you? Or is she some one you know quite well? As an expression of friendship building.

But if you hate it you can just say I don't like to be touched thank you and move on?

Or people who are tactile could stop touching other people without asking. That would be far better.

We shouldn't have to ask not to be touched. Makes no odds if you're female or male, straight, gay or asexual. Stop putting your bloody hands on people who haven't given explicit consent.

Boils my blood.

SamW98 · 09/08/2023 22:39

I’m not tactile at all and that would really piss me off. I would have to say something

SamW98 · 09/08/2023 22:41

PinkFootstool · 09/08/2023 22:39

Or people who are tactile could stop touching other people without asking. That would be far better.

We shouldn't have to ask not to be touched. Makes no odds if you're female or male, straight, gay or asexual. Stop putting your bloody hands on people who haven't given explicit consent.

Boils my blood.

Show quote history

💯 - I worked with a guy who was very tactile and it did upset a couple of the younger girls.
He got very arsey when it was said to him that he should stop - like it was them who had a problem not him.

gettingoldisshit · 09/08/2023 23:08

This would really annoy me, i can't stand people invading my personal space! Its weird and rude!

mbosnz · 09/08/2023 23:17

That is unprofessional, and literally uncalled for. That little wiggle that says 'eew, creepy', and a 'do you mind' if that fails to do the trick, usually gets it through to them.

BeverlyBrook · 09/08/2023 23:29

Never touch anyone at work!

GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal · 10/08/2023 04:30

Oooh, I would hate this! The hair touching especially would freak me out, even my kids aren't allowed to touch my hair (I have curls and they go frizzy so easily).

Elieenmorrigan · 10/08/2023 04:34

What did you say to them OP?

Rosebud21 · 10/08/2023 04:56

YADNBU whereas the 'it's affection' reasoning is being very unreasonable for reasons already mentioned. Being touched in this way when I didn't want it would make me so uncomfortable that I'd have to shrug the hands off my shoulders/head or move from my seat

Rummikub · 10/08/2023 05:25

I enjoyed this part of lockdown. No one touched me or tried to hug me.

Hate it when anyone touches my shoulders. Get off!

StopStartStop · 10/08/2023 05:28

'Why are you touching me? I do not consent.'

It's not 'affection', it's a power-play. Your colleague thinks she can do whatever she wants and you can't stop her.

Ffsmakeitstop · 10/08/2023 05:32

We have a new chap at work who did this to a young woman when they were locking up at 10pm, he started touching her hair fortunately she is a confident person who told him they didn't have that sort of relationship and to stop. He's been told by management it's not appropriate, but a 51 year old man shouldn't need telling. I may be biased as I have a strong dislike for him anyway.

WontYouRideMyWhiteHorse · 10/08/2023 05:34

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Rubiconmango · 10/08/2023 05:44

SamW98 · 09/08/2023 22:41

💯 - I worked with a guy who was very tactile and it did upset a couple of the younger girls.
He got very arsey when it was said to him that he should stop - like it was them who had a problem not him.

Show quote history

Lmao in such a woke world, how did he think that would be OK? Gosh some people are incredibly self centred and imposing, it baffles me.

Rubiconmango · 10/08/2023 05:48

Nah. I didn't know there was a word for it! Tactile or not, if anyone touches me, l feel violated! Yes! It's 2023, this behaviour does not wash. I had an older man at work start touching my arm as a greeting. Told him off for it politely. It's simply not OK to think you can touch people not your spouse, children or family. I find it incredibly creepy and needy!

Mothership4two · 10/08/2023 06:01

I would shrug her off at the very least

Bananas1350 · 10/08/2023 06:08

No no no. I would never touch someone. My father used to come up behind me and bang his hands on my shoulders and squeeze them hard ( narcissistic father ). My husband knows never to come up behind me and put his hands on me even in a nice way.

if someone did this to me without my consent or knowledge I would freak. People need to keep their hands to themselves

MysteryBelle · 10/08/2023 06:13

What you’re describing is very inappropriate in a work setting and from colleagues you don’t even know that well. Playing with your hair is something your sister or a good friend might do. Putting hands on your shoulders, same. Strange.

jabberwokky · 10/08/2023 06:18

I wouldn't like this, OP. I'd probably just move out of her way if she did that to me. It's not appropriate for a colleague.

jabberwokky · 10/08/2023 06:20

How do you think you present? Do you think they thought you'd been quiet? Or were worried about you? Or is she some one you know quite well? As an expression of friendship building.

But if you hate it you can just say I don't like to be touched thank you and move on?

@irrationalsense If you think there's something wrong with a colleague you ask them if they're OK.

You don't go and put your hands on them.

The onus isn't on OP to tell colleagues she doesn't like to be touched - they shouldn't be touching her.

Zanatdy · 10/08/2023 06:22

I wouldn’t mind at all but at the same time I wouldn’t do it as I know some people are very uncomfortable with it

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