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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have excluded a mutual friend

42 replies

Lookingfornewdirection · 09/08/2023 20:23

I need some outsider views here as I feel
guilty and not sure if I really should. So, we are a group of three childhood friends, all close but due to certain dynamics in the group I actually prefer meeting them one on one. However we go long way back and do meet as a group 2-5 times per year.

Two of us live in the same city and the third one few hours away. Now the third friend came to our city to attend an event (mutual interest just we two share) with me. I kept quiet about this to the other friend as actually wanted to spend time alone with her also outside the event. When we were out and about I got a whatsapp from the excluded friend asking me to meet. I just replied I was busy. Honestly it felt too late
at that point to say oh we’re hanging out with X. Should mention that the out of town friend also didn’t take initiative to include my other friend, it’s just how it went, she simply thought she’d come to attend the event with me and that’s it.

Now she somehow found out about our mutual friend having been in town and asked me about it. I just replied, yes she was and should’ve asked you to join and left it at that. She sounded hurt and I do get that, hence I feel guilty. But at the same time I do think it should be ok to also meet one on one. AIBU? Do I feel rightfully bad about this?

OP posts:
Whataretheodds · 09/08/2023 20:35

YANBU to arrange to meet separately especially for a shared interest that the 3rd friend doesn't share.

I've been the 3rd friend in that situation and can understand why she'd feel hurt. For being ignored as much as for the separate arrangement. Because it loos as though you were trying to keep her at arm's length.
Have you seen her recently? Do you know what's going on with her.

If you're a true friend to her, arrange to meet up with her soon.

Original poster
Lookingfornewdirection · 09/08/2023 20:40

Thanks for reply, it helps! I saw the friend from
the same city just days before, so are pretty up to date with her news. Blah. Just hate having to feel guilty over a nice time with a friend.

OP posts:
Sunnydays0101 · 09/08/2023 20:40

I don’t think what you did was nice at all. Perhaps you should have said to friend three that yourself and xx were going to whatever and would love to meet her for lunch before/dinner afterwards.

ChildrenOfTheQuorn · 09/08/2023 20:44

I don't think it's nice behaviour either. It's one thing to arrange an event with Friend A without Friend B knowing, but it's another to lie by omission to Friend B re: these plans when she asked outright.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/08/2023 20:45

I’d have been very hurt and think you should feel pretty bad. This sort of thing stings.

Champsandbubbles · 09/08/2023 20:46

Put yourself in your friends shoes. Would you be okay in this situation as your friend, and being excluded and lied to ? If the answer is yes then there should be no guilt.

Snugglemonkey · 09/08/2023 20:46

ChildrenOfTheQuorn · 09/08/2023 20:44

I don't think it's nice behaviour either. It's one thing to arrange an event with Friend A without Friend B knowing, but it's another to lie by omission to Friend B re: these plans when she asked outright.

This is where it gets problematic to me too. I would have been upfront.

Original poster
Lookingfornewdirection · 09/08/2023 20:50

Yes I should have said I’m with her when she msgs me, definitely. I’m not trying to defend myself here but it wasn’t actually planned beforehand to go do other stuff too, we didn’t know we had time to also go out for dinner and so. And well when the msg came I felt I can’t say now that we’re out having dinner or so.

OP posts:
Seashor · 09/08/2023 20:53

I’d be terribly hurt. A similar thing happened to me, I could never trust them again and the 35 year friendship was over.

Original poster
Lookingfornewdirection · 09/08/2023 20:54

And honestly my thought was she won’t be hurt as she won’t know. But well.

OP posts:
batsandeggs · 09/08/2023 21:04

I think it was really mean of you. Just grow up and explain that you enjoy the one on one time. I can completely understand why the excluded friend is upset, I’d be wondering why the other two went to whatever lengths to hide the fact they were together from me. I really feel for your friend.

Anothernamethesamegame · 09/08/2023 21:10

Doing things one on one with friends is fine. I honestly am not someone who believes that everyone has to be invited to everything… especially when there is a shared interest with just 2 of you.

HOWEVER- not mentioning it was a mistake. That makes it feel like something bigger. Also saying your friend “should have” invited her seems a bit like passing the buck.

continentallentil · 09/08/2023 21:11

You should always be up front with people - it’s the hiding that makes it hurtful.

If there was no way to say, oh Lucy’s coming over this weekend, without her expecting to be asked, then you should have said Lucy’s coming over this weekend, and we’re doing X, do you want to meet for tea after.

It’s fine to give people boundaries and want to spend time with friends alone, but you shouldn’t lie by omission.

Meet her reasonably soon, and explain that you wanted to catch up with Lucy but didn’t mean to hurt her - you are sorry you managed it badly.

Original poster
Lookingfornewdirection · 09/08/2023 21:12

Sorry, I wrote I should have asked her to join.

OP posts:
NannyGythaOgg · 09/08/2023 21:13

There are different dynamics with different friends.
I have 2 friends with whom I go out to lunch about once every 2 months. In between times 2 of us meet up. We both love the 3rd friend, she's been part of my life for 60 years and part of my other friends for 20 but we are just not on the same wavelength and she tends to dominate the conversation because she is just not interested in anything outside her own life.

Whilst there is an element of guilt as she would be upset if she found out, I am not going to stop meeting the other friend alone.

Saoirse82 · 09/08/2023 21:16

It's strange that you a childhood friends but you prefer to meet one on one. I would have thought that unless the friendship dynamics were unhealthy in some way then it's nicer to do things together since you all go way back.

Regardless, yes, it was really mean to lie and i imagine your friend was hurt. I would feel awful for treating a friend like that.

AuntMarch · 09/08/2023 21:22

I kept quiet about this to the other friend as actually wanted to spend time alone with her also outside the event

I’m not trying to defend myself here but it wasn’t actually planned beforehand to go do other stuff too

Even if it wasn't planned, it was what you were hoping?
While I don't think spending one on one time is a problem, not just saying "I'm with friend, she's in town for a flying visit for event. Shall we set a date for us all to get together for something everyone likes doing?" I would feel guilty for, yes.

Original poster
Lookingfornewdirection · 09/08/2023 21:24

It’s nice when we’re all together but I also enjoy one on one time. Me and the same city friend generally meet one on one most of the time anyway. I did recently see on Instagram that they had met when my other friend was on holiday closer to her town. I honestly wasn’t bothered at all. But sure, there was no secrecy and different circumstances.

OP posts:
Vanillalime · 09/08/2023 21:26

I think it’s perfectly fine for you to want to spend 1 on 1 time with your friend, just as it would be fine for the both of them to meet without you.

But when your local friend WhatsApped you to meet, why then didn’t you just say you were out with mutual friend at an event and dinner? And why say that mutual friend should have invited her? You’ve thrown mutual friend under the bus & if I was your local friend I’d think you were a bit sneaky & untrustworthy.

Original poster
Lookingfornewdirection · 09/08/2023 21:27

I didn’t day mutual friend should’ve invited her, I said I should have invited her. That was unclearly worded in my post.

OP posts:
ActDottie · 09/08/2023 21:28

I’d have felt hurt if I was friend 3. You could’ve easily included her in the bit after the event given she asked to meet up. I’d have just said “I’m here with X already we’ve been to Y event but are now here if you want join…”

Original poster
Lookingfornewdirection · 09/08/2023 21:29

well, I didn’t put the exact details here but the local friend asked if I’m joining for a specific class that evening and I replied no, busy.

OP posts:
hellywelly3 · 09/08/2023 21:30

It’s a shitty thing to do. Just own it stop making excuses. I imagine there’s a little bit of you that likes you being the only one that gets to enjoy doing things with both friends, without the other one being there.

WhereHasTheSunGoneThisSummer · 09/08/2023 21:30

I think what you did is fine, the out of town friend could have arranged to see same town friend if she wanted to .
Not telling the truth when she WhatsApped you isn’t good.

Dunnoburt · 09/08/2023 21:32

Personally, if anyone should feel guilty it's the friend who lives in a different area.....surely if in the area to both of you they should have mentioned it to excluded friend and maybe met up after your shared interest event?

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