To have excluded a mutual friend

[Lookingfornewdirection]

I need some outsider views here as I feel
guilty and not sure if I really should. So, we are a group of three childhood friends, all close but due to certain dynamics in the group I actually prefer meeting them one on one. However we go long way back and do meet as a group 2-5 times per year.

Two of us live in the same city and the third one few hours away. Now the third friend came to our city to attend an event (mutual interest just we two share) with me. I kept quiet about this to the other friend as actually wanted to spend time alone with her also outside the event. When we were out and about I got a whatsapp from the excluded friend asking me to meet. I just replied I was busy. Honestly it felt too late
at that point to say oh we’re hanging out with X. Should mention that the out of town friend also didn’t take initiative to include my other friend, it’s just how it went, she simply thought she’d come to attend the event with me and that’s it.

Now she somehow found out about our mutual friend having been in town and asked me about it. I just replied, yes she was and should’ve asked you to join and left it at that. She sounded hurt and I do get that, hence I feel guilty. But at the same time I do think it should be ok to also meet one on one. AIBU? Do I feel rightfully bad about this?

Agreed and fully accept it was a mistake not telling what I was doing when she whatsapped me.

Try not to think about it anymore, you realise you made a mistake regarding WhatsApp. It’s fine to see friends one to one (I’m a one to one person too) and as you said the other two have met up without you and you didn’t make a fuss.

In theory, you didn’t do anything wrong. It’s fine to let up with friends one-on-one.

In practice though, it’s completely understandable that the third friend felt excluded.

It’s done now, but I’d maybe make arrangements to meet up with the third friend (I know you recently have).

Groups of 3, as we all know, can be tricky. I think it’s better to be open about what’s going on - you kept it from her to spare her feelings, but that often backfires badly.

Trouble is people always find out in the end. They see a photo on social media or one of you accidentally references a funny thing/ event/ meal/ cocktail you had and then it goes all weird because they realise you did something that they were excluded from. Hideously hurtful .

Do they ever spend time together without you there? If so would you be offended if you were the person left out and not being told they were together when you contacted them?

This is a very unusual AIBU
You've basically posted several times saying you think you WERE unreasonable
A stark contrast to most posters !

I would have arranged for drinks as a trio after the event. I understand you wanted one to one time with your out of town friend as she is probably more of a novelty to chat to, but your other friend sounds like she is more consistently in your life. You should have prioritised the friendship with the friend you see more often. Now you're at risk of losing or damaging your friendship with the friend that has, by the sounds of it, been around more.

Take her out for lunch to make up for it.

Fair play to you @Lookingfornewdirection

Most AIBU posters are massively defensive. That you’re not, shows you’re basically a decent person, with some self-awareness and ability to reflect.

You've been unkind. You could have done both. I'd have been super hurt in the same situation, I think you owe your friend an apology - you both do.

They do sometimes hang out without me. I don’t really keep count if I always know about it beforehand. I guess typically it would be mentioned to me that they are meeting and if I’m free.

I think I'd have just put "In town to see the bagpipe concert" (insert speedway racing / clay pigeon shooting / trainspotting / watch the rugby / sing karaoke / snail tasting / whatever niche interest you and the out of town friend share) which would clearly not be something the home friend enjoys, from what you say, so she'd have thought nothing of it.

It's not 'excluding' anyone to do something they wouldn't enjoy, with a different person. It's just sensible.

But in your OP you said, "I kept quiet about this to the other friend as actually wanted to spend time alone with her also outside the event."

So you didn't know that you would have time, but you hoped to and that motivated your not being open with friend 3.

You got caught. You say it's nice having 1 on 1 time but it's very convenient to say that now. Sorry

Urgh I have this issue. I'm in a threesome situation and I honestly would happily meet together but one of the friends is often inviting me on my own. She likes 'alone time' too. To be honest it really annoys me, it puts me in a difficult situation as I don't want to upset the other friend. What's wrong with the more the merrier. Especially if one of the friends came from really far away and you lied. No wonder the other friend is hurt, this is high school mean girls stuff.

Not sure I understand the issue. You don’t HAVE to go out as a 3 all the time and you meet the friend who lives closer without the other/they meet each other so where’s the problem?
I wouldn’t worry

You say
I’m not trying to defend myself here but it wasn’t actually planned beforehand to go do other stuff too, we didn’t know we had time to also go out for dinner.

But in your original...

I kept quiet about this to the other friend as actually wanted to spend time alone with her also outside the event.

So you did know, or at least think that there would be time to spend together.

Wanting one on one time is fine, the issue is the lying and it feels like maybe a bit of game playing going on.

In your shoes I'd arrange to meet and apologise as soon as I could she's probably feeling quite hurt and that will make things seem like a bigger deal in her head.

You didn’t do anything wrong but I would suspect most of us would also be hurt in her shoes.

I had a similar situation recently. Close friends live down the street. We were having other mutual friends over for dinner. Close friends asked if we wanted to come over. I said we were busy.

Then I thought about it; they’d never fail to invite us to join in those circumstances. We do things without one another, but if they were having company at their house and we asked if they were free, they’d just include us. So that’s what I did, it was a last minute invite but I do think we avoided any hurt this way. And I explained later in person “we’ve never had mutual friends over to our house (outside of parties) and wanted to reciprocate because they’ve had us to theirs.”

I think you should tell her “I should have just invited you to join. It was some unexpected free time outside of <event> and I felt awkward so I messed up.”