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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is BU? Me or DH?

30 replies

stayflufft · 09/08/2023 17:50

General wonderment. Flying solo the last 4 days and nights with the kids (both under 5) while DH was away for work at an event connected with an activity he very much enjoys.

I accept an invitation out with friends for the night after he gets back - which means he can’t do an activity he does weekly. Genuinely thought he might not mind on this occasion as I’ve been on my own with the kids for a while.

I don’t make a habit of going out on this weeknight. He’s pretty annoyed. AIBU or is he? Just felt like I needed a bit of a break.

OP posts:
HighHopesHeaped · 09/08/2023 17:51

Is this a trick question?

HighHopesHeaped · 09/08/2023 17:53

I feel very sorry for what this man has done to you if you find it necessary to ask this. You do realise you are a partner and a free adult with rights and not an employee paid nanny, right?

Cloudsandrainnotsunandsand · 09/08/2023 17:54

So 4 nights to himself wasn't enough? Maybe he should have stayed single.

Blanca87 · 09/08/2023 17:55

He is being an entitled prick.

RubiRage · 09/08/2023 17:56

Kneecap him.

Elfandwellbeing · 09/08/2023 17:57

He is taking you for granted and an entitled jerk off.

Gerrataere · 09/08/2023 17:57

Tell him you’ll have a full discussion about it. About 24 hours after you get in from your night out, gives you a better chance to have a clear head for it…

MillicentBystandr · 09/08/2023 18:04

I don’t think a work trip counts as nights to yourself and he was likely looking forward to the break of his weekly hobby. I’m speaking as a working mum who has been on lots of work trips. Just because it’s an aspect of work I enjoy, it doesn’t make it a holiday.

Why did you schedule your night out with friends to create a schedule conflict as you knew he had regular plans for that night? Why didn’t you respond to the invite with thanks but can we do it this other night? Why didn’t you at least discuss it with him before committing? Why didn’t you get a babysitter so you could both go out since usually that is his night out, and you’re the one now going out too?

I’m sorry but I think you are BU to have just ignored his usual night out because he’s had to go on a work trip and expected him to cover for you on short notice without first discussing it with him.

I am assuming here that he was available to communicate with while on this work trip. That he’s not some SAS guy who would be god knows where doing god knows what secret squirrel stuff.

GlitteryUnicornSparkles · 09/08/2023 18:10

I think if you knew he already had something pre-arranged for this particular weeknight regardless of whether he has been away or not then the decent thing to do would have been to run it past him / ask him if he minded before agreeing to go. It sounds as though you have just agreed then basically told / dictated to him that he cannot go to something you knew he had on, in his shoes I’d be annoyed with you to. Its not so much about skipping a week of something regular its about the fact that you didn’t have the decency to discuss it first which is what I suspect has pissed him off more than missing a week of his hobby.

YABU to not have asked / discussed with him first, he would have been unreasonable to say no since you don’t go out often. So I guess my conclusion is that you are both being unreasonable!

Stompythedinosaur · 09/08/2023 18:40

Obviously it isn't unreasonable for you to have time off.

It doesn't sound like you discussed it though? It's a bit unreasonable to just decide unilaterally that he will miss a prior commitment.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 09/08/2023 18:44

God he wants the moon on a stick doesn’t he?

Four nights child free with them at that age, and then he wants the next night to do his own thing too?

Of course he should cancel his activity this time, even if it was just to give you a rest at home!

TomatoSandwiches · 09/08/2023 18:49

I don't think he should have automatically assumed he could keep the regular slot after leaving you alone with the children for that long.
He should have recognized you needed some time and accepted this gracefully.
He is being selfish imo.

Humidititties · 09/08/2023 18:50

I'm sure it won't be too much of an issue for him to miss his weekly activity this once. Is OP never allowed to attend something that falls on these days?

GoodChat · 09/08/2023 18:50

He's been away for work so it's not like he's had a break, even if was enjoyable. Events like that normally involve late nights and early mornings.

In this instance, I would have checked with him first before agreeing to your night out and had a conversation.

Lyxldu · 09/08/2023 18:51

F* Him

Happilyobtuse · 09/08/2023 19:03

Since he was away on work and not on a holiday I think it is only fair that it was discussed since he has a prior commitment which he would need to cancel for you to go out on the same night. He might have been happy to cancel it if you had discussed it with him and explained how you really needed a break and some childfree time. But you unilaterally making that decision is quite unfair and if I was in his shoes I would be annoyed too.

continentallentil · 09/08/2023 19:07

You know you aren’t!

Tell him to catch himself on

Cloudsandrainnotsunandsand · 09/08/2023 19:08

An event for work isn't exactly work.

BibbleandSqwauk · 09/08/2023 19:08

All these "poor guy was away WORKING" replies 🙄 full nights' sleep, socialising and also connected to something he really enjoys. Hmm. Compared to 2 under 5s and running the house / work as well. Come on. If this thing the op is doing is a one off it has to be on that night so surely the DH can miss one out of his 52 weekly slots? And you know, spend some time with his v young children? One night hope he would even want to do bedtime stories etc but hey ho.

Riapia · 09/08/2023 19:20

He’ll be in no condition for his hobby after the private lap dances and happy ending massages.
You’ll be doing him a favour OP.

MillicentBystandr · 09/08/2023 20:24

All these "poor guy was away WORKING" replies 🙄 full nights' sleep, socialising and also connected to something he really enjoys.

It’s not a holiday. The vast majority of work trips I was on were full on. Long days, enforced breakfast, lunch, dinner and late into the evening socialising with people you’d never be friends with but having to paste on a smile, network, and be on good form as a representative of your employer. The heartbreak of juggling daily Skypes to see your children asking where you are. These trips are not fun. And I never got a “full nights sleep” on them.

Id much rather have been at home, in my own bed, seeing my DH and DC every night.

Lyxldu · 09/08/2023 20:40

MillicentBystandr · 09/08/2023 20:24

All these "poor guy was away WORKING" replies 🙄 full nights' sleep, socialising and also connected to something he really enjoys.

It’s not a holiday. The vast majority of work trips I was on were full on. Long days, enforced breakfast, lunch, dinner and late into the evening socialising with people you’d never be friends with but having to paste on a smile, network, and be on good form as a representative of your employer. The heartbreak of juggling daily Skypes to see your children asking where you are. These trips are not fun. And I never got a “full nights sleep” on them.

Id much rather have been at home, in my own bed, seeing my DH and DC every night.

yeah well he doesn’t want to be at home with his DC and DP, he wants a night out with mates

AllAboardTootToot · 09/08/2023 20:46

RubiRage · 09/08/2023 17:56

Kneecap him.

laughed at this 😂😂😂

TrishM80 · 09/08/2023 20:52

Riapia · 09/08/2023 19:20

He’ll be in no condition for his hobby after the private lap dances and happy ending massages.
You’ll be doing him a favour OP.

You've got a very, very vivid imagination.

Hobbitfeet32 · 09/08/2023 21:00

@MillicentBystandr so after his really hard few days he’ll be jumping at the chance to have the easy option of staying home to look after his children. He’ll be desperate for the rest.

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