Who is BU? Me or DH?

30 replies

stayflufft · 09/08/2023 17:50

General wonderment. Flying solo the last 4 days and nights with the kids (both under 5) while DH was away for work at an event connected with an activity he very much enjoys.

I accept an invitation out with friends for the night after he gets back - which means he can’t do an activity he does weekly. Genuinely thought he might not mind on this occasion as I’ve been on my own with the kids for a while.

I don’t make a habit of going out on this weeknight. He’s pretty annoyed. AIBU or is he? Just felt like I needed a bit of a break.

OP posts:

Honeychickpea · 09/08/2023 21:19

MillicentBystandr · 09/08/2023 20:24

All these "poor guy was away WORKING" replies 🙄 full nights' sleep, socialising and also connected to something he really enjoys.

It’s not a holiday. The vast majority of work trips I was on were full on. Long days, enforced breakfast, lunch, dinner and late into the evening socialising with people you’d never be friends with but having to paste on a smile, network, and be on good form as a representative of your employer. The heartbreak of juggling daily Skypes to see your children asking where you are. These trips are not fun. And I never got a “full nights sleep” on them.

Id much rather have been at home, in my own bed, seeing my DH and DC every night.

I agree. My work trips are never jolly holidays, they are harder and more stressful than my ordinarily work days.
I don't believe the OP genuinely thought he would not mind, I think she was trying to make a tit for tat point.

UsingChangeofName · 09/08/2023 21:31

GlitteryUnicornSparkles · 09/08/2023 18:10

I think if you knew he already had something pre-arranged for this particular weeknight regardless of whether he has been away or not then the decent thing to do would have been to run it past him / ask him if he minded before agreeing to go. It sounds as though you have just agreed then basically told / dictated to him that he cannot go to something you knew he had on, in his shoes I’d be annoyed with you to. Its not so much about skipping a week of something regular its about the fact that you didn’t have the decency to discuss it first which is what I suspect has pissed him off more than missing a week of his hobby.

YABU to not have asked / discussed with him first, he would have been unreasonable to say no since you don’t go out often. So I guess my conclusion is that you are both being unreasonable!

This.

He hasn't been on a stag do or sports trip with his mates - he has been away WORKING.

Why wouldn't two people in a marriage TALK to each other ?
If this is a particular thing that is only on on that night - then why not discuss this and let him know you'd like to go ? If it is a meal or something that could be done any night, then why not arrange it on a night he is home ?

When we had young dc, whoever's event was on the calendar first (incl weekly things) got priority, and the other person then had to arrange a babysitter. Could you not do that ?

YABU

Userwithallthenumbers · 09/08/2023 21:37

4 days and nights is not a long trip. So much angst over something that plenty of people manage on a regular basis.

If one has a regular evening out, it is reasonable to check if there will be a problem with the other parent going out too.

The solution here is to get a babysitter for the evening.

teachername · 09/08/2023 22:10

Does he ask you weekly if you mind having the kids so he can do his activity? Or do you have a reciprocal day off each week for your own activity? How does it usually work?

If he is taking it for granted that you'll always be available for him to be out every Friday no matter what, then that's a conversation that needed to be had with him so you could tell him how you feel.

Chickychoccyegg · 09/08/2023 22:28

Could you possibly give a little more context on what he was away at? Was he away working hard , or was this voluntary, or more for fun?
Think that makes a little difference

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