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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To wonder wtf goes on in the mind of a toddler

35 replies

Usedtochopthetrees · 08/08/2023 15:54

Why every time we have crying and tears.

He wants a drink - sure. Starts throwing it around the lounge. Told firmly to stop. Cracks up laughing. Take drink away. Sobs and cries.

This is constant - variations obviously. Hitting people with toys, ignores instruction not to, take the toy away, cries.

Just - why. Days are so unpleasant and I’m in a constant state of irritation too. Where am I going wrong?

OP posts:
Outwiththenorm · 08/08/2023 16:59

Sleep. Growth spurt. Developmental leap. These all turned our DS from the sweetest little guy to a ‘handful’ and often we’d only realise how bad it had been once it had passed. It does get better obviously, hang in there - try to distract where possible and definitely pick your battles, eg ignoring a water cup being flung around and redirecting his attention.

Jxtina86 · 08/08/2023 17:00

Usedtochopthetrees · 08/08/2023 16:53

He has a sippy cup but that’s not really the point to be honest. People are focusing on this one example but it’s constant. Anyway - sorry like I say, not in a great place with it all. It’s affecting our relationship because I’m the horrible person constantly making him cry which is shit.

You are not a horrible person. Toddlers are relentless. I hated age 3 entirely because of this exact type of thing - it was constant misery but it takes persistence. He will learn, but he will do things multiple times, hundreds of times before he eventually connects the dots and realises certain behaviour means certain consequences. You have to be consistent, tell him what you expect, model - it is endless and it is exhausting, but its how he will learn and suddenly you'll see it click and it will be worth it. But I fully appreciate if someone had told me this a year ago I would have been thinking 'yeah, that really isn't going to work' it's hard when you're in the thick of it.

Vegemiteandhoneyontoast · 08/08/2023 17:09

I have a memory of being a toddler and being in the back seat of a car the family was travelling in. It was in the 1960s and the car had those little triangular windows you could open at the back. I had some toys and books and suddenly got the idea that if I threw them out of the window, they'd fly along behind the car, caught in the air current. There was quite a clear image in my mind of the books soaring, open, behind the car. I started throwing things out of the window to see if they'd do what I hoped, but they just fell to the roadside. It was so disappointing and I got told off.

It was same with mud pie, which was a crushing disappointment. Gritty and flavourless and not like chocolate at all.

Vegemiteandhoneyontoast · 08/08/2023 17:13

Yeah, and flying. It was really confusing. Me and my twin thought if we leapt off high things with our arms outspread we'd fly 😂

Reading my posts back, we must have been an absolute nightmare for our parents, but at the time it all seemed so reasonable.

AuntieJune · 08/08/2023 17:23

Sorry op, it is really hard. Flowers

Are you home full time with him? Do you see many other kids or mums, or get much of a break?

In your example, what happens when he cries? Does it get him what he wants?

yokuscrocus · 08/08/2023 17:24

Well yeah you say ‘if you do that again mummy will take your drink off you.

I think the problem is that a toddler doesn't hear it that way. What they hear is ' if you do that again, something interesting will happen'.

It's like saying to a toddler, don't open that box of marbles at the top of the stairs. They hear open the box of marbles at the top of the stairs and something interesting will happen. And they aren't wrong.

It's a world where everything they can provoke or control is interesting and where there are no consequences - they won't be picking up the marbles or cleaning up the sticky drink.

A nice way to live I suppose.

Speedweed · 08/08/2023 17:25

Solidarity op. I feel guilty because I find spending time with mine so wearing because of exactly what you describe. Everyone else thinks they're lovely, but I get so fed up of all the whining and crying. It has been helpful reading the explanations here, perhaps reframing it, so thank you pp.

Vegemiteandhoneyontoast · 08/08/2023 17:35

I think the problem is that a toddler doesn't hear it that way. What they hear is ' if you do that again, something interesting will happen'.

That's it exactly. Everything is a wonderful experiment full of endless possibilities but consequences never come to mind until much later.

BertieBotts · 08/08/2023 17:38

It sounds like your expectations might be a bit high - if you're constantly giving verbal instructions which he is ignoring and then you implement consequences and he does it again the next time, then the approach might not be the right one.

I find it's most helpful to think about controlling the environment, rather than expecting a toddler to control their behaviour in response to adult instructions. That comes later, more like around age 4 (funnily enough, most people who find the toddler stage tough report it improves drastically by 4!)

It also helps to have a little understanding of development.

Their language processing is extremely basic - they are probably picking up maybe 1-2 words out of anything that you say at any time. 2-3 if they are an older toddler (over 3). So it really helps to keep instructions positive (drink on the table) rather than negative (don't throw the drink) or lengthy (don't throw the drink please darling, mummy will be cross as it's making a mess). If they're only getting 2 words out of everything, make sure you're not including words that don't pertain exactly to the message you want!

But also - language/verbal instructions are of very limited use anyway. Toddlers are very, very sensory beings and tend to explore things and basically "live" with their whole bodies, testing all the different physical possibilities. It's not until around 4/5 that they start understanding the world in a more verbal or story-oriented manner. Toddlers are more about the physical. (Probably why corporal punishment was often used in this age range in previous generations - obviously not recommended now). So what you can do with this info is - stop relying on instructions. You can still give an instruction, but I'd always always always 100% of the time, combine the instruction (or explanation) with an action. So when you say "No, don't touch" - move him away as you say that. When he's throwing his drink "Drink on the table" and physically take hold of the cup and move it to the table. Over time, the combination of the instructions and action will sink in and you won't need to perform Once they are about 2, many children will answer simple questions and follow simple instructions sometimes, (e.g. "Get Daddy's shoes, and we'll go for a walk") so we can make the incorrect assumption that they are following everything that we say accurately and processing it as we do, but this is unlikely to be the case.

Redirection is an amazing tip for this age - think about what they are doing and redirect into an appropriate activity. I don't do water play in the house but for example if they were hitting/throwing you can redirect that into a hammer-and-ball toy or toy construction set with plastic nails or drum set, or throwing balls/beanbags into a box. Again REALLY simple/clear and combine instruction with action: "No hitting people. You can hit this drum." Google Schema in play for a really useful concept that works with redirection.

Sometimes you can take action without saying anything at all, e.g. remove the drink if it's being flung everywhere and wipe up the spill.

Their sense of time is almost non existent - they basically have "now" and nothing else until around 2.5 - 3, at which point they have "now" and "not now", and "not now" mainly means the past, but they don't have a good sense of how long ago (this morning or a month ago are all the same). By around 3.5 or 4, they start to anticipate the future, but quite badly and they can get extremely frustrated by this since they frequently predict wrong and then become absolutely overwhelmed by the fact reality is different to their expectation (this is when lots of explaining what will happen next is useful - younger and you might as well explain to the dog, though it doesn't hurt to get into the habit).

But this means that a 2yo for example is extremely unlikely to look at a situation and think "ah, mummy didn't like me doing this last time, I had better not do it again." They are just fully in the moment, with all of the joys and possibilities of this moment. Try to prevent/block things that you don't want them to do. Move the board books to lower shelves - he will probably pull them out and put them back 100 times a day, but doing this is much less irritating than him pulling down your books or DVDs and you getting cross/stressed because they will get damaged.

They also have no awareness that they will get hungry/tired/frustrated/cold later if they aren't now - so it helps to pre-empt those things and try to ensure that they do not reach that state where they are already overwhelmed by a feeling and therefore everything else is much harder.

DH about to take DC out of bath, so I have to go, but I can post more later.

Nagado · 08/08/2023 17:48

You’re not making him cry because you’re a horrible person. You love him enough to take the time to teach him that there are consequences to the things he does. And he’s not crying because he thinks you’re horrible. He’s crying because it’s the only way he knows how to express his annoyance that his fun has stopped.

This is the time you start planning your revenge. When my favourite tiny person gets his first girlfriend, I will be showing her the photo I took of him yesterday, puce with rage and his chubby little hands balled up into fists because I wouldn’t let him throw himself head first into a fast moving river to play with the swans. It will pass 💐

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