To wonder wtf goes on in the mind of a toddler

[Usedtochopthetrees]

Why every time we have crying and tears.

He wants a drink - sure. Starts throwing it around the lounge. Told firmly to stop. Cracks up laughing. Take drink away. Sobs and cries.

This is constant - variations obviously. Hitting people with toys, ignores instruction not to, take the toy away, cries.

Just - why. Days are so unpleasant and I’m in a constant state of irritation too. Where am I going wrong?

Well you're not going wrong, toddlers are just like that ! Even as they get a bit older I have days where I think WTF!! Currently sat counting down the hours till bedtime with a 5 year old who was an absolute delight yesterday but today woke up in a completely different mood and has been very challenging to say the least. I've done everything I can and always stay calm but sometimes kids will just act like kids. It's shit especially when they are in a phase like that. All you can do is ride it out

I think toddlers are just little bastards. How old is yours?

One thing that works quite well for me is a lot of tedious discussion about what we're going to do before it happens. So let's say I know my toddler is likely to have a massive tantrum when I tell her she can't have any more grapes. When she gets them I say 'these are the last grapes. When you've eaten these they will be all gone', and she then proudly explains to me that this means 'I can't have more!'. She still bloody well demands more about 50% of the time, but the crying when I say no doesn't last as long. So with your DS I'd probably be getting him to explain to me what happens if he throws his drink, then at least the consequences don't come as a surprise.

You as a grown up understand there are consequences to throwing drink around the living room - it will be messy and need cleaning, someone could slip and fall, it's a waste of drink etc etc. Your toddler only understands that it's fun to throw things and see what happens!

But when he’s been warned it will be taken off him and then he’ll get upset … I know there’s no logic, I just hate the fact I have to make him cry multiple times a day

He's still learning consequences - it takes time. Plus they have no impulse control - they don't think things through. As I saw when DD aged 3.5 walked past the freshly cleaned litter tray, paused and then went to put her foot in it. I told her no and why would she do that and she genuinely looked spaced out like she hadn't even realised (she hasn't done it since though!)

I'd probably try and have a chat before it's an issue - so not wait till he's actually doing it and say 'I'll take it off you if you keep doing that', but more a discussion at a less stressful moment, before he gets the drink, or maybe even before he wants it. You're at an advantage because you learn from experience (and he evidently doesn't yet!) so you know what things are likely to end in tears. Until he comes up with exciting new ones, of course.

It can help a bit to try to pre-empt problems. If he's one to chuck a drink, then he has to have it in a sippy cup at the table (I had this rule as mine were spillers), that sort of thing. Obviously you can't forsee every problem.

OP have you not read Cutted Up Pear in classics?

That is just toddlers. Currently got mine in the bath as we have just had meltdown after meltdown this afternoon but absolutely will not nap whatever we do. Pretty 🤨 as I drove around for 45 mins earlier to try and get a nap to no avail so now I'm fuel down and stuck with a cranky 2.5yr old.

Water and outside. If ever they are in one of those moods either put them in water or take them outside.

I was going to do outside but they need a bath anyway.

He just finds it hilarious if you tell him not to do something. I know toddlers are a law onto themselves but either he’s laughing at me or I’ve made him cry … it’s like we never just have a nice time. Of course that’s probably not totally accurate, just the way it feels today. I hate this age so much.

You sound like you're seeing him being upset or angry as failure. That's not the right way to look at it.

Actually the world is hugely frustrating for toddlers because there's so much cool stuff, things to discover - if you think about it, lifts, microwaves, even paperclips and clothes pegs are amazing and exciting. And then suddenly there are all these rules that get imposed that limit what they can do, everything becomes about saying don't do this or that. So they get frustrated and angry and have really big feelings because it's all just supercharged.

Your role is to help your child learn the rules of the world and provide a space where those big feelings can happen with empathy about it all. It doesn't have to be happy all the time. Him crying doesn't mean you're failing, it might just mean he's learning.

A trick I learned from nursery is to use inclusive type language so instead of 'don't do that' you say 'we need to keep this drink flat on the table', instead of 'stop shouting' you say 'let's use our quiet voice etc. Partly so they know it's a rule that applies to everyone, partly because they might miss the nuances of what you say and just hear 'shake drink' rather than the don't bit.

You can reduce tantrums by having routine, giving them options like blue shoes/red shoes to go out etc, trying where possible to make sure they have regular food, drink, sleep. But I think you have to accept a bit of anger just comes with the territory of being a child and it's not all sunbeams and roses.

DD is 6, she still throws huge strops. You learn to be calmer as time goes on.

Unfortunately toddlers can also just be fascinated by how they can exert influence over you - if he can make you angry/upset, he might find it fascinating and keep pushing those buttons.

Being calm and applying a consequence can help - eg he shakes the cup and you say 'I'm putting this up here out of reach now', he throws a toy and it goes on a high shelf, he hits you and you say you will stop playing with him etc.

As PP said, fresh air and exercise (or a play group) can help both of you. It gets a bit crazy-making being inside all day.

My thoughts exactly! I went immediately to look for the link but it's not coming up when I search <throws toddler tantrum> 😫😭

Unfortunately the pre frontal cortex of a toddlers brain hasn’t developed enough for him to override impulsive decisions. That’s why warnings and discussions don’t really work until they get a little older. Apparently this part of the brain does develop fully until our mid 20’s! (This could explain some rather idiotic and questionable decisions in my teen and younger adult years 😂😂😂)

That’s the thing @AuntieJune … I’m doing that, all the supposed right things but just ignores me and does wtf he likes until physically stopped and then gets so upset.

I do hear that some upset is inevitable, just feels relentless. I’m not normally lacking a sense of humour but I don’t want to read cutted up pear, I’m sure it’s funny but not when it’s happening ten plus times a day.

We've been having real breakthroughs with saying what we're about to do before doing something. Example: "I'm going to take that drink away from you now" "I'm going to change your nappy now". Has reduced tantrums by about 50%, because some of the time she knows it's coming and just accepts her fate. I think when you suddenly take something from them without warning half the tantrum is just annoyance at having something "snatched" (or so it must seem) from them.

Good luck, we're all in the trenches together!

Does he actually want a drink or does he just want to throw it? Look up the trajectory schema and give him a selection of things instead that he can throw.

Or just give him his drink outside and if he throws it then the mess is outside, no need to clean it up.

Well yeah you say ‘if you do that again mummy will take your drink off you.

He laughs and pours it again.

I take it off him.

He cries.

this is what life is like

I know I’m being negative, I’m not in a great place.

But also agree with all the others saying give fair warning of what will happen next. "After one more sip, we'll put the cup down and throw a beanbag."

I’d like to know what goes on in the mind of my seven year old. Constant tantrums with associated throwing and then loses privileges only to do it all over again the next day if not the same day. Completely bizarre! At least when they’re two there’s communication challenges which makes it more understandable.

Channel it! He's learning. Give him a bowl and all his cups and some water to pour. In the bath, outside or a small bowl on a towel on the floor.

I would give him a drink in a cup with a lid and straw - preferably screw lid that he can't open and only half full so even if he tips it up minimal water will come out.

He has a sippy cup but that’s not really the point to be honest. People are focusing on this one example but it’s constant. Anyway - sorry like I say, not in a great place with it all. It’s affecting our relationship because I’m the horrible person constantly making him cry which is shit.

I'm sorry you're feeling shit. Honestly, if you're with him all day, ten plus times really isn't that many - I know it feels like you're constantly making him cry, and you feel bad, but he won't be seeing the day like that. He'll be thinking you're amazing most of the time.

Thank you, that means a lot