Would this annoy you? DH fussy over DD

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Our DD is 11 weeks and we had an appointment this morning for a heart scan due to a murmur which showed no issue and she's healthy and thriving 😊

I'm the primary caregiver, DH has his own company but when he is here he's a hands on Dad and Husband and I can't fault him in any way.

However, when we go out with the baby, he's constantly at me about everything. This morning I was pushing her pram and it was "watch, there is a road", "that car has its engine on" (when crossing somebody's drive) etc these are just some examples but he's like this constantly when we are out with her.

I snapped on walk back to car today and said "I'm with her every day, all day, normally out and about all day and know how to use roads, cross driveways etc" he was super snappy at me and told me to stop talking in the car when I was trying to explain that his nitpicking is getting on my nerves. He said "you pushed her pram around a blind corner in the corridor of the hospital and nearly ran an elderly lady over and don't give a shit about anyone you run over". I couldn't help b burst out laughing, of course I had to turn a blind corner, I can't stop at every corner and walk in front of the pram to see if it's clear. I didn't go anywhere near the elderly lady, she crossed sides and I smiled at her and she smiled back. I wasn't walking fast or a danger to anyone.

He's making me feel inadequate like I'm a risk to people or a risk to our DD when out with her. I'm 30 years old, a careful but confident driver, I worked with elderly and disabled, I know how to cross a road. It's really getting on my nerves.

He's come in, put his work uniform on and left. I really don't know what I've done so bad to get the raw end of his mood.

Any experience with this kind of thing? I'm not sure if I should approach him about anxiety etc as I have depression and anxiety managed by meds and he makes me anxious when he's like this and then I start to see that maybe he's a bit anxious too? Does that make sense?

Maybe he needs to be more involved. Give him the pram to push etc. Either that or he is a controlling fuss pot

@cansu he often pushes her pram, takes her out alone sometimes at weekend so I can have a few hours to have a soak in the bath and get some cleaning done etc. he's a confident Dad or appears to be. He does his share of feeds, baths and nappy changes when he's here. I just don't understand why he thinks I'm incompetent.

I think he is just trying to undermine you a bit then which isn't very pleasant. I would keep calling him out on it.

Perhaps he is feeling anxiety because he is not in control?

Being over anxious like that is unhealthy for you all and it might be a good idea to let him do more stuff on his own with your child.

I've seen this sort of behaviour in both DH and BIL. And the reasons, as far as I can tell, can be a bit confusing and are often a combination.

So, for example, with BIL, it was definitely mostly because he wasn't used to being out and about with their DC when they were small. So he was constantly terrified if nephew was walking even just half a meter ahead while my sister knew exactly what nephew could/couldn't cope with etc. Now they're older, he's better, but I notice he's very on edge with other children and I assume it's the same reason - he doesn't know if my DC can be trusted in that situation or whatever.

With Dh, he tends to be quite anxious generally. So would come home if he'd been out with the Dc with stories constantly about how x "could have" happened or y "nearly happened". For example, there's a road near us which is quite tricky. But to hear Dh talk about it, him and the DC have nearly been killed there 10000 times. I did eventually point out to him that I never use that exact intersection because it's actually very easy to cross elsewhere... which had never occurred to him. ditto, he'd have a go at me if he thought I wasn't paying enough attention. He's also constantly stressed about inconveniencing other people so, in your example of a woman and a corner, it would absolutely send him into a tailspin. That one I just largely ignore now - I point out to him that of course I try to be considerate etc, but sometimes, I have to prioritise me/the DC and that's just the way it is.

My ex was like this as well. It was extra infuriating though because unlike your husband he never looked after our kids alone and hardly came out anywhere with us.

He moved away and never sees them now.
On the very rare occasions he bothers to call them, he always tries to say negative things about me, like saying my 12yr old daughter having a bruise from playing in her football team, was me not looking after her properly.
It really annoys the kids and they've started to refuse to speak to him.

Don't let him get away with it OP and definitely don't let him get away with trying to shut you up! Talk to him about it again and make sure he understands how he's making you feel.

@Busubaba he does lots with her including drs appointments etc on his own. I encourage it as he's a competent Dad, he adores her, he's confident in every day life he's never suffered any anxiety or anything like that before.

Congratulations on your new baby

If someone told me to stop talking I'd pull over the car and eject them, or ask them to pull over and I'd get out.
I don't accept that from a partner.

Every time, tell him "i know" and every time he's pushing? give him a Murray Walker style commentary. Every time. Really over dramatic.

When he says something that is clearly being over anxious just hand the reins to him as it were.

"There you go, if you can't trust me." Pass the pram over and walk on.

@GingerIsBest thank you, made me feel better than other people know to men like this! It's driving me insane! X

Thanks @RightOnTheEdge I'm sorry to hear your ex is an arsehole. I will speak to him later about him telling me to stop talking, he knows I won't put up with anything like that.

DH was a bit like this when our first was born. I just used to say I wasn't there to placate his anxieties, and I'd carry on as usual thank you very much.

Thanks @Brefugee it's pouring with rain here and I just wanted to get home, years ago I would have gone beserk at him telling me to stop talking but with baby in back etc I didn't want to start, we rarely argue it's so silly because I know I'm a good Mum, in fact, it's probably the only thing I've ever been good at. He even tells me he thinks I'm a great mum and loves seeing us together, we waited 9 years for her, infertility and recurrent miscarriages. He's just ruining the odd day with his bad mood.

@LetMeEnfoldYou maybe it's more common than I thought! Thank you. That's a good one, I will use that!

ExDH was very similar. With him it was underlying anxiety about the general responsibility of parenthood, even though he really loves his DC. Sounds as though this is about him and not you OP and you are doing a great job. But definitely have a word about telling you to stop talking - not ok!
And not going into one or projecting here - your DH is not my ex, but just watch him becoming controlling. Your DC is very young and I’m sure it’s new parent nerves and feeling a little out of control and will settle, but just be aware of it.

This reminds me slightly of the bit in one of the Paddington films where Mr Brown turns up at the hospital with his pregnant wife on the back of a motorbike, all very casual, and then emerges a nervous wreck holding the baby in a carrier as it was made of spun glass and shouting 'Watch out! Watch out! There's a BABY coming through' and ushering people out of his wife's path.

I would also find this really annoying. It doesn't sound like he's deliberately doing it to undermine you, but it must still feel undermining and infantilising. I think maybe it's something you need to discuss when you're both relaxed at home, rather than in the heat of the moment when he's panicking over nothing and you're irritated. I think he does need to understand that it's hurtful for you, even if it comes from a place of anxiety on his part.

My husband is a terrible backseat driver. It used to really annoy me and I actually refused to drive him anywhere for a while. He used to do advanced driving tutoring for ROSPA and he'd do practice drives where he'd be commentating his thought process (as this is what they teach you to do) and I realised when he was being a backseat driver he wasn't actually putting me down, he was just verbalising his thought process. For example "Roundabout coming up, start slowing down" wasn't him telling me I haven't noticed the roundabout and should have breaked already, but it was just what he was thinking to himself as a driver (which was clearly what I was thinking too) and he felt comfortable enough with me to think out loud. It still annoys me as I don't need his commentary and he's now more aware that he does it so makes sure he doesn't. He really didn't think of it in any way other than being helpful before. I'm just wondering if this is your husband verbalising his internal thought pattern as a "driver" (baby driver)?

I think he could have post partial anxiety/ depression. My Dh definitely had symptoms after our first baby. He was terrified of all dangers

Yes I think this was the case with DH too.

You'll get everyone on here telling you it's not a thing, but having a baby is a bit like throwing a bomb into your life, and it's bound to highlight some strange behaviours during the adjustment period.

Best thing to do is give each other a lot of slack and help each other get to grips with the change. It's a hard time for a marriage.

Agree with@Holidayhappiness My ex became very controlling as soon as dd was born. Tried to tell me how to breastfeed! It was definetly the start of having “something” to control me over….what did she eat sleep wear learn do?? He did nothing but his job
was to call me repeatedly to see what I was doing and EVERYONE else’s opinion/experience mattered more than mine the actual mother. I hope this is not true for you but be observant. DC are fabulous young adults. He is a fairly shit dad and they both know it. I am a great mum and they both know it.

Agree with PP
This could be PPD

It is worth sitting down to discuss today's events with a concerned about his well being slant. Do you have a community nurse (however titled in your country) that you were linked in with after baby was born? It would be a good point to talk to them about this.

aw, OP, i think you are probably good at a whole lot of things.

I think it might be time for a nice calm chat with your DH over a cup of tea and a biscuit when the baby is asleep. Tell him that you don't need him to treat you like an idiot (that is how it feels to you, not that he is actually doing that) and that you are worried that this is a manifestation of his worries about fatherhood etc

And remind him that telling you to shut up in front of your children - whatever age - shows them that's how you think people behave in a relationship. And that in future if he has anything critical or angry to say to you, he save it until you are alone.

Men look out for danger all the time when outside around their family. It's what they have evolved to do! I can't believe people trying to medicalise it.
Did you know that when any man sees another man come towards him, he immediately sizes them up to decide whether they are a threat? They do it instinctively. Your poor DH - they really can never win.

There's always some batshit reply. 🤦🏻‍♀️

When my DD was that age, I think I was starting to get the onset of PPD, I would imagine the most terrible things were going to happen, like her pram was going to roll into the river and I’d play out the whole scenario in my head of what I was going to do if it happened, it was all encompassing and I couldn’t stop myself thinking these bad things, it seemed to calm down by itself after a while though, when I started sleeping a bit better.

I think it sounds like he’s struggling with anxiety and it obviously presents itself more when he’s not ‘in control’. Unless he was like it before or has form for it I’d definitely try to be more understanding, rather then biting back every time, it’s not a personal attack on your parenting skills, it’s his anxiety spilling out because he doesn’t want anything bad to happen to your little one.

Then just have a chat later and say how much you feel it undermines you when he does it, and can he try to really think of how it makes you feel before he starts on at you, I doubt he can help it at this point, but it may help him see it from your point of view.

but try not to take it personally, him warning you a car has its engine on isn’t a bad thing, you could just say, ‘yes I heard it/seen it thank you’ etc, without any conflict, imagine a car reversed out into you both and he’d seen it but felt he couldn’t say anything, because you bite his head off or ridicule him about it.

it should get better over time, having a baby is a massive adjustment.