Would this annoy you? DH fussy over DD

[ell2]

Our DD is 11 weeks and we had an appointment this morning for a heart scan due to a murmur which showed no issue and she's healthy and thriving 😊

I'm the primary caregiver, DH has his own company but when he is here he's a hands on Dad and Husband and I can't fault him in any way.

However, when we go out with the baby, he's constantly at me about everything. This morning I was pushing her pram and it was "watch, there is a road", "that car has its engine on" (when crossing somebody's drive) etc these are just some examples but he's like this constantly when we are out with her.

I snapped on walk back to car today and said "I'm with her every day, all day, normally out and about all day and know how to use roads, cross driveways etc" he was super snappy at me and told me to stop talking in the car when I was trying to explain that his nitpicking is getting on my nerves. He said "you pushed her pram around a blind corner in the corridor of the hospital and nearly ran an elderly lady over and don't give a shit about anyone you run over". I couldn't help b burst out laughing, of course I had to turn a blind corner, I can't stop at every corner and walk in front of the pram to see if it's clear. I didn't go anywhere near the elderly lady, she crossed sides and I smiled at her and she smiled back. I wasn't walking fast or a danger to anyone.

He's making me feel inadequate like I'm a risk to people or a risk to our DD when out with her. I'm 30 years old, a careful but confident driver, I worked with elderly and disabled, I know how to cross a road. It's really getting on my nerves.

He's come in, put his work uniform on and left. I really don't know what I've done so bad to get the raw end of his mood.

Any experience with this kind of thing? I'm not sure if I should approach him about anxiety etc as I have depression and anxiety managed by meds and he makes me anxious when he's like this and then I start to see that maybe he's a bit anxious too? Does that make sense?

It really sounds like anxiety. He's trying to keep in control by being hyper vigilant, which is common with anxiety. He's not getting at you, even if it feels like that. More likely parenthood has brought out these feelings which can be overwhelming.

A non confrontational chat might be more help than blaming him. You're in this together!

This sounds like anxiety.

I don't have a child. I have a dog. I know it's not the same, but she's likely to be the closest thing to a child I have and I am, subsequently, terrified of anything happening to her.

Long story short, I recognise your partner's behaviour in the way I treat my partner. He's competent, I know that full wel, but I'm still driven to saying things like 'make sure you're holding the lead tight' or 'watch out, there's a car up there'. It must ne infuriating for him and I really have made an effort to calm the f down because I'm not being fair.

Once I realised that it's down to my anxiety rather than being a 'him problem' I was finally able to modify my behaviour.

I know it's a strange comparison but I bet that's what it is, even if he's not realised it himself.

Sounds like anxiety. DC2 has a heart condition and I've definitely had to work on managing my anxiety about him. It's also really helped to have conversations with DP about ways he can help (like considering carefully when I ask him about a health concern with the children rather than automatically feeling like I'm overreacting).

I would discuss it with him. Having a small baby, especially with health concerns, creates legitimate concern or fear about their well-being and it's easy for that to tip into anxiety.

He is trying to ruin your confidence and establish himself as the authority figure in your relationship - asserting that you answer to him wrt the baby. He's not being a supportive parenting partner to you. He's a heckler.

Next time he does hands-on dad stuff, hover nearby and make aggressive comments about his performance - "What are you doing? Wipe her front to back!", "Make sure that nappy isn't too loose!", "The sun is in her eyes! Watch out!", etc.

After he's finished with some baby related task, pick his performance apart.

Then ask him how he felt and tell him his nasty heckling habit is deeply unattractive.

How would that help either parent @mathanxiety ?
Would you offer the same advice to a new father if the situation was reversed?

This is hilarious. You think women don't also constantly keep an eye out for threats? We just don't assume the other parent is brain dead.

Thanks everyone but @Farahpascalmoges acting like my DH is some downtrodden poor Husband and Father.

I will sit and chat to him tonight and ask him if he thinks he could be anxious/depressed. I have asked him a few times and he says no, just lots of work at the moment.

We are a team and 99% of the time we are a good one, we have good communication, we laugh, love eachother, our DD is happy and healthy but it's things like this that seem to blow up so will make sure I ask and listen to him tonight and tell him calmly how it makes me feel.

I tell him all the time that I feel so lucky that we have the family we do, beautiful DD, our dog, our home, us. X

Do you think the appointment this morning ha been worrying him more than he has let on and has made his behaviour extra over anxious today ? (I mean obviously you will have been anxious too, but people show it differently, - very pleased your LO is fine and doing well btw)

I think being the one who isn't there all the time can make people anxious - you;ve grown gradually used to dealing with everyday baby 'hazards' and take them in your stride confidently, he's not doing it as much so is a bit like a learner driver, very aware and always going through possible hazardous scenarios in his head. Hopefully he will relax in time and as she gets older.

when he's calm I would tell him that his anxiety is coming over as criticism, that it is making you feel undermined and he needs to stop, you are a capable and vigilant mother and don;t need his supervision. Point out that if he carries on like this it will make your DD anxious and inhibit her exploring and trying new things as she grows.

I have to say annoying as his behaviour is, it is an improvement on my Ex who had absolutely no clue. Culminating on one occasion with him taking our weeks old DD to the shops in her pram and coming home without her because he'd parked her outside a shop then apparently completely forgotten he had a child. Luckily the shop owner took her inside and looked after her until I managed to hurtle down the street in a mad panic and retrieve her.

My DH has anxiety and pipes up with these comments very very often. It's not malicious. His mum does exactly the same so I know who to blame! I don't want to indulge it, and I don't want to argue about it so my strategy is usually sarcasm and making a joke about it.

Reading your OP made me realise I can be a bit like this with DH. He is very capable of looking after our son and I trust him. He’s hands on when he’s at home yet the anxious mother in me sometimes can pick at little things he does that I do for extra precaution. I do it because I love my son and I worry too much. I am assuming your partner is just saying things out of panic / worry. I know it can frustrate my DH and I am trying to be more mindful of doing it. He will most likely worry less and less as your daughter gets older.

By all means, have a sit down chat with him and tell him how you are feeling. I can see it on both sides. It must be annoying having someone nit pick at you especially as you are at home with your daughter all day.

Thanks again everyone.

Have had a chat with DH, he apologised straight away as soon as he got in for telling me to stop talking. He's finally admitted he's suffering anxiety but he said he can't really pinpoint exactly what he is anxious about. I've reassured him I am here for him, I'm happy to go to drs with him should he need it and I will listen whenever he needs to talk.

He said he'll leave it a while as we have a holiday next month and he might just need a break from work etc and to spend one on one time with us away from home and if no better, he will seek some help.

We've bathed DD together and had a cuddle.

The situation would not be reversed because for the most part, it is mothers who take care of babies.

In this case, as in most cases, the father does not cate for the baby full time - not even close

So he should defer to the mother's judgement. She's a grown adult. She knows how to navigate a pram, etc.

He needs to acknowledge that and stop heckling.

My DP was like this with DC1, it was definitely anxiety. I think it helped when I went back to work he had 1 day/week alone with DC1, he could just get on with things and learn more for himself what he did/didn't need to worry about. He also did quite a bit of self help about anxiety management and meditation etc. It did all get better and he's much more chilled out about DC2.

A holiday sounds like a good idea, but I think there's not enough recognition of the massive life change it is becoming a father.

That's great OP, I was thinking when I read your update earlier that he may not want to admit to the anxiety because sometimes people try and downplay those thoughts and feelings so I'm so glad you've had a good chat about it and he's apologised for taking it too far.

Just keep in mind that when you feel that anxiety you can't always rationally talk yourself round from it straight away, so you may well have recurring episodes of this sort of behaviour for a while, but as long as you know that he's not criticizing you, it's just his anxiety flaring up that he struggles to control then you may feel like you can de-escalate it more confidently.

on a side note, I bet a LOT of people who have read this thread can immediately go to a time when they've let their anxiety out in the same way you've described, or their partner has done it to them!

People forget that Dad's (the good ones!) go through a lot emotionally too when having a new child. Some men can also suffer with new baby depression similar to PND. There's a lot of change and a huge amount of responsibility. The constant worry whether you're doing it right, feeling over protective and general anxiety can arise in both mums and dad. I'm sure most people commenting negative things about DH wouldn't be criticising a new mum who was being like this, they would immediately realise it for what it (likely) is and be telling them to seek help. My DH suffered terribly with anxiety and was so over protective when both our kids were born for the first 3-6 months, but especially with our first! I never took his comments personally or to heart, although it was frustrating at times and could sometimes feel like he was having a dig at my parenting, but I recognised the signs from my own struggles with anxiety.

My advice would to be to take each day as it comes, try not to take his comments to heart, but if it keeps getting worse over the coming weeks, kindly and calmly ask if he thinks he's struggling with anxiety and if he would like to get some support.

Sorry just saw your update!

Sounds like he's anxious. Which tbf is a common response to having a baby, I would say to him 'You are sounding critical of my care for DD and I don't appreciate that. We need to support each other, it's an important time for both of us.'

Sorry, should have read the whole thread

It's anxiety tearing its head. Maybe discuss it with him and see if he's struggling?

Oh he sounds like my dad! My dad has quite alot of anxiety. It’s also like he can’t relax unless he’s making sure whoever he thinks should be in charge of any given children isn’t relaxing. It’s quite hard to be around!

He is anxious about other things too

Just read the newest comments, thanks again everyone.

I have suffered anxiety since I was 10 so I've done 20 years of it, I've repeatedly asked him if he thinks he's got anxiety the past couple of weeks which he said he didn't, as a PP said, he was probably downplaying it.

Now I know that he does have anxiety, I can give him the support he needs and not take it to heart. When you think it's just criticism, it's hard. Especially from somebody who's normally so laid back. His friends and family have always joked he's horizontal. He's a confident man, level headed and has quite often talked me down when I'm in an anxious episode.

I really appreciate him as the Husband and Father he is, I feel lucky my DD has a Dad who absolutely adores her and is so hands on, his parenting doesn't come into question with me. I've trusted his actions/decisions etc from day dot with her and so I was questioning why he had such little faith in me when I haven't (yet, hopefully never) made any big mistakes when it comes to being her Mum.

Thanks again for everyone's perspective, I definitely agree that the emotional and physical hit that having a newborn brings is a strong one and I am aware that Dad's can suffer a post natal depression or anxiety too. I'm glad he has opened up.