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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find this really irritating and ask my husband to stop saying it

30 replies

Tormund18 · 08/08/2023 10:19

My husband and I have been discussing whether another child is right for us recently.

We share one child together and he has one other child with his ex.

I am leaning towards wanting another and I think he is leaning towards not. That's okay, that's not the issue. There have been no fiery arguments or anything, just a couple of discussions weighing up whether it's right for us. Ultimately if it isn't right for him I will accept that.

However, one thing that's really been bugging me when we talk is that he always insists that being a stepmum to his child is 'basically like having two anyway' and I don't know whether it's irrational or not but it really gets my back up. I've tried to explain to him that no it isn't, remotely. But he doesn't seem to understand and things I'm just being cruel or rejecting his child.

For context, my stepchild has a very involved mother, and my husband and their mum share 50 50 custody of her. She's a lovely girl but I do not feel like a parent to her, I don't feel love like a parent (in fact admittedly I don't feel love at all really although I do like her a lot) and I feel like it's absolutely nothing like being her parent. I am rarely needed in that way, which is fine - she has a mum who is not me of course but it bugs me that my husband uses this during these discussions as something I should be grateful for and a reason why I shouldn't feel a need or desire to have another child of my own.

Am I just being terribly unfeeling or am I right that step parenting (certain circumstances aside) is not like having another child of your own and ask him to stop saying it!

I fully appreciate that in terms of finances, housing etc.. it is in the sense that its another child of the family, but emotionally, I feel like it's nothing at all like having a child of your own and wish he'd just respect that, not that he needs to agree to another child because of it but stop referring to his daughter as 'like having a second child' for me.

OP posts:
Marblessolveeverything · 08/08/2023 10:21

Not at all, she is part of your family but she isn't a replacement/proxy for your second potential child. That isn't a slight on your dsd.

GabriellaMontez · 08/08/2023 10:23

How does he know how it feels to have a step child? He doesn't have one of his own...

He certainly doesn't get to tell you how you feel.

PissOffJeffrey · 08/08/2023 10:25

It sounds as though he doesn't understand why you don't feel the same as he does.

He does have two DCs. He thinks that you should feel as though you do too.

It's a tricky one.

determinedtomakethiswork · 08/08/2023 10:29

So basically he wanted two children, but you're not allowed to want that and you have to accept a substitute instead. Not that all stepchildren are substitutes, obviously! But this one is in no shape or form like your own child.

Lkahsvtv · 08/08/2023 10:30

i would agree it’s not the same no matter how involved or uninvolved their mum is, they still have a mum and it doesn’t feel the same

Thehonestbadger · 08/08/2023 10:35

I think you need to be very clear and direct with your husband about this.

’I care deeply about DSD but I categorically do not feel like I am her mother, which is completely valid and appropriate as I am not her mother. You have two children, I have one and your constant implication that DSD should compensate for me having a second biological child is both hurtful and very insensitive. Imagine I had a car and you did not, but you occasionally got access to my car to borrow briefly, would you then feel like you had a car, no because it wouldn’t be YOUR car 🤷‍♀️’

Mmhmmn · 08/08/2023 10:36

Ah the classic male logic sans empathy 🙄

useitorlose · 08/08/2023 10:37

DSD is now 14 and I've known her for 12 years. I enjoy her company and would always help if needed, but what I feel for her and what I feel for my 23yo DD are worlds apart.

WeirdBarbie · 08/08/2023 10:52

I have two stepkids I really like/love but I have no bio children (choice) and I still describe myself as being childfree. It’s completely different and your DH is being odd.

TakenRoot · 08/08/2023 10:55

Just say “except she already has a Mum”.

HerAvatar · 08/08/2023 10:55

Thehonestbadger · 08/08/2023 10:35

I think you need to be very clear and direct with your husband about this.

’I care deeply about DSD but I categorically do not feel like I am her mother, which is completely valid and appropriate as I am not her mother. You have two children, I have one and your constant implication that DSD should compensate for me having a second biological child is both hurtful and very insensitive. Imagine I had a car and you did not, but you occasionally got access to my car to borrow briefly, would you then feel like you had a car, no because it wouldn’t be YOUR car 🤷‍♀️’

This, and you'll be doing everyone a favour if you can get him to understand/accept that this is a completely normal and reasonable way for a step parent to feel. My DH still struggles to accept that I don't 'love them like my own' and DSC are grown adults now!

It infuriates me no end that SM have such enormous expectations placed on them wrt how they feel about SC, and yet the same is never expected of SF's in the same position. No one ever thinks SF's are awful for not loving SC 'like their own', it's only ever SM's. I hope you can get him to see sense OP because it's miserable being viewed as some sort of monster for not feeling maternal towards kids who aren't yours.

Maray1967 · 08/08/2023 10:55

Thehonestbadger · 08/08/2023 10:35

I think you need to be very clear and direct with your husband about this.

’I care deeply about DSD but I categorically do not feel like I am her mother, which is completely valid and appropriate as I am not her mother. You have two children, I have one and your constant implication that DSD should compensate for me having a second biological child is both hurtful and very insensitive. Imagine I had a car and you did not, but you occasionally got access to my car to borrow briefly, would you then feel like you had a car, no because it wouldn’t be YOUR car 🤷‍♀️’

This puts the point across very well.

Appledisaster · 08/08/2023 18:17

So he's allowed two kids but you're only allowed the one? He probably feels satisfied and doesn't care if you don't.

P.s re the advice above I wouldn't compare his child to a car don't think it will help your case.

Freubarch · 08/08/2023 21:14

Absolutely is not the same! And it would be creepy if it was. Raising a baby from infancy and going through the motions of motherhood from the beginning are in no way the same as inheriting an older child by way of a relationship with their parent.
It would be extremely inappropriate if you felt different. You can still show this child love of course but I would not want you to resent her down the track because she was the reason your husband did not want a second.

AlfietheSchnauzer · 09/08/2023 06:04

You don't feel love for your Stepdaughter???? 😧😳 Bloody hell.

Guiltyfeethavegotnorhythm0 · 09/08/2023 06:08

Is that not like saying you have a niece so you shouldn't feel the need to have a child of your own ?

WilkinsonM · 09/08/2023 06:09

AlfietheSchnauzer · 09/08/2023 06:04

You don't feel love for your Stepdaughter???? 😧😳 Bloody hell.

What's this about?
I'm very fond of my step kids and I enjoy spending time with them but no I don't 'love' them. If we split up I would miss them but I wouldn't break my heart over no longer seeing them. I don't consider there's anything wrong in that. I know my DH doesn't 'love' my DS either and I don't expect him to.

HalloumiLuvver · 09/08/2023 06:16

AlfietheSchnauzer · 09/08/2023 06:04

You don't feel love for your Stepdaughter???? 😧😳 Bloody hell.

And why should she? It's not automatic just because she's in a relationship with the father. Fondness and love can grow over time but it's not a given. Which is obvious if you've ever understood anything at all about the trials of blending families.

HalloumiLuvver · 09/08/2023 06:17

Thehonestbadger · 08/08/2023 10:35

I think you need to be very clear and direct with your husband about this.

’I care deeply about DSD but I categorically do not feel like I am her mother, which is completely valid and appropriate as I am not her mother. You have two children, I have one and your constant implication that DSD should compensate for me having a second biological child is both hurtful and very insensitive. Imagine I had a car and you did not, but you occasionally got access to my car to borrow briefly, would you then feel like you had a car, no because it wouldn’t be YOUR car 🤷‍♀️’

Take out the bit about the car.

Add in the fact she already HAS A MUM

And that he has 2, you have 1.

Good luck.

Backstreets · 09/08/2023 06:18

It’s nonsense. He’s being a weasel.

1993GoToo · 09/08/2023 06:24

AlfietheSchnauzer · 09/08/2023 06:04

You don't feel love for your Stepdaughter???? 😧😳 Bloody hell.

Why should she? Love isn't automatic when you have a step child. To say otherwise is just weird and better to be honest than fake.

ithinkhesawus · 09/08/2023 06:28

Yes tell him to stop telling you how it feels. I have stepchildren and I agree that while I love them it doesn't compare to the strength of feeling I have for my own DC.

PuppyMonkey · 09/08/2023 06:43

I also think the car analogy is a bit Hmm

Aprilx · 09/08/2023 07:03

I can understand that he might only want two children and I think it is quite responsible of him to think like that. But I completely agree with you, he is m being more than irritating about this, he is showing a complete lack of empathy and emotional intelligence if he honestly thinks that you are going to view a stepchild the same way as your own child.

Aprilx · 09/08/2023 07:10

AlfietheSchnauzer · 09/08/2023 06:04

You don't feel love for your Stepdaughter???? 😧😳 Bloody hell.

I wasn’t impressed yesterday when I read a thread about a mother planning to take her own child to a theme park and leave her two step children at home watching them get ready and set off. I think if you take on a man with children you have to be kind to the stepchildren and treat them fairly. But to expect to love them is too much.

In real life, I only have a couple of friends with either step children or their child is somebody else’s stepchild and there definitely is no love, evidenced by no further contact or desire for contact after each relationship broke down.