DH will only speak to his family when I'm not around

[FrancesInFrance]

DH and I have been married 4 years the July just gone. He has a sister and a dad who I feel like he only phones/videocalls when I'm not around. I think in the beginning when we first got married and when we were dating I assumed he just wasn't very close to his family. But we now have a little baby who just turned one and I realised he only really factimes and phones them with DC1 when I'm not around.

This is weird right? As a result I feel like I don't really know his family very well but given we now have a baby I feel like I should be involved with the people my baby is interacting with maybe as much as the baby at least. With my family, DH is always around whenever I'm on the phone, sometimes on loudspeaker etc and he knows my family very very well. I feel like we should be each other's conduit to each other's families.

I don't want to make it a 'thing' so he feels he can't speak to them in front of me/he can only speak to them while I'm around etc.. is anyone else's partner like this? Am I being paranoid? Any advice appreciated x

Could you say you'd like to get to know his family better and would like to do joint video calls occasionally?

I Never speak to my family when DP is around and vice versa (apart from a quick Hi and a wave). Phone conversations are private, and also incredibly rude to make everyone be quiet when you are on the phone, so naturally go to a different room?

Have you had a conversation with him about it? There's really only one way to find out why he's doing it, and that's to ask him. Woudn't that be easier rather than stewing and ruminating and worrying that you're paranoid?

Your husband may not have the relationship you do with yours, and he's allowed to not feel comfortable with his conversations with them being heard by you. My husband and I have been married for 26 years and we don't have open conversations with our families on the phone.

I don't find that weird. I wouldn't call my Mum or siblings if my husband was in the room. Not for any bad or secretive reason.

This is normal for many people. It is often considered rude to take or make a phone call in a room with other people in it so your DH is probably just in the habit of going elsewhere.

Unless he’s doing anything specific to keep you away from his family I don’t see the problem. You just do things differently.

This isn't weird. Maybe he wants some privacy when speaking to his family. Perfectly OK.

If my family call or if I want to call them I'll check if it's ok to be in the room at the same time (our kitchen and living area is one big space so often I like to chat while I cook and DH is with baby).

He doesn't go to another room. What he actually does is phone and facetime with the baby when I'm not in the house or if he is going on a walk with the baby without me

He might not enjoy the open plan family chats as much as you do, which is why he doesn't subject you to the same. Ask him!

I only communicate with my in-laws in person. If possible that’s a better way to get to know them than through a screen?

I don’t speak much to my own family either but drop more messages in a group chat. My SIL speaks to her mum daily. People are just different in how they interact, it’s very unlikely he’s trying to exclude you.

I'd always prefer to have any phone conversation in private.

I also cannot stand it when other people have conversations with their phone on loud speaker around me. I just find it really irritating.

Same here, 23 years and both of us mostly don't have phone calls around each other. We go to a different room.

I've always found it extremely difficult to be able to concentrate on a call with someone else around. Dh is the same though. It's not so much that we want privacy its that the whole dynamic changed if my Mam has rung me for a catch up chat to find out it's now a three way chat between her, me and dh.

I don't know if it's my adhd or what but the the times I've taken a call around dh, he'll potter around and the noises he makes like running the tap to wash up makes me unable to focus on the call and I pause a lot to gather my thoughts back and my family notice and then ask if it's a bad time. I'd think it rude if he expected to turn the tv off or be quiet because he's chosen to take or make a call in the room other people are using so I wouldn't do it to him.

I have a decent relationship with his family and he mine, we don't need to be part of family calls to maintain that but nobody is more than a 40 min drive away and we do various things from just going to a siblings for pizza and film to days out with all the kids. There's also the family group chats. Dh does things with some of my family alone and I do some things with his so I don't feel like they're strangers, maybe Id feel excluded if I didn't see them much or have other regular interactions with them.

I hate making phonecalls when people are within earshot, it just makes me feel awkward so I always go to another part of the house.

Don't see the problem tbh. Why does it bother you? DH is in a WhatsApp group with his siblings. Doesn't bother me at all.

I think it's fairly normal to phone your family out of your partner's earshot. What about meeting up OP - how often do you see them? I'd be much more concerned if my DH met up with his family and I wasn't welcome.

If I speak to my family I phone them in a different room because I want to give them my full attention. It is different because we live very close so they don’t FaceTime with toddler DS or anything because they see him all the time.

We live further away from DH family so he does call/FaceTime so his family can see DS. However I’m not really interested in being on display so he usually does it while I’m cooking dinner or doing something in a different room.

I don’t think you can really get to know his family through FaceTime anyway - maybe suggest meeting up if you want to spend more time with his family.

Compared to a lot of posts on mn I think it’s a positive that he’s taking the lead in making sure that DS has a relationship with his family instead of expecting you to facilitate it.

It’s annoying as fuck having someone hovering around tuning in to your conversation

My dm was never interested in speaking to ds's dad and would say 'oh, is 'Fred' there? I'll call you back.' and hang up.

Different people have different relationships, that's all.

I never ever speak to my bloke’s family. Which is nice.

Why won't you just ask him why he does it, then?

If my family call or if I want to call them I'll check if it's ok to be in the room at the same time (our kitchen and living area is one big space so often I like to chat while I cook and DH is with baby)

He probably doesn't like it but feels it so will be rude to tell you that it's not ok.

Why is it such a big issue for you? I've never spoken to DH's family and all is fine.

Surely it's normal to only take/make phone calls out of other people's earshot? I don't want to bother them with my conversation (and sometimes I don't want them to overhear what I'm talking about). Someone chatting away on the phone when I'm right there would be a bit rude, I think.

I’m waiting for your DH’s post on how annoying it is when his DW always speaks to his family on speaker phone in the living room, and he is so considerate 😁

Lighthearted btw.. I did post a more serious answer earlier as well.

OP - he calls because it kills time with the baby, not because he loves talking to his parents

he calls because it kills time with the baby, not because he loves talking to his parents

Here we go yet again - it’s a man so let’s assume the worst about him. These constant anti men posts are so tedious.