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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH will only speak to his family when I'm not around

43 replies

FrancesInFrance · 08/08/2023 10:04

DH and I have been married 4 years the July just gone. He has a sister and a dad who I feel like he only phones/videocalls when I'm not around. I think in the beginning when we first got married and when we were dating I assumed he just wasn't very close to his family. But we now have a little baby who just turned one and I realised he only really factimes and phones them with DC1 when I'm not around.

This is weird right? As a result I feel like I don't really know his family very well but given we now have a baby I feel like I should be involved with the people my baby is interacting with maybe as much as the baby at least. With my family, DH is always around whenever I'm on the phone, sometimes on loudspeaker etc and he knows my family very very well. I feel like we should be each other's conduit to each other's families.

I don't want to make it a 'thing' so he feels he can't speak to them in front of me/he can only speak to them while I'm around etc.. is anyone else's partner like this? Am I being paranoid? Any advice appreciated x

OP posts:

readbooksdrinktea · 08/08/2023 14:37

Nevermind31 · 08/08/2023 13:26

OP - he calls because it kills time with the baby, not because he loves talking to his parents

There is zero chance anyone can know that. Typical MN sentiment, though: men are always lazy and feckless. It's so predictable.

Nevermind31 · 08/08/2023 17:45

readbooksdrinktea · 08/08/2023 14:37

There is zero chance anyone can know that. Typical MN sentiment, though: men are always lazy and feckless. It's so predictable.

Show quote history

Fair enough. I used to do the same. As does DP…

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 08/08/2023 17:58

I've don't think I've ever rung my mum in front of DH if she rings I leave the room - it's nothing to do with DH and everything to do with it being rude to talk on the phone in front of other people.

DH tends to go upstairs to call his parents. Again, privacy and so he doesn't get on my nerves and interrupt my show!

thecatsthecats · 08/08/2023 18:10

Gawd, thank the Lord that the family shared FaceTimes of Covid are over.

Sitting hunched together whilst DH's family crammed in four people in portrait mode and everyone shared their updates like the bloody Walton's...

Nasty flashbacks you've given me there OP...

Original poster

FrancesInFrance · 08/08/2023 18:42

I think maybe it's because we almost never see his family in person either. We all live in the same city but we see them maybe 3 times a year... I see my family almost fortnightly (sometimes with DH, sometimes without).

A PP said it's nice DH is facilitating the relationship between DC1 and his family - is it quite common that men don't? I actually spoke to DH about whether I need to help facilitate DC1 seeing grandparents and DH's sister more because DC1 has only seen them 3 times in his first year despite being the first baby of his generation.

OP posts:

Imisssleep2 · 09/08/2023 05:05

I normally speak to my family on the phone alone, with my son or go to another room purely because I don't really like people hearing me on the phone, it's not a privacy thing, more what I'm comfortable with. But my family visit often and we both know each others families well but we have been together for 17 years now and when we started seeing each other we both lived at home so seeing the others family when visiting was inevitable really.

Stillcantbebothered · 09/08/2023 07:16

Nevermind31 · 08/08/2023 10:06

I Never speak to my family when DP is around and vice versa (apart from a quick Hi and a wave). Phone conversations are private, and also incredibly rude to make everyone be quiet when you are on the phone, so naturally go to a different room?

What a weird perspective. What else? You never talk to your friends when your DP is wishing 20 miles?

itchyscalp · 09/08/2023 07:28

I tend to phone my mum when my husband is out.

There's no problem between any of us.

It's just that when he's home from work we are busy, so i phone mum when he's out and have time to talk at leisure.

AuntMarch · 09/08/2023 07:52

I see both my parents most weeks so phone calls aren't necessary anyway, which is good because I hate them - I can't concentrate on what someone is saying if I'm not in a room with them!

But when I was video calling everyone so they could "see" DC during lockdown, I did it when nobody else was around without considering they whys of that. I think you are over thinking it.

I do think it's odd that grandparents would only see grandbaby by 3 time in a year when they are that near but that's just because it's not how my family would be. I'd probably ask about inviting them over. That's a much better way to get to know them than the phone. But if he isn't keen then I'm sure he has his reasons and that's going to be about them, not you!

DyslexiaMum1 · 09/08/2023 07:55

My husband does this too and it also annoys me. However I know IABU here and seeking privacy for a phonecall is a normal thing to do 😊

HairyKitty · 09/08/2023 08:06

@FrancesInFrance it isn’t weird it’s just different to you. You could reasonably consider it slightly rude to make the family calls when spouse/partner is around. It’s absolutely nothing to be concerned about either way.

Rewis · 09/08/2023 08:33

I prefere privacy when taking a phone call. At the minimum I go to a different room. But prefere to talk while doing something so either a walk or when I'm home alone and can do some tidying up.

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 09/08/2023 09:43

YABU I thought it was quite normal to speak to your family or friends when your DP isn’t in or go to another room.

I’ve just been speaking to my sister and I went into the kitchen.
I guess it’s just built in me that it’s rude to speak on the phone in the same room as someone else.

Do you have his family’s numbers?
I think this is a nice way for you to build your relationship up as you can text them when it’s their birthday and then send them photos etc.

Herejusttocomment · 09/08/2023 09:44

FrancesInFrance · 08/08/2023 18:42

This shows he is not super close to his family. Depending on how he was raised, how his parents behave towards him, he might be too tense talking to them so needs solitude to get in the right frame of mind.

Has he talked to you about his family, how it was growing up etc.? If not, maybe it's time to ask. Not everyone has lovely childhoods or loving, accepting families all of the time.

Ofc, I may be way off, but I hope you get the idea, can't find the right words rn to explain what I mean.

BackOfTheMum5net · 09/08/2023 09:44

I would always go into another room to make a phone call, can’t bear the thought of being overheard, it makes me feel self-conscious. My spouse answers the phone anywhere and doesn’t care if I’m in the room, I find this a bit rude tbh!

If we’re honest, it’s not us but our partners that the in laws are calling to speak to. Is that what bothers you?

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 09/08/2023 11:39

I loathe having a phone conversation when there are other people around. I don't really know why, I just do, so I tend to do it while DP is out, or while I'm out for a walk.

I'm not trying to be secretive or anything like that, but I think I find it hard to focus on the phone if there's people pottering about elsewhere in the house.

Caston92 · 10/08/2023 07:48

There might be reason he doesn’t see his family much. He might have had a difficult upbringing or other dynamics you aren’t aware of. I think you need to respect how he wishes to communicate with his family.

If you feel you want more of a relationship with them then why don’t you ask your partner if he is happy for you to call or meet them separately. I will take baby to see my partners family on my own or call his mum. My partner was happy for me to build a relationship with them but everyone is different so you can’t base your assumptions on how things work with your family.

Best of luck.

Smartiepants79 · 10/08/2023 07:55

TempName247 · 08/08/2023 11:31

I hate making phonecalls when people are within earshot, it just makes me feel awkward so I always go to another part of the house.

This is also true for me.
My DH wouldn’t want to be involved in phone call with my family and he’s known them for 20 years and is pretty close with them.
I don’t want to be involved with conversation with his parents either.
It seems a bit of an odd thing to be bothered by and I’d definitely not be making a thing about it with him.
Encourage more face to face meetings if you want to get to know them? I’d find it very hard to get to know anyone through group phone calls.

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