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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

There Not my Bloody In Laws!

37 replies

AROCKUK · 08/08/2023 01:13

My brother and his family (who have a young child) live overseas and only come to the UK every year for a week.

My sister in law invites her own sister and their kids over to stay in the same space, sharing lots of time, with their kids having proper time together, sleepovers etc. Sense I have is my brother goes along with this for an easy life.

Meanwhile my family have to travel in a couple of hours each way for quick visits and get told firmly to leave when their young child is due for a nap or feed.

We're a little bit sick of being treated like second class citizens tbh. My kids are upset they don't get to share the quality time that the cousins on the other side do.

Also, the in laws never leave us to it when we are there! So kids never get to spend any bonding time with their cousins, and instead it feels like one very odd blended family (we don't speak to them outside of these annual visits, although they are perfectly nice people).

AIBU to want some proper family time without unrelated distant in laws once removed as ever presents? Should we just suck this up as something to put up with very infrequently?

OP posts:
Fabellini · 08/08/2023 01:17

I understand why you feel this way, and I don’t think I would like it in your shoes, but they’re not unrelated distant in-laws to your brothers wife - they’re her family.
Have you tried speaking to your brother about it and explaining how you feel?

WaltzingWaters · 08/08/2023 01:18

It is very annoying. I’d absolutely hate that/be pissed off at that too as you see them so infrequently. Not sure what you can do about it though. You could of course speak to your DB about it, but it could just cause problems.
Sorry, no helpful advice- but YANBU to feel annoyed.

Original poster
AROCKUK · 08/08/2023 01:22

Fabellini · 08/08/2023 01:17

I understand why you feel this way, and I don’t think I would like it in your shoes, but they’re not unrelated distant in-laws to your brothers wife - they’re her family.
Have you tried speaking to your brother about it and explaining how you feel?

You're right of course - they are her family and see wants to spend time with them. It's often framed as 'wouldn't it be fun for all the kids to hang out!". Which would be the case if it was a level playing field but feels upsetting as its every time we're invited!

OP posts:
Someoneonlyyouknow · 08/08/2023 01:27

Are you as close to your brother as his wife is to her sister? Are their children closer in age? You could say to your brother that you wish you could spend more time with his family when they are in the UK (but don't mention the sister's family). Is there any way they could stay with/near you?

Wingedharpy · 08/08/2023 01:51

Meet halfway on neutral territory?
Go and visit them in their country of residence and rent your own place to which you invite whoever you want?

LovePoppy · 08/08/2023 02:18

This is a brother problem, not a SIL one. He’s the one not prioritizing you

IamfeelingConfused · 08/08/2023 02:35

People have different definitions of family I would be happy for my kids to build a relationship with s’n’laws sisters kids - the only problem being if my kids did not like them…

WhereTheSuburbsMeetUttoxeter · 08/08/2023 02:49

There should be adult books for this.
Similar to - That's Not My Penguin.

Sorry OP. No help. I'm drunk.

Changingplace · 08/08/2023 02:54

Invite them to stay with you instead? Are they staying with SILs family?

Visit your brother & SIL in their home country instead?

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 08/08/2023 04:42

Does your brother get involved in organising these trips?

My BIL’s family might feel similarly, but my SIL plans her trips home to see her family. We all book somewhere to stay and spend time together. Sometimes he comes and sometimes he doesn’t. When he does he then invites his family for random days.

If your brother doesn’t make any effort then that’s on him - not his wife.

MRex · 08/08/2023 04:55

They are staying with SIL family, so that side of it sounds fairly normal, and the travel is unavoidable. We have quite integrated our families somehow, partly a location thing that we have a mix of both families in two locations, so we have DH's cousin's family out with my mum, or my sister seeing ILs when we aren't there. In principle therefore, it sounds like they are reasonable. This is their only week too, and the cousins are close. As the kids get older you might all arrange activities outside, and that could feel less intrusive.

The main problems seem to be that you don't have enough time with them overall, plus whatever happened with a little one needing a nap. For the first point, you'll just need to visit them if you want more time, it's natural that there is a limit. Encouraging the children to all blend in as a pack should be nice, and if they get on there's no reason why you wouldn't enjoy a relationship with the ILs. So, what actually happened with the nap that's the real reason why you got so pissed off about all this? Are you really sure it wasn't one exasperated comment around a screaming kid that you've taken to heart too much?

BellaJuno · 08/08/2023 06:59

Do you ever visit them where they live? What is your relationship like with them the other 51 weeks of the year? Is your SIL and her sister’s relationship closer than you and your brother’s?

I get why it’s annoying, what would happen if you booked to stay near to where they stay for the week they’re here?

BadSkiingMum · 08/08/2023 07:09

Perhaps there is something that you might want to let go of in your picture of family life?

Ultimately, he chose to move overseas. He chose his wife. He is choosing to spend his week at home like this.

The idealised picture where your children grow up alongside each other and have great relationships seems unlikely to happen.

I have had to accept something similar and it is painful I know.

user1471505356 · 08/08/2023 07:12

Yn my family these relatives are called the outlaws, not very helpful.

Eddielizzard · 08/08/2023 07:17

Well you could book into the same place for a couple of nights too.

I have this with my outlaws so I completely understand how you feel. Bottom line is your SIL is very close to her family and they all make a big effort. Your DB isn't making the same effort with you. Yes, maybe for a quiet life.

Hufflepods · 08/08/2023 07:18

You’re moaning about having to see “distant” relatives but this is your brother’s wife’s sister and her family. Brother’s wife wants to see her sister during the one week she visits the UK, it’s not really that odd or shocking.
I certainly wouldn’t be seeing my sister any less on such a visit because SIL was possessive and can’t share family time.
Maybe he isn’t as close to you as his wife is to her sister? Maybe he can’t be arsed with the effort of planning the trip to involve any more time with you.

Parky04 · 08/08/2023 07:21

Sounds as though your brother doesn't really care about his side of the family. I wouldn't bother travelling, and if that means no contact then so be it.

SmileyClare · 08/08/2023 07:21

Hufflepods · 08/08/2023 07:18

You’re moaning about having to see “distant” relatives but this is your brother’s wife’s sister and her family. Brother’s wife wants to see her sister during the one week she visits the UK, it’s not really that odd or shocking.
I certainly wouldn’t be seeing my sister any less on such a visit because SIL was possessive and can’t share family time.
Maybe he isn’t as close to you as his wife is to her sister? Maybe he can’t be arsed with the effort of planning the trip to involve any more time with you.

This!

Also “They’re “

ssd · 08/08/2023 07:26

Are you the sister in law @Hufflepods ??

MadamWhiteleigh · 08/08/2023 07:31

This is on your brother. But he’s not a mind reader, he’s not going to know you’re unhappy about it unless you tell him.

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 08/08/2023 07:33

AROCKUK · 08/08/2023 01:22

You're right of course - they are her family and see wants to spend time with them. It's often framed as 'wouldn't it be fun for all the kids to hang out!". Which would be the case if it was a level playing field but feels upsetting as its every time we're invited!

Show quote history

She is clearly very close to her family, makes it a priority to spend time with them and facilitates a relationship.

Your brother is not doing the same for you / his (side of) the family.
Maybe he is happy with the way things are. Maybe he just doesn`t care. But whatever it is, this is primarily between your family and your brother. Not between your family and his wife!

MossCow · 08/08/2023 07:33

This s down to your brother. I have lived overseas for a decade and when I came home I'll see who I want where I want and when I want. Dh is free to do the same.

It's wasn't up to me to say to him 'why don't you take the dc over to see your parents'. That's his responsibility.

It's dh's parents who have brought him up and if they had wanted a son who sends birthday cards and takes the children over on a Sunday afternoon or whatever then they should have put the groundwork in when he was growing up. It's not something I am willing to take on as a responsibility.

Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 08/08/2023 07:35

My brother is the same. I don’t mind because I really like sils family. But we are never prioritised. They see sils family all the time and us every other year. I have given up asking and have mostly just let it go. Once our parents are no longer here I will probably lose touch.

CamelSilk · 08/08/2023 07:41

If they're only here for a week every year, it's a bit unrealistic to think that your DC will be close to their cousins even if they did have quality time together during their visit. But you could have a chat with your brother and suggest him and your SIL and DN coming to you for a visit during the week (so that his SIL and PILs aren't around) or meeting up halfway or something.

Doingmybest12 · 08/08/2023 07:47

They are here for just a week and her family make it easy for them to pitch up there. They are happy to accommodate your visits. Your brother needs to arrange to stay near or with you, or you need to invite them. I think for a weeks holiday it's a bit unrealistic to expect them to please everyone. I would arrange to go out and see them?

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