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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

There Not my Bloody In Laws!

37 replies

AROCKUK · 08/08/2023 01:13

My brother and his family (who have a young child) live overseas and only come to the UK every year for a week.

My sister in law invites her own sister and their kids over to stay in the same space, sharing lots of time, with their kids having proper time together, sleepovers etc. Sense I have is my brother goes along with this for an easy life.

Meanwhile my family have to travel in a couple of hours each way for quick visits and get told firmly to leave when their young child is due for a nap or feed.

We're a little bit sick of being treated like second class citizens tbh. My kids are upset they don't get to share the quality time that the cousins on the other side do.

Also, the in laws never leave us to it when we are there! So kids never get to spend any bonding time with their cousins, and instead it feels like one very odd blended family (we don't speak to them outside of these annual visits, although they are perfectly nice people).

AIBU to want some proper family time without unrelated distant in laws once removed as ever presents? Should we just suck this up as something to put up with very infrequently?

OP posts:

Marwoodsbigbreak · 08/08/2023 07:49

LovePoppy · 08/08/2023 02:18

This is a brother problem, not a SIL one. He’s the one not prioritizing you

I agree with this.

I would probably stop going to these meet ups if it’s that annoying.

Hufflepods · 08/08/2023 08:00

ssd · 08/08/2023 07:26

Are you the sister in law @Hufflepods ??

A woman who makes plans to spend her very limited available time with her family? What a bitch 🙄

Zonder · 08/08/2023 08:06

Speak to your brother.
Invite them to yours.

Flipper39 · 08/08/2023 08:17

I could very well be the SIL in this situation.
We we see my family very frequently, my children are close to their cousins (on my side) despite very different age ranges.
In the last twenty years my husband has never arranged to visit his brother and his children (same age as ours) despite them living an hour or so away. They come over about twice a year.
I like his brother and his family very much and their children are lovely, they are always welcome.
However, it’s my husbands job to maintain his family relationships and to relate to them however he feels appropriate, it’s my job to support him in whatever choices he makes. If he can’t be bothered or doesn’t want to then it’s his loss, I’m quite happy just mixing with my sisters and I feel no obligation to manage his family relationships.

Naunet · 08/08/2023 08:34

You need to talk to your brother about it rather than blaming your SIL, he’s a grown man, if he’s going along with hardly seeing his own family for the sake of a quiet life, then he can’t care very much about you all.
It’s his responsibility, don’t make excuses for him, if you’re blaming the SIL, she’ll pick up on your dislike of her and that’ll only make things worse.

Snugglemonkey · 08/08/2023 08:39

CamelSilk · 08/08/2023 07:41

If they're only here for a week every year, it's a bit unrealistic to think that your DC will be close to their cousins even if they did have quality time together during their visit. But you could have a chat with your brother and suggest him and your SIL and DN coming to you for a visit during the week (so that his SIL and PILs aren't around) or meeting up halfway or something.

I disagree. I am close to cousins in America that I saw every other year growing up, pre Internet. We gor on like a house on fire though and communicated lots once we hit our teens. Then the Internet made that even easier.

My son plays minecraft with cousins in another country regularly.

35965a · 08/08/2023 08:43

Another ‘your brother is the issue’ here, sorry. Don’t get distracted by being annoyed at SIL and her family, it’s your brother who is the problem.

Flakey99 · 08/08/2023 09:04

YABU. This isn’t your SIL’s problem to solve. How often do you use your annual leave to visit your brother?

We live overseas to our families and mostly visit DH’s family when we go home, not annually.

It’s expensive to fly over and you’re spending your annual leave visiting relatives, so it’s not necessarily a restorative holiday in the way 2 weeks on a beach might be.

I’m visiting my sister next week and really looking forward to seeing her again. I last came over to visit one of brothers in 2018 and I haven’t seen the other brother in person since 2014, but we do FaceTime each other a few times a year.

FlamingoQueen · 08/08/2023 09:26

Just say that you don’t fancy it this year, but would they like to meet halfway.

CherryMaDeara · 08/08/2023 09:33

Why not chat to your brother and say you’d love some time just with him and the kids (and SIL too if she is free)?

You have a brother problem, he needs to make this happen.

How would you ideally like to see them, at yours or on a day out?

MikeRafone · 08/08/2023 09:35

Why do you not invite them to your home? Have a meal etc

SmileyClare · 08/08/2023 10:36

I don’t see a problem with a “weird blended family” as you describe?
Why not accept everyone as family and get along? You don’t need your brother and his child all to yourself?

Im sure your dc can have fun with the other children. It sounds as though your brother’s child is just a baby ( having feeds and naps)

You could suggest booking somewhere you can all stay in the uk together next year- hired villas, a campsite or something and make it a holiday together.

You say sil and her sister are friendly and welcome you, try to bond with them instead of regarding them as a threat?
They’re family too.

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