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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be Angry that my MIL told people when I'd asked her not to

28 replies

moodywren · 27/02/2008 20:45

I got a text from my SIL monday night saying 'Congratulations are you hoping for girl?'

We told MIL on Sunday that we've just found out I'm pregnant, we told them 4 times that we didn't want anyone else to know yet. I nearly lost ds2 3 times and until we know everythings ok don't want to tell dcs as wouldn't want to have to tell them bad news if I lose this one.

And I am now worried that someone will let it slip to dd1, my ds's wouldn't understand anyway yet.
Found out she also told other SIL.

She said 'Don't see why couldn't tell as I am the grandmother, haven't I got a right to be excited and tell people too? And you told your best friend so the family should be told!'

OP posts:

scottishmummy · 27/02/2008 20:50

she should have respected your wishes, considering you are worried about health

but that said, well she is the granny, and face it probably cannot hold her water- let alone a big "im going to be a granny secret".But she is miffed you told (in her eyes) a stranger before family

good luck

Kindersurpise · 27/02/2008 20:51

I understand you being angry and upset. It was not ok for her to tell anyone (no matter who you have told, you did not tell all your friends, you told 1 very good friend)

Is she normally a gossip? I am guessing she is as you had to tell them 4x not to say.

Unfortunately, some people just cannot keep secrets.

I would be angry too, but I would also be a bit annoyed at myself for telling her.

Hope everything goes well with your pregnancy.

gingerninja · 27/02/2008 20:54

MIL's; can't live with em, can't divorce em. Wish there was an island we could send them too without any way of them escaping.

Youcannotbeserious · 27/02/2008 20:54

Flipping hell....... sounds like my mother.

Yes, you have every reason to feel annoyed, but you can't change her behaviour. In future, I wouldn't tell her until you are ready for her 'reaction'

I didn't tell my mother I was pregnant until I was around 25weeks gone.

And sometimes, I think that was too soon!

Original poster

moodywren · 27/02/2008 20:57

I told my best friend mainly bcause I run a toddler group with her and can't be moving tables and heavy stuff now.

And she became a grandma again at xmas, she has 6 grandchildren already she can't have been that excited.

She did this with ds1 and told the whole family within an hour, and were left with no one to tell. With DS2 we asked her not to tell and she respected our wishes.

OP posts:

Trolleydolly71 · 27/02/2008 20:59

Message withdrawn

Heated · 27/02/2008 21:00

Don't confide the sex of baby or baby names then if you want that kept under wraps. Your MIL really doesn't understand the concept of keeping a secret! I might even say good humouredly if pressed, no we're not confiding in anyone and anyway you did let the big secret out of the bag!

Original poster

moodywren · 27/02/2008 21:03

Because she didn't tell anyone last time when asked her not to I thought she would respect our wishes this time too.

My dh wanted to tell her as she has heart disease has had 4 heart attacks and was rushed in to hospital 2 weeks ago again. She has been told she is on maximum medication there's nothin more can be done for her. He thought it would give her something to aim for being around for when baby comes

OP posts:

Original poster

moodywren · 27/02/2008 21:04

My dh has told her we won't tell her anything again until we want the world to know

OP posts:

Kindersurpise · 27/02/2008 21:07

Well, if she was able to keep her mouth shut the last time, then she should have been able to do so this time.

onepieceoflollipop · 27/02/2008 21:10

YANBU.

When I was pg with first dc I told my mum and also told her that we (ex-p and I) wouldn't be telling anyone just yet as it was early.

She thought that didn't apply to her, I guess because I hadn't specifically said that she shouldn't tell people. Sadly things didn't work out and all her friends knew (but not mine) which was very upsetting for me at the time.

susiecutiemincepies · 27/02/2008 21:14

YANBU.

I'd be furious. It is not her right as a granny to tell who she likes at all! It is up to YOU and your DH to tell who you want to and when. Yes, she can be excited, but FGS, there were reasons why you didn't want the world to know yet. I hope she understands what a faux par she has made. I would also hope she apologises...

How she feels is irrelevant, it is your news to tell, when you feel happy and comfortable enough to be excited to tell the world. I'd be very very cross with her. Although, I expect she'll be feeling bad about it now... silly thing. I guess its damage limitation now for you and your DH, i.e. you now need to tell those she's told, why you were not going tell all yet, and that you dont want your other DC to know at all until you are happy...

Blueskythinker · 27/02/2008 21:16

Punish her by not telling her anything further about the pregnancy. She will get the message.

My MIL told my SILs (who I can't stand) that I had a mc, despite being told not to. When I was pregnant with DD1, we didn't tell her until 20 weeks. It got the message across.

(actually, my MIL is wonderful, but can't keep secrets)

nkf · 27/02/2008 21:19

Nobody is going to keep a secret like that. Sorry, I know it's annoying but that's just how it is. Congratulations on your pregnancy.

bohemianbint · 27/02/2008 21:21

YANBU. I posted a very similar thread a couple of months ago, only it was my mum who told everyone. I found out because the trolley boy at Tesco congratulated me. It's a horrible thing for someone to do, and if you ever get pregnant again, don't tell anyone - I'm not going to!

And watch what else you tell her as well, she'll be spreading your name ideas round given half the chance. Worse that she's not even a bit remorseful.

Original poster

moodywren · 27/02/2008 21:22

She hasn't admitted being in the wrong but her and FIL have been going out of their way to help out this week. DS1 woke up with chicken pox yesterday and they came and looked after him this morning (arriving at 9.15 when she doesn't normally get up until gone 10) so that I could still take ds2 to the toddler group which I run.
So they definately feel guilty.

And although at first she said she didn't remember us saying to keep quiet she then launched into the I should have a right to tell speech.

OP posts:

Unfitmother · 27/02/2008 21:26

YANBU
I'd be angry too.
I didn't want anyone to know when I was pg with dd after losing ds2 so told no one until I was over 20 weeks. That was the only way I knew I could keep it quiet.

Bubbaluv · 27/02/2008 21:28

I would just say to her that at least you now know not to confide in her. It's what I said to my Mum and really brought it home to her that she had betrayed my trust no matter how incidental she felt her gossip had been.
Say it calmly and mater-of-factly - much more effective than screeching!

PotPourri · 27/02/2008 21:31

Glad she feels guilty. Make her stew. And seriously - don't tell her any more about hte pregnancy - at all. Don't show her the scan, don't do anything.

But certainly don't get drawn into the 'I shoudl have the right...' arguement. Close it off by saying, it is not your news to tell, I asked you not to tell but you did, and it has caused me upset and worry about DD finding out. Then say you don't want to talk about it any more - as you mentioned, talking about it makes it more likely DD will find out. Conversation over

Good luck with teh pregnancy and congrats

Original poster

moodywren · 27/02/2008 21:34

No ones allowed to shout at her or confront her directly becuse of her heart so dh spoke to FIL about it and then she spoke to Dh on the phone later, no ones actually talked to me about it.

It really annoyed me she told dh that thefamily had a right to know as I had told my friend. Surely nobody has a right to know.

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NorthernLurker · 27/02/2008 21:57

YANBU at all - it is very wrong of her BUT I'm wondering if her state of health has a lot to do with this. It seems strange that she respected your wishes before but not now - and they are obviously contrite - I think the remark about your friend was an off the cuff defensive one and it's probably best just to forget that.

I think the health issue could impact in two possible ways: firstly, she is worried that she is not going to be alive when this baby arrives, or if she is alive, that she may not be well enough to be a 'proper' grandmother. This anxiety manifests itself in her wanting to embrace all the aspects of the pregnancy that she can right now - one of which is telling her children the wonderful news. The second possibility is a bit grim but I've seen it in an elderly friend - when your heart doesn't work as well as it should, less oxygen is circulating in the blood and this can affect mental function, memory and judgement. It maybe that has been a factor here - although I really hope not.

Another poster has mentioned not showing her the scan pictures - I can understand you are angry and concerned, and with good cause, but I do think that would be wrong. By all means don't share them till you're ready but don't shut her out altogether because of this mistake.

All the best with the pregnancy

Youcannotbeserious · 27/02/2008 22:01

I agree that her reaction may have something to do with her health - maybe even her way of thinking she is going to be here in 9 months time?

She may have been desperate to 'make it real' as it were.

But, you are right - until you are OK with people knowing, then it's not a right.

Monkeybird · 27/02/2008 22:04

Agree with NL - bit of understanding for her wouldn't go amiss though she shouldn't have told...

You've got a lovely surprise on the way, she knows her health is failing. You have every right to be pissed off but give her a bit of a break too: she's facing a poorly old age and your DH's sentiment in wanting to involve her was a good one.

We'll all be old MIL's one day (hopefully [hhm]?) so I'd suggest fume, scream, and then let it go....

Original poster

moodywren · 27/02/2008 22:22

I guess I haven't got used to the idea of having another baby yet, ds2 is only 14months and this baby wasnt planned. While I'm not upset at being pg I don't think it has really sunk in yet, I don't really feel pg and even did another test again today just to make sure as I feel too normal at the moment.

I couldn't shut her out of the pregnancy as we involved her in the others even taking her to all the scans etc.

I have got one worry though, I had a homebirth last time and at that time we lived 3 hours away from her, comments were made about them wanting to be there at the birth, but living so far away we got away with not telling them until the last minute.
We now live 1/2 hour away from them I hope she doesn't think she's going to watch me give birth!

OP posts:

NorthernLurker · 27/02/2008 22:31

eeeeek! No that would not be good - but it's easy to get round - if it's mentioned just tell her the midwives won't allow it. That's not a lie either - the midwives certainly wouldn't want you being stressed or embarassed.

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