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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My partner does this thing. Aibu?

49 replies

W0MEN · 07/08/2023 20:07

Today for example his friend came over. We were talking about holidays. I said it was different now because the kids are teens, he said ' oh but you're also goi g through the change now' WTF?
Why would you say that.

Throughout our history he has made these sort of comments about me in front of people, like he would never say it when we are alone but it humiliates me. He knows I will just laugh politely when he does it because I don't want an awkward atmosphere

OP posts:
Smittenkitchen · 07/08/2023 20:08

Unacceptable

Greentree1 · 07/08/2023 20:12

Just say and you are in a mid life crisis so we're perfectly matched. And laugh.

You need a comeback for any slights, or he will do this and it's always just a joke, you need 'a joke back'.

Original poster
W0MEN · 07/08/2023 20:14

Greentree1 · 07/08/2023 20:12

Just say and you are in a mid life crisis so we're perfectly matched. And laugh.

You need a comeback for any slights, or he will do this and it's always just a joke, you need 'a joke back'.

But this just makes other people feel uncomfortable. I hate it.

OP posts:
Original poster
W0MEN · 07/08/2023 20:14

I think they must feel embarrassed for me!

OP posts:
Anothernamethesamegame · 07/08/2023 20:15

I think either take the high road or the low road.

High road- speak to him
About the issue and tell him you need it to stop. Take action if it doesn’t stop.

low road- beat him at his own game. “Women get the ‘change’ and men get limp dick don’t you….sorry they”.

I’d go high road personally. Get it dealt with. He either stops doing it or you reconsider your relationship. Is he otherwise decent or is this just one example of many shitty things he does?

AdaColeman · 07/08/2023 20:15

Make that the last time you laugh politely when he humiliates you in public.

It's a form of control, he wants to belittle you in front of others, to keep you in your place. What a very nasty man he is.

Original poster
W0MEN · 07/08/2023 20:17

He is otherwise decent and I have spoken to him and he genuinely doesn't seem to realise. I say 'do you think so and so would say that? Do you not think you'd feel awkward if he did? He just looks at me blankly'
He really is otherwise a nice bloke.

OP posts:
FourEyesGood · 07/08/2023 20:17

Tell him how much you hate it. You shouldn’t have to; he’s your partner and ought to be able to read your dislike of it. However, if he hasn’t picked up on it (or has chosen to ignore it), he needs to be told. If he continues, consider leaving him - you shouldn’t have to put up with someone who makes you feel awkward and rubbish.

HundredMilesAnHour · 07/08/2023 20:18

W0MEN · 07/08/2023 20:14

I think they must feel embarrassed for me!

I suspect they're wondering what you're doing with such an arsehole. As are we.

Why are you letting him get away with this? What else does he do to belittle you?

HundredMilesAnHour · 07/08/2023 20:19

W0MEN · 07/08/2023 20:17

He is otherwise decent and I have spoken to him and he genuinely doesn't seem to realise. I say 'do you think so and so would say that? Do you not think you'd feel awkward if he did? He just looks at me blankly'
He really is otherwise a nice bloke.

Bullshit he doesn't realise. He's gaslighting you.

determinedtomakethiswork · 07/08/2023 20:20

What is his goal in saying that? Is he trying to humiliate you? Is he trying to get a cheap laugh out of the visitor?

Original poster
W0MEN · 07/08/2023 20:21

determinedtomakethiswork · 07/08/2023 20:20

What is his goal in saying that? Is he trying to humiliate you? Is he trying to get a cheap laugh out of the visitor?

I really don't know. I'm going to ask him, we are going to have a chat this evening.

OP posts:
Original poster
W0MEN · 07/08/2023 20:22

Any tips for the conversation? He hasn't done it for a while actually but used to do it a lot more. It puts me off socialising with him

OP posts:
weeonionetta · 07/08/2023 20:22

i hope it goes well and he listens to how it makes you feel. if he cant get on board with that, then he is willfully ignoring his impact.

Cloudsandrainnotsunandsand · 07/08/2023 20:23

Ask him if the recent ED adverts have been helpful....

Original poster
W0MEN · 07/08/2023 20:23

He doesn't have ED 🤣 we have a good sex life!

OP posts:
Wishitsnows · 07/08/2023 20:25

Well you are not going through the change but it didn’t stop him. Most definitely say about his ED to embarrass him

Original poster
W0MEN · 07/08/2023 20:26

Cloudsandrainnotsunandsand · 07/08/2023 20:23

Ask him if the recent ED adverts have been helpful....

Oh! As a comeback! The thing is I don't like making people feel awkward and that is how the guest would feel if we bicker and make sarky comments

OP posts:
Agapornis · 07/08/2023 20:30

"Yes, and the state of your prostate of course also has an influence on our holiday choices."

Bring up his prostate as much as possible.

mathanxiety · 07/08/2023 20:33

W0MEN · 07/08/2023 20:23

He doesn't have ED 🤣 we have a good sex life!

Nobody needs to know that.

The point of an embarrassing question is to give him a taste of his own medicine, since he's apparently so baffled as to why references to women's bodily functions is such a faux pas and so hurtful to you.

mathanxiety · 07/08/2023 20:34

If he suffers no consequences how is he going to learn?

Maybe stop the sex life for a while. Tell him his choice of conversation topics has given you the ick.

Lucy377 · 07/08/2023 20:39

He's belittling you in front of others.
He seeks to put you down when others are there. Things he wouldn't dare say when it's just you.

You could say 'I notice that you often make an unkind comment about me when someone else is here. But you never say it to my face when it's just us. It's like you take the opportunity to get a dig in when you know I won't say anything back. Have you noticed that yourself? Any idea why you are doing that?'

And just see what he says. If he denies it then say 'well we'll just wait and see the next time. Because if it happens again I'll be saying it straight out because it's hurtful and I won't be standing for it'.

What he's doing is very childlike. Like a child that was bullied by his siblings. That doesn't excuse it though.

Theunamedcat · 07/08/2023 20:46

Stop saying he is a nice man ffs nice men don't do this

Ohpleeeease · 07/08/2023 20:46

I agree with you OP, tit for tat in front of people is not on.

Could be one of two things, either he genuinely has no tact or filters in which case you need to spell out for him that talking about your women’s stuff in front of people is bloody rude and disrespectful, or he is trying to undermine you, knowing you won’t bite back in company, which is also bloody rude and disrespectful but also nasty.

CoQ10 · 07/08/2023 20:48

W0MEN · 07/08/2023 20:23

He doesn't have ED 🤣 we have a good sex life!

Given you are menopausal, I'm amazed. I thought women dried up at our age.

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