My partner does this thing. Aibu?

[W0MEN]

Today for example his friend came over. We were talking about holidays. I said it was different now because the kids are teens, he said ' oh but you're also goi g through the change now' WTF?
Why would you say that.

Throughout our history he has made these sort of comments about me in front of people, like he would never say it when we are alone but it humiliates me. He knows I will just laugh politely when he does it because I don't want an awkward atmosphere

He doesn't sound nice, he sounds like an utter nob. He's doing it to make you feel shit and awkward in front of other people. I'm amazed you have any kind of sex life with him when he's like this with you.

You need some great retorts..
Look some up and keep in your mind.

Literally respond with "Why would you say that?" And a blank stare. Make him feel awkward, let it be awkward, keep pushing him to explain to the room why he said it. If he says "it was just a joke" play dumb, say "oh I don't get it, can you explain it please?". Force him to address his own bullshit, he'll stop doing it if you consistently make him look like the bellend that he's being instead of politely laughing along or trying to "one up him" with such witty comebacks as laughing at his dick or prostate as pp have suggested. Have more grace and dignity than he has, don't stoop to his level.

My husband has never done this, thank God. He never mentions it to anyone. I would be absolutely mortified and upset if he did. It's personal to me. It's not funny.

I wouldn't do any silly tit for tat insults or game-playing. Just say to him straight:

"Please could I ask you not to mention my menopause in front of people for a cheap laugh? It hurts me - it's my personal stuff and also it makes you look crass in front of people when you say it"

Pretty much what I was going to say …

why would you say that ? And push him until he explains.

I’m guessing your guests are embarrassed for you, and think he’s a knob, rightly so!

Agree with previous posters. Never mind if it's awkward - is awkward anyway if you're embarrassed and they think he's unkind. Either confront him head on stare silently at the floor, making it clear you're not comfortable with what's being said. It's the only way he'll stop.

My husband saying this wouldn't bother me, if it was true.

If he hasn't been doing it so much recently ask him why. Has he consciously stopped himself? Not seeing so much of the friend he was trying to impress? Feeling more confident about life so not 'showing off'? If there is someone he wouldn't say these things in front of (his parents/grandmother then he needs to imagine they're always watching)

Say to him, ‘why are you embarrassing x person by telling them weird private stuff like that?!’ And do it in front of the person. If he’s bold enough to say it, he can suck up the response.

You shouldn't feel the need to protect your guest from embarrassment that HE causes. Next time he says it DONT laugh. It's not funny. Either coke stare and 3 seconds of silence before "anyway..." or pull him up on it "why would you say that" and watch him backpeddle. It's his problem and his embarrassment not yours.

Cold stare *

Totally feel for you- my exH used to do this all the time. Belittle me in public, make fun of my job, tell a ‘funny’ story where I looked like an idiot. I tried to tell him, it got to the point where after a night with friends he would turn to me and say ‘ok tell me what I did wrong this time…’ He would say it was just banter and I should give it back, but I just didn’t want to.

Agree with other posters, totally call him out on it at the time, in front of his friends. In hindsight I wish I had! The old MN favourite ‘did you mean to be so rude?’ is a good one!

As you don’t want to utter a sharp retort, you could pretend you haven’t heard him and ask him to repeat..repeat…repeat…until he’s sufficiently exasperated that he shuts up.

Yup!

Tell him how you feel about it, if he says he didnt think or wasnt aware then tell him the next time he does it youll mention about him being small or floppy etc etc Im pretty sure he will think a little harder (no pun intended) before flapping his gums next time

As it’s not a one-off and you’ve tried talking to him about it, put a note on his pillow - “Vag closed until you can treat me with respect in front of others.”

Just tell him 'do you know it's considered abuse to publicly humiliate your partner, everybody knows this, so unless you want people to think you're abusing me, I suggest you stop it!'

I like @VeridicalVagabond ’s take on this. Make him accountable.

You with a hard stare ' pardon? '
Him..blah blah.
You with a hard stare ' pardon? '
Him..blah.
You with a hard stare ' pardon? '
Him..shuts up.

I'm post menopausal and my husband has never ever mentioned it unless I've brought it up with him.
That's what you call a good man. A good man would never mention something so personal in public or otherwise.

Personally I think I'd go with the awkwardness (if any). People will see who caused it. They won't be blaming you, they'll probably be cheering you on.

Next time he says something belittling, look him in the eye and - not angrily or aggressively, just quite lightly and cheerfully - ask him 'Why did you say that?'

I promise you if I was there I'd give you a high five, even if only mentally.

Does he also do self-deprecating humour in public , or just you-deprecating humour?

That might be a comeback, actually.
"Darling, you're doing self-deprecating humour wrong again. Anyway, Clive, we thought we might climb K2 for our next holiday. Have you and Sandra been anywhere nice lately?"

Or, if it's specifically the menopause he's on about, a cheery "On the plus side, I hear it makes one much less inclined to tolerate utter bullshit..." -with a gimlet stare at him- "so I'm looking forward to that ".

I'd say something like "Why don't you stick to making embarrassing jokes about yourself, there's plenty of material".

OMG!! Reading this has rung a lot of bells for me, been together for 20 years... used to do it so much, exactly as you described- I used to have to suck it up as didn't want to make people feel even more uncomfortable. I didn't realize what he was doing to start with but was young and naive, after a few years I noticed this pattern of behavior and called it out, many many times, explained why it affected me so much etc etc - very little acknowledgement from him tbh. He's better now, but has other toxic traits and currently trapped in a pretty miserable marriage in many ways. Please be warned!! These traits were huge red flags that I overlooked (along with many others). Told I was over reacting / over sensitive yada yada 🤦‍♀️, if I had time over I wish I'd heard about and recognized more of these toxic traits

For a start, don't laugh when he humiliates you in public.
Tell him privately that this is public humiliation, and needs to stop. Don't let him get away with staring blankly. Persist until he acknowledges that it's wrong and agrees not to do again.

He is doing it deliberately. Its not as harmless as you think. There is a reason for it and you need to stop it. Give back to him everytime he says something uncomfortable. See how he likes it