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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feel so let down by mum. But was I a bitch?

30 replies

dumbledizzle23 · 07/08/2023 19:25

Such a long story so I will stick to the basics.

Always been very close with my mum but we have also clashed a lot over the years. She's supportive in her way but also likes to have a dig. Like many mums I guess. She's always been fond of a drink but since losing my dad 5 years ago this has spiralled into what I think is functioning alcoholism. Daily drinking, morning drinking, smelling of booze, more recently I've had people contact me telling me they're worried about her because she's been seen acting bizarrely and drunkenly in public. It's got pretty bad.

I struggle a lot with her when she's drunk because her personality changes and she can be spiteful and irritating. I also find it embarrassing if I'm honest.

She has gone from being very involved with my dc to having very little to do with them and my youngest she's never looked after or has much of a relationship with at all. She sees me struggling with work and the dc but doesn't help. I don't think I'm entitled to help by the way, but she is in a position to do so. She'd literally just rather drink at home on her own. Despite this I still visit often and try to include her in family holidays, days out and so on because I love her and I don't want her to be alone. But as soon as we get anywhere (day out to the beach last week for example) she is immediately on the lookout for the nearest place she can get a drink. Never really focused on the dc.

I guess resentment has been building for a long time and today it all blew up as she undermined me in front of my dc and then we got into a row. I said some things I'm not proud of in relation to her drinking (she had been drinking at the time) and now I feel shit. We rarely fall out because her drinking is like the elephant in the room. I've said my bit about it before and nothing ever changes so she knows how I feel but does it anyway. She doesn't want help. She doesn't want to stop. This is her life now.

I just feel so conflicted. I so let down and sad that she doesn't help or want to spend time with her grandkids. Im angry but I also feel terribly guilty for losing my rag and being nasty. I don't know where to go from here. If there are ever any difficult talks or disagreements we tend to just not talk for a day or two then move on like it never happened but this one feels a lot more serious. Any advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:
NeverDropYourMooncup · 07/08/2023 19:29

You said what you needed to. It's not untrue, is it?

Singleandproud · 07/08/2023 19:29

I lost my temper at my dad once as he wanted to hold my newborn DD after he'd been outside smoking and he stank of smoke. We normally get on, I rarely lose my temper but I hate smoking. Next thing I know my Dad actually quits smoking, and has stayed smoke free for 13 years.

Not saying it'll happen to you but it could prompt her to address her drinking if it's something you normally avoid mentioning.

SchoolFeePain · 07/08/2023 19:32

I think it’s pretty telling that you don’t mention any concern for her health or wellbeing with the drinking, only that you don’t get help with your children.

WomanAtWork · 07/08/2023 19:42

@SchoolFeePain I’m not reading the OP quite the same way. My way of reading this post is that OP wishes the incentive of being with loved ones + being close to her GC in absence of her late husband would be enough to motivate her mum to curtail her drinking. And OP doesn’t really understand why that’s not enough - effectively it boils down to why isn’t the OP “enough” so that her mum will stop drinking?

Well the answer to that is: alcoholism is a disease - and like many addictions it is inflicting damage not just on the addict but also their close family. Horrible situation.

Anothernamethesamegame · 07/08/2023 19:57

“She doesn't want help. She doesn't want to stop. This is her life now. “

^while this is the case there is very little that you can do. People with addictions need to decide for themselves that they want to seek help. You can support her but you can’t make her give up alcohol. While she is in the midst of addiction the alcohol will always come first sadly.

I think all you can do is keep boundaries and keep yourself and your own family well. Maybe see her for shorter periods rather than a whole day. Maybe ask her to meet for breakfast and tel her you’d like her to be sober when you see her, rather than expecting her to manage a whole day out without alcohol when clearly she isn’t able to.

Sorry op the situation does sound very sad. She won’t be want you want in a mother while she is drinking though. have you looked up AdFam- support for families?

Original poster
dumbledizzle23 · 07/08/2023 19:59

SchoolFeePain · 07/08/2023 19:32

I think it’s pretty telling that you don’t mention any concern for her health or wellbeing with the drinking, only that you don’t get help with your children.

Did you miss the part where I said I love her and try and include her in family holidays etc?

OP posts:
MrsElsa · 07/08/2023 20:13

Is your mum actually just really unhappy? Using alchol to try and numb her feelings?

You don't have to spend time with her if she's unpleasant, and definitely not if she's drunk around DC and unsafe/inappropriate. You don't owe her anything.

As pp said if she doesn't think she has an issue and doesn't want to seek help then that's on her. You can't force her. Neither is it your job to fix her unhappiness or play happy families with her.

But I also find it strange you don't seem to have taken a step back and thought about what her life might be like or what might be going on to cause her to drink like that. Even if you decide you don't want her in your life.

Lozzalou9191 · 07/08/2023 20:18

I could have written this myself. My mums drinking has never been great but since we lost dad it’s got worse.
I spent a long time feeling responsible for her and embarrassed and ashamed. I’m still very worried about her but like others have said, you can’t make her stop when she doesn’t want to. And actually her behaviour isn’t a reflection on me not being good enough which I felt for such a long time.
I don’t believe my mum will ever stop drinking, she’s had so many reasons to and has never managed so now I have to manage my expectations of her and how she fits in to my family. Essentially low expectations, short visits and boundaries are your friend.
Some people will advise you to go NC and it’s something I’ve struggled with for a long time, but I’d rather know how she was rather than letting my imagination take over which for me is far worse, but that’s an individual choice and there’s no right or wrong.
sending so much love OP, alcoholism is the cruellest disease for everyone involved.

Greentree1 · 07/08/2023 20:19

If she was really drunk she probably wont remember what happened. So if you want to forget it, it is probably forgotten. If she remembers she wasn't as drunk as you think.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 07/08/2023 20:23

It's horrible for you but the truth is your mother is an alcoholic. She is physically and mentally addicted to alcohol, to the point that it is adversely affecting her life, and she is not us control of her addiction - it is in control of her.

She is not going to be supporting you or being a wonderful grandmother, because she needs to be drinking and that is her primary need. You can advise her to seek help quitting, you can support her, but she has to want to stop. It doesn't sound like she does though Flowers

Thehippowife · 07/08/2023 20:23

You said what you needed to say, and I think it’s for the best. It’s no good having unsaid elephants in the room and all tiptoeing around things that are really hurtful. She is putting drink
above her family, you can’t ignore that.

Comedycook · 07/08/2023 20:26

She's an alcoholic. My late father was an alcoholic. You're wasting your breath having a go at her to be honest. She will only change if she wants to. I can understand how disappointing it must be for you. She won't be the grandmother you want her to be and in all kindness it's probably best you accept that.

mathanxiety · 07/08/2023 20:28

The opposite of addiction is not sobriety but connection.

Your mum is choosing to disconnect from everything you rightly think should be important to her.

I can feel the hurt and the pain of abandonment in your posts - she is 'leaving' you and your children for another priority in her life.

She throws your good intentions and your generosity back in your face. This is because she's becoming a slave to alcohol.

I think you could really benefit from Al Anon meetings where people affected by the alcoholism of a loved one can share their sorrow.

parrotonthesofa · 07/08/2023 20:28

Don't feel bad, this sounds really hard for you and she needs to hear it.
Sounds like she's just an alcoholic, not that functioning if she is looking for drink as soon as she arrives anywhere!

Hoppinggreen · 07/08/2023 20:35

She’s an alcoholic.
Expect nothing and you won’t be disappointed

5128gap · 07/08/2023 20:39

I'm sorry OP, but if you intend on keeping an alcoholic in your life, you have to let go of the person you want them to be, and face the person they are. Then manage your expectations.
Your mum couldn't look after your DC if she was willing to. She can't focus on her family on days out and holidays until she has a drink in her hand. You can't have a reasonable discussion with her because the alcohol will speak for her. You can't have peace of mind and relax because she is likely to embarrass, shame and cause you anxiety.
You need to face all of this and decide whether to have a relationship with the mum you have, rather than the one you want and if so, what will that look like.
The mum you want doesn't exist anymore, so grieve for that, then decide what to do with what you have left.

CaroleSinger · 07/08/2023 20:46

Not what you want to hear I know but maybe now is the time you finally do need to go NC. This is never going to change. Only she can bring that about and she doesn't want to. If you are never going to stop contact then you know exactly how things are going to continue anyway. Personally I don't think it helps calling alcoholism a disease because it removes any personal responsibility from the alcoholic. Cancer is a disease. Closing alcohol above your family is a choice.

LoudSnoringDog · 07/08/2023 20:47

Sounds very much like my mum.
sadly passed away in 2017 aged 57 due to malnutrition exacerbated by her alcoholism.

I wish I’d been firmer with her, she may still be here now. I really do empathise with you. It’s very hard to watch this behaviour.

Sunnysummeragain · 07/08/2023 20:54

She sounds like an functional alcoholic. She sounds like she isn’t functional.

Original poster
dumbledizzle23 · 07/08/2023 21:51

CaroleSinger · 07/08/2023 20:46

Not what you want to hear I know but maybe now is the time you finally do need to go NC. This is never going to change. Only she can bring that about and she doesn't want to. If you are never going to stop contact then you know exactly how things are going to continue anyway. Personally I don't think it helps calling alcoholism a disease because it removes any personal responsibility from the alcoholic. Cancer is a disease. Closing alcohol above your family is a choice.

Thank you for all of the comments.

This struck me because it does feel like a choice to me. My mum is still capable of rational decisions. She works and pays bills. She can be perfectly normal and pleasant. But it's still that pleasant person who chooses to put a bottle of vodka in their shopping trolley. It does feel like a choice.

Unfortunately aspects of my normal mum are ebbing away. She acts strangely even when she's sober. She sometimes has the shakes. She's reluctant to drive anywhere other than to work or to the shops because she says shes anxious. But I wonder if it's because she wants to drink instead.

OP posts:
ChubbyMorticia · 07/08/2023 21:58

She’s an alcoholic. While she’s active in her addiction, she’s not a safe person for your children to be around. Her judgment is impaired.

It’s hard, but you need to do what’s best for your family, and not have her around, because you can’t trust that she’s not drinking already, or won’t begin drinking after arrival.

You can’t make her want to be sober. She has to decide that for herself. I’m sorry. It’s a hard situation for everyone.

Coyoacan · 08/08/2023 00:00

I was addicted to cigarettes and know it is not a choice. You could at least encourage your mum to take vitamin B complex as alcohol washes vitamin B out of the system and alters the nerves of the alcoholic.

heartofglass23 · 08/08/2023 08:24

You have non functioning alcoholic mum.

You should contact Al-anon or some other support for relatives of alcoholics.

Chantholtmouse · 08/08/2023 08:54

Addiction isn't really a choice. It's addiction - a mental illness. Would it be worth you reading up on addiction a bit maybe?

I would be really upset if this happened to one of my parents but I do think you're being unreasonable as most of what you said seems to be about you and not her. It's not about her not stepping up to childcare duties. They are your children and no one (even grandparents) are obligated to look after your children and she might just not want to which is also fine. It sounds like she's the one that needs help rather than you needing her help.

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