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AIBU?

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Original poster

Feel so let down by mum. But was I a bitch?

30 replies

dumbledizzle23 · 07/08/2023 19:25

Such a long story so I will stick to the basics.

Always been very close with my mum but we have also clashed a lot over the years. She's supportive in her way but also likes to have a dig. Like many mums I guess. She's always been fond of a drink but since losing my dad 5 years ago this has spiralled into what I think is functioning alcoholism. Daily drinking, morning drinking, smelling of booze, more recently I've had people contact me telling me they're worried about her because she's been seen acting bizarrely and drunkenly in public. It's got pretty bad.

I struggle a lot with her when she's drunk because her personality changes and she can be spiteful and irritating. I also find it embarrassing if I'm honest.

She has gone from being very involved with my dc to having very little to do with them and my youngest she's never looked after or has much of a relationship with at all. She sees me struggling with work and the dc but doesn't help. I don't think I'm entitled to help by the way, but she is in a position to do so. She'd literally just rather drink at home on her own. Despite this I still visit often and try to include her in family holidays, days out and so on because I love her and I don't want her to be alone. But as soon as we get anywhere (day out to the beach last week for example) she is immediately on the lookout for the nearest place she can get a drink. Never really focused on the dc.

I guess resentment has been building for a long time and today it all blew up as she undermined me in front of my dc and then we got into a row. I said some things I'm not proud of in relation to her drinking (she had been drinking at the time) and now I feel shit. We rarely fall out because her drinking is like the elephant in the room. I've said my bit about it before and nothing ever changes so she knows how I feel but does it anyway. She doesn't want help. She doesn't want to stop. This is her life now.

I just feel so conflicted. I so let down and sad that she doesn't help or want to spend time with her grandkids. Im angry but I also feel terribly guilty for losing my rag and being nasty. I don't know where to go from here. If there are ever any difficult talks or disagreements we tend to just not talk for a day or two then move on like it never happened but this one feels a lot more serious. Any advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:
Comedycook · 08/08/2023 09:07

dumbledizzle23 · 07/08/2023 21:51

Thank you for all of the comments.

This struck me because it does feel like a choice to me. My mum is still capable of rational decisions. She works and pays bills. She can be perfectly normal and pleasant. But it's still that pleasant person who chooses to put a bottle of vodka in their shopping trolley. It does feel like a choice.

Unfortunately aspects of my normal mum are ebbing away. She acts strangely even when she's sober. She sometimes has the shakes. She's reluctant to drive anywhere other than to work or to the shops because she says shes anxious. But I wonder if it's because she wants to drink instead.

Show quote history

This sounds very similar to how my dad started, including the acting strangely when sober...it's very upsetting for you I'm sure. I think some of these responses have been a bit unfair to the op.

Nanny0gg · 08/08/2023 09:15

dumbledizzle23 · 07/08/2023 21:51

Thank you for all of the comments.

This struck me because it does feel like a choice to me. My mum is still capable of rational decisions. She works and pays bills. She can be perfectly normal and pleasant. But it's still that pleasant person who chooses to put a bottle of vodka in their shopping trolley. It does feel like a choice.

Unfortunately aspects of my normal mum are ebbing away. She acts strangely even when she's sober. She sometimes has the shakes. She's reluctant to drive anywhere other than to work or to the shops because she says shes anxious. But I wonder if it's because she wants to drink instead.

Show quote history

She is clearly an actual alcoholic and until she hits the bottom and wants to stop there's little you can do.

Contact https://al-anonuk.org.uk/ for advice and help

Al-Anon UK | For families & friends of alcoholics

Al-Anon Family Groups are for the families & friends of alcoholics who share their experience, strength & hope in order to solve their common problems.

https://al-anonuk.org.uk

BMW6 · 08/08/2023 09:33

Sorry OP but your Mum is a full blown alcoholic.

Her primary relationship is with booze. Not you, not her GC.

You can't help her. You must not expose your children to her alcoholic behaviours - keep them well away from her.

You could keep in contact with her yourself - but at an emotional distance. Please don't try and help her addiction, only she herself can do anything about it.

Tell her the above and give her the contact numbers for AA and CGL (Change Grow Live) local to her. Tell her you love her but she is in the control of her addiction and you must distance your children and yourself until she takes action to break free. Then step well back.

Best of luck

ManateeFair · 08/08/2023 09:37

She is an alcoholic (not even a functioning one, to be honest) and I don't think anything is to be gained by pretending there's nothing wrong. If she won't accept that she's an alcoholic and/or doesn't want to stop drinking, then there's not much you can do, but I think it's best that it's out in the open. If she does acknowledge it's a problem or an addiction, then you can offer her support and love to try to overcome it. But if someone behaves badly while drunk, you do have to call them out on their bad behaviour, even if you do that calmly once they're sober and even if they don't remember it.

Nopenopenopenopenopenope · 08/08/2023 09:40

I would strongly suggest doing some reading about addiction and enabling, and getting some help/support for yourself. Smart recovery friends and family are great, or there's AlAnon if that fits better for you. Smart do two online meetings a week for friends and family and depending where you are there may be in person meetings. Honestly, get help for yourself sooner rather than later as that's within your control - her behaviour isn't.

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