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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to move back?

28 replies

MiMouse · 07/08/2023 16:37

A little background:

DH, DD and I moved to a small town nine months ago. It's a friendly town, some shops, good schools. Previously, we lived in the centre of a big city (not London, but almost equally expensive). We had a flat there in a nice area. Unfortunately, the flat was getting small, with DD growing up and us working from home more often, and we couldn't afford anything bigger anywhere near our old neighbourhood. So we bought a semi-detached house here, and have lived here ever since.

And I regret it.

Yes, we have more space, but it's just not what I thought it would be. We used to live at the corner of a lovely park, and because no one around there had a garden, I met lots of other parents there every day, and DD always had other kids to play with. Here the streets are empty. No traffic, but also no kids playing outside. As a result, we're actually spending less time outdoors than we used to (DD gets bored in the garden by herself). There are also far fewer activities around, and on rainy days it feels like there is nothing much to do. We used to just walk to a museum, or a cafe, or an indoor playground. Now everything is a bit of a drive. And people here are friendly, but not very outgoing. It's all families with two working parents around here. Nothing wrong with that, that's us too, but I miss the diversity and having people around who are up for randomly grabbing a coffee: the stay at home mums, the PhD students, the international community.

I feel I was talked into this by my parents and friends who are of the opinion that "kids deserve a garden" and "a small flat is not a family home". When I had doubts about leaving the city, they assured me I'd enjoy the space, that life would be so much easier with a garden, that everything would be better etc. Unfortunately I feel like I've been led by some middle class fantasy instead of going with my gut.

The move was really stressful, and we did a lot of the work ourselves, but lately I find myself looking at listings in our old neighbourhood and dreaming about moving back. I just don't dare to bring it up, because I was the one who wanted us to move in the first place (DH is the type who is basically happy anywhere). AIBU?

OP posts:
parietal · 07/08/2023 17:06

Sorry things worked out like this

it is a massive myth that people need detached houses & gardens. all over Europe, people live happily in flats and have a better quality of life with a shorter commute etc.

look to move back to the city. you won't regret it.

Original poster
MiMouse · 09/08/2023 09:55

Thank you. :-) It's going to be a tricky conversation, though, and I know my family will judge me, but I suppose the right thing to do is admit I've made a mistake.

OP posts:
Nevermay · 09/08/2023 09:57

I think you feel homesick, and that may pass and you may settle down and put down roots where you are - what is the school like?

Waifeandstray · 09/08/2023 09:57

100% move. I’m stuck in a small town and I’m miserable. Can’t move as we are trapped by schooling (kids with Sen and so kids are in 3 different schools). They’re too far through education to move. So I’m having to wait it out. Gardens aren’t the be all and end all especially as kids get older.

ChurlishGreen · 09/08/2023 10:04

Move back without thinking twice. I know exactly what you mean about the use of outdoor space being completely different and less collective. I was used to London parks where people ate meals, went running, did outdoor yoga, camped out around the play area in good weather, like a giant communal garden. I had more of a sense of community there than I ever did in the villlage we moved to, despite doing all the ‘right things” — volunteering, attending and later running the baby/toddler group, going to the pub, inviting people over etc. And I absolutely get you on missing the variety of people to be found in a big city.

We stuck it out for years and I wish we hadn’t.

pippinsleftleg · 09/08/2023 10:11

If you can afford to move back then go for it.

Original poster
MiMouse · 09/08/2023 10:24

Nevermay · 09/08/2023 09:57

I think you feel homesick, and that may pass and you may settle down and put down roots where you are - what is the school like?

DD starts this year, so I'm not sure, but it looks great. Lots of extracurricular activities, additional support, enthusiastic teachers... Being near a good school was at the top of our list, so it's one of the main reasons we chose this town.
On the other hand, the school she would have attended in our old neighbourhood was also a great school.

OP posts:
ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 09/08/2023 10:30

Is there something in between what you had and what you have now?

We are in London and we used to live in a flat fairly near the centre which was great but with two lively boys we did need more space. We initially moved out to the outer suburbs and I hated it. It felt like everything was a drive or a bus ride away. I felt no connection to the area. Eventually we moved further in, to an area with a more urban feel - we could still get a house but got less for our money than in the outer suburbs. I love it here, I can walk to shops, GP, parks, cinema. The DC had sports clubs and public transport is great.

I realised that I needed somewhere a bit busier.

gingergiraffe · 09/08/2023 10:34

I moved to where I came from after the birth of my third baby. I was miserable, so a year later we moved back. Husband just wanted us all to be happy. 33 years later, same house and no regrets.

Summerslimtime · 09/08/2023 10:38

Similar boat. We just miss people I think and stuff going on. However what was going on was violent crime and drugs and dubious schools and dodgy characters. So our reasons for moving still stand, and the kids are absolutely thriving here. It's a truly wonderful life, but dh and I are so bored. We're city people and we can't change. Once school is done, we're off.

NevergonnagiveHughup · 09/08/2023 10:41

You seem to be more worried about your family “judging” you than your actual happiness.

Simply say it wasn’t for you. They are not the ones living your life OP.

jeaux90 · 09/08/2023 12:27

How old is your DD OP?

I made the move out of London to a small market town in Oxfordshire.

Her age is relevant because I found the benefits a little later on when she started school etc

Even more so now she's a teen. She's so much safer here, services and access to decent doctors/hospitals.

I have also grown my interests beyond what they used to be.

I don't think 9 months is long enough.

Wilkolampshade · 09/08/2023 12:53

Hey. We left London for Cornwall, same kind of reasons. Almost instantly regretted it, despite natural beauty, outdoorsy lifestyle etc. I found the same kind of seperateness as you OP. Had to wait nearly 15 years to return, for a whole load of complicated reasons. By that time it was painfully expensive.
We would be much, much better off materially if we had stayed but 🤷‍♀️. Life is too short.

Original poster
MiMouse · 09/08/2023 13:09

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 09/08/2023 10:30

Is there something in between what you had and what you have now?

We are in London and we used to live in a flat fairly near the centre which was great but with two lively boys we did need more space. We initially moved out to the outer suburbs and I hated it. It felt like everything was a drive or a bus ride away. I felt no connection to the area. Eventually we moved further in, to an area with a more urban feel - we could still get a house but got less for our money than in the outer suburbs. I love it here, I can walk to shops, GP, parks, cinema. The DC had sports clubs and public transport is great.

I realised that I needed somewhere a bit busier.

We would have been able to afford a somewhat larger flat if we had moved to a different area within the city, but a house with a garden was just above our budget (at least in the neighbourhoods where I would have felt comfortable and safe living with DD).

We could afford to move back, but it'd mean a financial loss for sure.

DD is 4.

OP posts:
Original poster
MiMouse · 09/08/2023 13:11

Happy to hear I am not the only one who made this mistake, even though that sounds strange, because obvsly sorry for everyone who got stuck in a place that doesn't feel like home! I was just feeling like such a fool.

OP posts:
kimonoblues · 09/08/2023 13:21

jeaux90 · 09/08/2023 12:27

How old is your DD OP?

I made the move out of London to a small market town in Oxfordshire.

Her age is relevant because I found the benefits a little later on when she started school etc

Even more so now she's a teen. She's so much safer here, services and access to decent doctors/hospitals.

I have also grown my interests beyond what they used to be.

I don't think 9 months is long enough.

Healthcare in London is amazing!
NHS Dentists (remember those everyone else)
Same day GP appointments
Walk in centres
Enormous and efficient A&E (Chelsea and Westminster A&E is better than many Nuffield or Spire hospitals I have been in)

Meerkatdog · 09/08/2023 13:32

I made a similar move a year ago. We moved from London but we moved to another smaller city.
I am homesick, so homesick. We used to have a large flat that was in great condition but without a garden. We basically lived in the beautiful London parks at the weekends.
Now we have a house that needs so much work. The garden is nice but it needs maintaining and we used to be out all the time. Now I just feel depressed looking at our run down house and we have lost access to London. We also moved away from a great school. I'm kicking myself.
We can't afford to move back and it wouldn't be fair on my kids who have settled (and one of them is quite a bit older than yours).
If I were you I would move back as soon we possible especially if you're only planning one child, a flat is fine for one child.

My DH'S cousin has 3 kids in a flat in a city. They have shared gardens, the boys spend all their time playing with their friends outside, as a result they are exceptionally good at sport. The dream of a house with a garden in a small town is a middle class myth!

user1477391263 · 09/08/2023 13:34

I feel I was talked into this by my parents and friends who are of the opinion that "kids deserve a garden" and "a small flat is not a family home". When I had doubts about leaving the city, they assured me I'd enjoy the space, that life would be so much easier with a garden, that everything would be better etc.

Agh, this sounds familiar, OP. I am a urban type who has raised two kids in a condo (which we own) in an urban area (not in the UK), we hang out in local parks and walk/take public transit everywhere and see a lot of life. I remember before we had the kids (and even after we had them, in the early days) getting a lot of annoying "I know better than you" comments about how we would be sure to get sick of this and move away for a detached house and car and garden. Eventually the comments stopped, but I know what you mean about the pressure. I've never told anyone else what kind of area to live in, so it was annoying when other people kept doing it to me. We don't all want to live in the same kinds of places, and frankly, that's a good thing!

If you hate it, move. Agree with others that perhaps a mid-town type of area - bit more space than your original local but still central - might be ideal.

jeaux90 · 09/08/2023 13:41

@kimonoblues your experience of healthcare in London was definitely not mine. In fact a couple of experiences of it was a driving force out of London. That and the schools situation, rate of sexual assaults against girls in the secondary system etc.

OP my DD was about 5/6 by the time I had settled into life away from the city. I moved when she was 3.

Once she started primary and could then do other things tennis coaching at the club, stagecoach on a Saturday, play dates with school friends, birthday parties, things started to get better.

I was really career focused at this time too so it was really about the weekends. Getting her out and about also gave me some time back.

All I'm saying is perhaps give it time.

Riapia · 09/08/2023 13:47

And I regret it.
Not as much as the locals.
Having to hear how shit their “small” town is compared to your wonderful “big city.”
Location, location, location.

Loulou599 · 09/08/2023 13:51

I think 9 months is a bit of a weak stab at it, give it a full.academic year and decide

user1477391263 · 09/08/2023 13:52

Riapia · 09/08/2023 13:47

And I regret it.
Not as much as the locals.
Having to hear how shit their “small” town is compared to your wonderful “big city.”
Location, location, location.

Er.... nothing in the OP's post suggested that she was moaning or bitching to her neighbors or insulting the area to them. She's allowed to express her feelings here on an anonymous forum. Read another thread if this one offends you so much.

Mrtumblefan · 09/08/2023 13:52

MiMouse · 09/08/2023 09:55

Thank you. :-) It's going to be a tricky conversation, though, and I know my family will judge me, but I suppose the right thing to do is admit I've made a mistake.

I dunno I don't think you've made the adjustment yet. In a city, it's cool with all the stuff laid on, in the country though, you have to create it yourself and it takes a long time to truly embrace that! I don't think you're there yet. It'd be a damn shame to move back IMO before trying properly. You have to force yourself into different habits, make them normal. I think for kids it's WAY better to have garden, etc.

Your DD for example needs to find ways of enjoying herself in the garden without other people there to entertain her, takes time but she'll get there. More bike rides and all that. You too, throw yourself at new hobbies that don't need stimulation and facilities and people to meet up with all the time to keep you feeling good.

It's just different, the adjustment period takes a while. Don't give up before you've given it a couple years because for kids it could be massively good change.

frootito · 09/08/2023 13:56

Gosh move back OP. I'm raising my DD in central London and we all love it. She's an only so is surrounded by playmates. School catchment is very small so whenever we go to the park she meets school friends and play dates are easy to set up. Like you I value the diversity of community and it's an inspiring place to be.

I do think we could have a much nicer house and bigger garden if we left. But I value everything here too much to give it up.

Finlesswonder · 09/08/2023 13:58

It sounds a bit passive re your daughter, aka lots of "consumption" of entertainment and activities etc where you were but thats a lot of input without output, eg developing a kids imagination and creativity. At least where she is now she has to "produce" not just "consume"

Plus cities nowadays are too full of cafés with kids everywhere so try and look at it like you have added to the natural order of things ;)