7.5 year age gap kids? 2/3 kids?

[Duckduckie]

Is 7.5 years between the eldest and youngest too much? It would then be 4.5 years between the middle child if we had a third.

i came from a family of 5 kids and oldest, I felt like I didn’t get much attention, I think my parents preferred babies to actual kids at times. I worry about giving my kids enough attention and if they will be emotionally supported (something I think was missing from my childhood)

I worry about days out and giving my kids opportunities I never had; theme parks, adventure, travel etc.

Yet I have an urge to have a 3rd child. I had a TMFR with a third a year ago which is also a worry as I think that would have a been a great age gap. Maybe it’s all meant to be? But we could ttc and I could have that feeling of completely my family. I feel a bit all over the place mentally!

There's 13 years between my eldest and youngest. The eldest is grown up now and is positive about their childhood years and never felt neglected. Maybe some people find it easier than others to share their attention around? It takes work to make sure each child gets their fair one on one time but should be manageable with just three. As for all the other things, that's about priorities and finances. Only you can answer that.

There's a ten year age gap between my eldest and middle one. They are close, it was my eldest that took her to her first festival etc, ideal really. The two year age gap was to get one out of nappies and walking, in the days of cloth nappies. If you wasn't pregnant within eighteen months you'd get a home visit from the priest. They are irrelevant in today's world.

I’ll give you my perspective as an older child with a big gap to the youngest - don’t do it. Unless you have incredible amounts of money and stamina you will be spread too thin. Your first duty is to your existing children and this isn’t in their best interest.

We have an almost 8 gap between our two - but we only ever wanted two.

Easy at first - baby was taken along to things the 8/9 year old did. Harder when 11/12/13 and 3/4/5 - but much easier in years (20s and teen).

I have a smaller gap than this and still feel really torn most days - oldest one wants to play together / go somewhere interesting for her, youngest two make it prohibitive or impossible. I really wouldn't. Maybe others handle it better/differently. I'm constantly splicing myself.

This is how I feel as an older child with a few younger siblings. Probably why I’m driven to give them what I didn’t have. I honestly feel like my parents emotionally neglected me. They didn’t mean too, they just had too many kids.

I need to remember this, it could be different I might be able to split myself between 3 however what if I can’t? I don’t want to regret having a baby.

I feel sad my babies are all growing up, I have kept all the baby stuff wanting to use it for another baby. Just makes me sad!

Do you want another child or another baby? You need to think about that as you know babies grow up. Will you be broody for a fourth after your third?
We have 8 years between first and last (2.5 between first and second). It was planned as we didn't want to feel spread too thinly between three young children and wanted to enjoy the baby stage with each child (and had to wait to assess the impact of Covid). They are 10, 7 and 2, they get on well so far. It also means we only have one main childcare bill.
Don't have another child because of your love of babies.

I'm the youngest in my family and my siblings are 10 and 6 years older than me. The gap you describe sounds really normal to me - It's not compulsory to pop all your kids out in the blink of an eye! Your kids will be fine :)

Only you can know your circumstances and if you feel you could spread yourself and “start over” with another. I have friends that have really regretted having second because of the juggle between a baby and toddler/ 5YO and other friends that adore having two or more and everyone gets on fine etc.

Everyone reacts differently and sometimes the reality when it hits is totally different. So it’s a flip of a coin. My best friend is tearing her hair out with her DS11 and DS12 at high school and her DD4 starting school soo . In her words she’s dealing with the worst stages (in her opinion) at once and shes feeling overwhelmed like she can’t do the right thing for any of them. The pre teen lads don’t want to do what their younger sister wants, likewise she can’t interact with them in the same way so they’re much closer as brothers who have “grown up” together. That’s a dramatic example, but prior to this she adored having two kids and was off a lot with them in the early days. She had always wanted a larger family etc and it’s just been a lot harder for the whole family than she expected. Others families will be different.

I guess just make sure it’s for the right reasons? Not just because your little ones have grown up (because this one will too remember, so then will you feel like a fourth?) 😅

Mine are now 20, 16 and 12 and they get on really well together. There have been times when middle has been closer to eldest or youngest depending on life stage etc. But as a three they all get on well and look out for each other. We've never had an issue with days out or anything as I often see people saying about age gaps.

Different strokes for different folks, what suits one family won't suit another. For us an 8 year age spread has worked really well.

I can only speak from my own experiences obviously.

I am one of 3. Brother 4.5 years older than me, sister 4 years younger.

The age gap doesn't matter, I don't think. There are pros and cons to all gaps. I think the parents' ability to spread themselves/finances matter a lot.

It wasn't great for me, being one of 3. I always got on great with my brother but not my sister and I wonder if it's partly due to the parenting.

When we were younger, it was things like being dressed the same that really bothered me. I never felt listened to.

As we got older, I ended up shouldering an awful lot of responsibility (my brother went into the military at 16 so didn't live at home then). Things like being responsible for getting us both to/from school/being in charge while parents worked shifts/cooking the tea etc. It was a regular thing, not an odd occasion and I felt I never had chance to do anything by myself.

I can honestly say, I wouldn't have 3.

I actually only have 1 and a lot of the reason for that is I didn't want him to feel pushed out.

@mishmased i don’t want another baby I want a child, I could have my genetic child handed to me as a 1 year old that would be ideal, I hate pregnancy and the first year

@Duckduckie I hope I didn't come across as rude as not my intention. I was going by you talking about your babies growing up, cause that's what they do. It is tough deciding on a third, we were in the same situation three years ago and now we have a two year old and the feeling of someone missing is gone. Best of luck with your decision.

I have boys aged 19, 17 and 12 (1.5 year gap then 5.5 year gap) . The only time the age gap was ever an issue was when my youngest was a baby/toddler and we had to time things around naps etc but that wasn't a huge problem.

@Splat92 lovely to hear :)
Currently expecting with my 3rd and would have same age gaps as yours.. I'm anxious about it to be honest. Worried when 3rd child is 5 the 10 year old won't want yo play etc. Can you give me any insight to how you found all the different stages xx

@Nell23
As mentioned the hardest bit was when DS3 was a baby. The school run meant that I often had to wake him from naps and we didn’t get into a proper routine. Until he gave up the day sleep it also meant we weren’t able to do full day outings easily which we would have liked to do with the older two by then.

Once DS3 was up and running there were always things that they were happy to do together eg at the ages you mentioned they were always happy to jump on the trampoline or kick a soccer ball around together. There were plenty of times however where one of us would take the older two and the other would take the youngest eg theme parks where they would want completely different rides.

I found that my eldest and youngest always had more of a parent-child relationship due to the age gap but the younger two were just close enough that they were still more like brothers and would fight quite a lot when they were younger.

At their current ages it’s quite easy and they will often be out in the backyard playing sport together or playing board games.

Now that my older kids are off doing their own thing quite a bit it’s nice to still have one that wants to be around. It is good for the things you miss about various stages as you get to hold onto it for that bit longer.

@Splat92 thanks for replying.
I think I'm having server perinatal anxiety/depression. I just can't seem to focus on any positives. I had an miscarriage last year and we've been ttc for 6 months but now that it's happened I'm full or regret and feel terrified that I won't be able to manage 3. I think I'm going insane! Anyone any help?

@Nell23 I’m really sorry to hear that. I hope you have a strong support network to help you. With your kids a bit older you can get them to be a bit of help when the baby is born and they are more understanding so I feel that there are a lot of positives. The first bit is the hardest for sure but it will be OK!

@Splat92 thank you so much. I'm just catastrophising , I know I am. I feel a little more settled this morning. I've an excellent husband whom is my biggest support. What will be will be and pg I have a little healthy bundle. Ive an anxious personality that seems to be getting worse with age!
Thanks so much for your insight and support x

@Nell23 all the best I'm sure it will be better than you think xx

@mishmased

what gaps are between your 3? How do they get on now between themselves a few years on and do you feel split between each or not?

is it hard to find things for you to do as a family that please everyone?

@Spoton100sorry for the late reply. They’re now 12, 9 and 4. They get on really well, the middle child is very close to the first and very close to the last as well. 9 year old can sit and watch peppa pig with 4 year old, she now thinks they’re a similar age and 12 year old she understands is older.

It is very full on as my oldest does competitive swimming, rugby, soccer, taekwondo so there’s lots of ferrying around especially for swimming as it is 9hours a week currently and it keeps increasing.

In some ways it’s tough but at the same time easier as the third child brings a different dynamic to the house. We try to do things together but sometimes split up. We recently went on a staycation and took two cars more for comfort, as DH took older two and I took youngest, halfway she decided to switch cars and went with the others leaning me on my own. There is an intensity but not because of the third but because of activities that the older two do.
Pretty much everything we did on this holiday we did as a family but there are times where we have had to split up.
This Sept will be hectic because eldest and youngest youngest will be starting secondary and primary schools so wish me luck (I absolutely detest jolly phonics 😂
Overall I am very happy with my three.
I Should add that I was diagnosed with with a chronic condition in n the last year and that has been quite stressful but we’re doing well.

@mishmased

Thanks for your reply. Thats interesting. How do your 12 year old and 4 year old get on? Do they hang out together or not so much?

also do you think it would have been full on anyway without your 4 year old with how much stuff your 12 year old does or would you say having the 4 year old definitely complicate things?

Also sorry to hear about your diagnosis. That can’t have been easy. Hope you continue to do well xx

@spotonsorry to hear about your diagnosis, hope you are doing well.

The 12 (nearly 13 year old) and 4.5 year old play quite well. They do hang out and if they don’t, it is more because she shoos them away. She cheers for him whenever she watches him play which he doesn’t like because he hates being the centre of attention (even as a baby). His friends play with her as well and it helps that some of his friends have younger siblings that age or close enough. He can get on her nerves when he teases he as she takes him quite literally.

I noticed that she sees him as a “big boy” so tends to listen to him more than she would listen to the 10 year old. She sees my younger son as her age mate and has a slightly different relationship with him, more peer-like.

I don’t think she complicates things at all. My eldest is one of those kids that are very sporty and enjoys it. We spend most of our time on eldest related activities and physio. My daughter hasn’t started any activities outside of school yet. It also helps that my neighbor who is also a close friend has a daughter that is 8 months older. We tend to use the girls to entertain one another between both houses and babysit if we have to be somewhere and don’t want to bring either girl.

I think one of the biggest change is financial as it is more costly, Mat leave, childcare and your house is a bit messy for a while longer. Also they’re at two different stages in their lives and I have to deal with them in different ways in order to meet their needs but I do feel lucky to have them. My youngest has in a way helped to keep the older two young, they watch peppa pig with her, she watches loud house with them. I’m an only child so it feels wonderful watching their relationship grow.

Thanks for your good wishes, it hasn’t been too bad with illness. Hope you’re keeping well.
Do you work full time? I do and that is exhausting. I barely have time to myself but that is fast changing. Have a lovely Christmas ❤️

18 years between my eldest and youngest. They adore each other.

I’ve got 3 children, 23, 12 and 5.

I’ve never even thought about the age gaps to be honest.