Family think we should be tougher and shout more

[bedu]

At my DS, 3 and a half. For having tantrums sometimes.

The tantrums are generally better than they were a year ago. But it still happens. For example when he can't get his way, he sometimes cries and throws himself on the floor for a bit occasionally. Or when he is having lots of fun and it finishes, he struggles not to lose his temper in those situations.

It's better, but it still happens.

Everyone in my family just thinks he's naughty now and needs a good bollocking for doing it. Literally, that's what they think.

Personally I have been taking a more gentle approach all along. Shouting makes it last longer and doesn't seem to help really. I always tried the ' I know you're frustrated we need to leave now. You were having fun and now we need to go and it's making you feel sad '.. kind of technique. I can't say it's been a huge success. But on average the tantrums are shorter than if you stand there shouting and making them more upset. I also just don't like shouting that much.

What does everyone else think ?

Shout at your family and see if it makes them happier or angrier.

Ask them to find a respected parenting expert who recommends shouting at your children.

Some behaviour does need a firmer line - it's painful watching the way some parents pander to their DCs when they are acting up. But that doesn't usually mean shouting.

This.

I like to remove toys/ remove him from the situation / go home/ give him a time out/ turn TV off, that kind of stuff. Rather than just shouting.

I dont think you be shouting at your child but you could be a bit firmer.
SIL is into “gentle” parenting and to be honest listening to her does get right on my tits at times

My DD was terrible for having tantrums at that age and trust me shouting made them last twice as long. My mum once said ‘there’s something wrong with this child’ as she still was going 30-40 mins later which was normal for her. She’s 15 now and when I tell people who know her what she was like with tantrums they can’t believe it as she’s so quiet and gentle and she’s never caused me a days trouble yet. I guess she was just frustrated when younger. My ex was much stricter with DS and he spent a lot of time on the naughty step, but he could never do it with DD as she wouldn’t stop screaming and we felt at times we had no control over her. So don’t worry, she’s been no problem since those tantrum days were over. If she was upset over something now (rare) then she just goes into her room and closes the door. No usual teenage girl screaming, shouting and stomping

Make sure you let dc know that you need to leave in 10 minutes, then in 5 minutes so it doesn’t come out of the blue but otherwise it sounds as if you’re a lovely parent and shouting is very unlikely to improve the situation.

Your family are wrong. Shouting isn’t being tougher, it’s being abusive. Abused children tend to be extremely well behaved out of fear because they know the alternative is hell on Earth.

What do you think I should do if he's kicking off when we need do leave soft play of whatever ? I give the 5 minute warning.. then I try to distract etc. but if he has a tantrum as we are leaving, I carry him out and that's that and just let him scream in the car. What would you do ? Sometimes I lose it in the car and shout at him to be quiet, but it doesn't make much difference anyway.

All depends. Do you stand there and watch him tantrum while trying to reason with him? Sometimes kids need a firm boundaries.
I remember a post a while back where a whole extended family trip was delayed leaving fir an hour while the mum and dad tried to reason with tantruming pres schooler rather than just liftinf them and putting them in the car

Read up about authorative vs authoritarian
parenting.

They want you to do the latter. It doesn't work very well.

That’s really sad. That is not how you get the best out of a child. It just makes them scared or shut down.

understanding age appropriate behaviour and development is key for the adults you are talking about. They are the issue

It's how we were parented I guess. Back in the day it was the only way for most families.

Some kids seem to need you to end things for them by by being firm but for others it would escalate the situation. Just tell your family you have tried different approaches and this is what works for your child.

There isn't much point shouting at a 3yo, except to stop them doing something dangerous. Once they're in a tantrum they can't process what you're saying anyway.

Save the shouting for when they're too big to physically pick up and remove from the situation 😉

I try to shut it down. Distract and if there's no way to distract, I try to remove. There's no point in saying too much. But pointing out feeling can help.

I recently tried to do a couple of time outs for tantrums. ( first time ) So the other day DS wanted an ice cream but it was time for lunch first. So I said, lunch first. Anyway, a tantrum ensued. I immediately removed him from the kitchen and placed him in another room and told him he needed to have time out to think about his behaviour. I then explained that he needs a time out because he was angry and screamed and threw himself on the floor because he couldn't have an ice cream.

Then I asked, why are you having a time out ? And he said, because I'm sad I can't have ice cream. 🤦‍♀️ so I explained it's not because he's sad that's he's having a time out, but because he shouted and screamed about not having ice cream. I'm not sure that really worked...

I've tried many approaches. But not getting angry back and labelling feelings / giving a cuddle at the end seem to work best if it's a big tantrum. When we are out and about and it happens I try to leave asap.

It's difficult because the other children get shouted at and just don't have tantrums anymore. They did a bit, but never as much as mine. And it stopped much sooner. So everyone says I need do get my son to be scared of me and that's the only way apparently.

I'm no angel, I have definitely shouted out of frustration. It just doesn't make much difference. It makes it worse when I shout.

Shouting to discipline is rubbish parenting. It’s disciplining through fear rather than supporting the child’s understanding and moral compass. Besides the 3 year old will eventually become a 17 year old, much bigger with much louder clashes and potentially damaged adult relations

Sometimes you have to be a bit of a buffer between your child and all the people with opinions about them. You know your boy better than they do.

Shouting will not help, it will increase stress hormones for both you and DS. Being firm is different, this can be rationale and accompanied by sympathy and understanding, and physical touch can help calm.

That tantrum phase passes regardless of what parents do

Shouting doesn't work, not when they're 3 or older.

Keep doing what you are doing. Key thing is boundaries - kids love them and it makes them feel secure. So if you tell them in 5 mins we are leaving and they tantrum, ignore pick up and go. They learn you mean what you say. Gentle parenting is only an issue if you're still trying to reason with them half an hour later to go.

Do pick your battles and make sure what you are saying can happen. If a kid is having a tantrum over food for example and not wanting to eat something. You can't force that (you're not going to physically make them eat it) so don't even try.

Firm and boundaried yes, shouting no. It sounds like you’re doing fine, OP. My second child was a tantrummer and shouting at her achieved absolutely nothing, actually made it worse and I just felt horribly guilty afterwards

Removing them from the situation and waiting it out is much better than shouting. I think having a firm, unhappy mummy tone and facial expression is fine. I think the worst thing is dragging it out and trying to placate or bargain with a kid who has already lost control.