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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU- inlaw problems

35 replies

Taylor75111 · 06/08/2023 21:41

Hi everyone.

I've never posted on here before and I need some advice.

I've recently had my second baby. My husband's mother is chronically unwell (not terminal) and lives on the otherside of the UK. My second baby is her first grandchild.
She, understandably, want regular visits from her grandchild. As she is unwell she cannot visit us very often but does come every few months or so. As I have another child, I cannot commit to regular visits there at weekends. 3 or 4 times a year at most. This will interfere with co-parenting arrangement and they wouldn't want to go anyway.

She is requesting my husband take my baby for monthly visits to her without me. I know why this is but I don't think this is fair on my baby, nor something I am happy with. The drive is long and he will be in the back on his own. I'm also not happy about my baby being on the otherside of the UK, without me, so regularly.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 06/08/2023 21:42

How old is your baby, and are you breast feeding ?

Original poster
Taylor75111 · 06/08/2023 21:44

6 months and I'm not breastfeeding anymore.
Thanks for the reply

OP posts:
Keeva2017 · 06/08/2023 21:45

why can visits be only 3/4 times a year?

I do see your point and wouldn’t want my baby going without me at 6 months but you aren’t offering a lot?

TarquinOliverNimrod · 06/08/2023 21:46

No, you are not being unreasonable. My son is soon to be 10 months and it’ll be a long while before he is away from me other than a couple of days at nursery.

Changingplace · 06/08/2023 21:46

I wouldn’t want to agree to a definite once a month visit, it’s a big commitment, I’d say your DH can take the baby to visit as often as is possible but I wouldn’t agree to a set schedule.

DustyLee123 · 06/08/2023 21:46

If you weren’t with the baby’s father he could take baby anyway, so I think you have to let it happen.

Original poster
Taylor75111 · 06/08/2023 21:48

Thanks for the reply. It's a long way and with both working full time, plus my other child it's difficult. They go to their dad's one night every weekend. They visit us about 3 times so we generally see them every 2 months approximately.

OP posts:
UWOT1 · 06/08/2023 21:48

How long is the drive? Could he fly instead? Who is paying for these journeys? How many days would he be away with the baby? While I understand she wants a relationship with her GC you and your husband need to he comfortable with the arrangements. What does DH think? Personally, I wouldn't want my baby to be away from me for days some people wouldn't be upset by it.

Original poster
Taylor75111 · 06/08/2023 21:50

Sorry I should have clarified. This is my current partner and new baby.

OP posts:
babbscrabbs · 06/08/2023 21:50

Can you go by public transport? Perhaps you can compromise. I would try to go a bit more, maybe 6 times a year? And let him take baby twice a year by himself?

ConcernedCatmother · 06/08/2023 21:51

YANBU MIL can move closer if she’s that bothered

SarahAndQuack · 06/08/2023 21:52

How does your DH feel?

I think it's not unreasonable of her to suggest it as a possibility, and it's also not unreasonable of you to feel you'd rather say no.

Personally, I wouldn't have felt happy with it either, and 3-4 visits a year wouldn't strike me as unacceptable - it does depend on family expectations (and how much you each do/value virtual contact).

Agree it might be a good idea not to commit to a fixed schedule but play it by ear.

LainyMainyWainy · 06/08/2023 21:56

you say they live the other side of the uk, how many hours from you is that?

I wouldn’t want a baby away from me that frequently either. Does your partner want to visit them every month?

airforsharon · 06/08/2023 21:58

ConcernedCatmother · 06/08/2023 21:51

YANBU MIL can move closer if she’s that bothered

At the risk of seemjng harsh, yes this. There's no way i'd have wanted my baby to be so far away so regularly. Three or four visits a year isn't much granted, but when you have to factor in work commitments, other children etc sometimes that's just life.
I wonder if she would've been happy for her baby to be away from her so often when she was a mum? Your this baby's mum & your feelings matter, don't let her & your dh ride roughshod over you

airforsharon · 06/08/2023 22:00

apologies for typos - seeming & you're
Cat 'helping' me type 🙄

ShirleyV · 06/08/2023 22:02

I'm with you on this one OP. I totally get that your MIL wants to see her grandchild as often as she can but I do think it is a bit unreasonable of her to suggest such a regular visit given the age of your baby and the length of the car journey. I don't know what her chronic illness is but wonder if these visits could possibly be alternated with her coming to you for one stay then a few weeks later, you going to her. After a week working, the last thing I'd be wanting to do on my weekend off is a long car journey, alone with a baby. If you work too, then the weekend is also your quality time with your baby and family. Once a month seems a bit excessive to me.

Original poster
Taylor75111 · 06/08/2023 22:03

Thanks everyone. I was feeling really mean but now I feel reassured. It's approximately a 4 hour drive so could be longer but it's definitely a challenge with our baby in the car, on your own !

OP posts:
HasBean7 · 06/08/2023 22:03

My DD is 14 months and I'm still not ready to be apart from her overnight. No idea when I will be. My MIL expected me to do similar to you - have DH travel with DD to stay with them over 3 hours away. I said no when DD was 6 months old and I still say no. They think I'm some crazy unhinged mother even though MIL and my DM only spent nights apart from DC when they were giving birth to more DC (!!) or the DC were old enough for cub camps / school trips. Stick to your guns, and do what's right for you and your LO. F everyone else.

Bandyarsia · 06/08/2023 22:17

Once a month , 4 hours away overnight with his dad, I'd probably jump at the chance for a little break.

3/4 times a year when it's only 4 hours away sounds a bit mean.

TheSilentSister · 06/08/2023 23:03

I'm with you OP, baby or young child alone in the back of the car for a long journey, totally not fair. safe or reasonable. Even if you both went, it's still not fair on the child. I was in a similar position - 5/6hr car journey to see ExDH's parents, involving an overnight stay, both working. Did it a few times and it was very stressful (DC has ASD) so I put my foot down and said no, not happening anymore.

Olika · 06/08/2023 23:11

If an adult was there sitting next to him then yes but not him on his own at the back.

ShirleyV · 06/08/2023 23:36

@TheSilentSister

"I'm with you OP, baby or young child alone in the back of the car for a long journey, totally not fair. safe or reasonable. Even if you both went, it's still not fair on the child."

Absolutely this! A four hour journey equates to eight hours round trip, which over two days is a lot for a baby to have to be strapped in a car seat on their own. Factor in feeding and changing stops and having to deal with episodes of crying (with no one beside the baby to offer comfort) while driving all sounds like a nightmare to me. Not to mention the regular disruption to any routine that you have managed to establish for sleeping etc. No thanks!

SwordToFlamethrower · 07/08/2023 00:35

Absolutely no way I'd allow this!

My baby screams for me when I'm driving the car for one hour, let alone without me for a weekend away, and she is 9 months old!

No way would I allow a separation from me. No way.

10HailMarys · 07/08/2023 00:50

Taylor75111 · 06/08/2023 22:03

Thanks everyone. I was feeling really mean but now I feel reassured. It's approximately a 4 hour drive so could be longer but it's definitely a challenge with our baby in the car, on your own !

A four-hour trip each way, every month, is a lot for anyone to do alone with a baby I think.

JudgeRudy · 07/08/2023 00:54

I'm confused by your child visitation arrangements. Is this really what's stopping you visiting so often or is a more a case of you've got better things to do. If you're 4 hours apart I think you just have to accept that you won't see each other so much. Once a month would be nice though. I'm not really sure why you feel your kid can't be without you for the day. Its not like hes at grannies on his own. He's with his dad! Surely your husband takes him out on his own sometimes. It will likely be a bit of a tedious day for him but that's part and parcel of bring a family. Could your husband visit her one month then the next she comes to you? It seems a bit unfair that your OH puts himself out for your son yet you won't go along with a reasonable request for him to prioritise his family. Have you out and out said you don't want this? How did your OH react.

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