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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to tell new woman there was an overlap?

48 replies

Mezta2017 · 06/08/2023 15:01

So, I split with my boyfriend. It was mutual. Sort of. Well, he kept saying he wanted to move back home to be nearer his friends and family. I realised that he was looking for a way out. I suggested we split. He agreed. We'd been seeing each other for just less than a year. We weren't living together, but serious and committed. A lot of promises were made. I'm 44. He's 38. I have a DC. He doesn't. I think I tried to "get in there first". I was really sad he didn't fight for us.
Anyway, he wanted to stay friends. He's gone off to a festival for ten days. He's a volunteer. I'm looking after his cats. He went home one weekend a few weeks before we split and I saw he'd made a new FB friend. I didn't think too much of it at the time. With some FB digging, I can see that she is with him at the festival and telling everyone she's in love on FB, tagging him in everything. I think there was an overlap. I'm sure of it. Should I tell her? I think he slept with her when he was with me. And he's slept with me since we split and was presumably with her. I've confronted him and he's denying it all.

OP posts:
BeingATwatItsABingThing · 06/08/2023 15:05

What would you or she gain by telling her? It sounds like you need a clean break from him. Hide him on your social media and don’t look after his cats!

neilyoungismyhero · 06/08/2023 15:06

Personally I'd let it go, you're well rid of the scumbag and next time tell him to leave his cats at the cattery..cf..

Caprisunny · 06/08/2023 15:09

How long since the split?

Honestly, I wouldn’t. If you do it will be obvious you have been stalking her FB page. And also he just says ‘she is jealous and lying’.

Then what?

TomatoSandwiches · 06/08/2023 15:09

So you don't know for sure, come on op, you are 44, get some dignity and leave it alone, block or delete whatever and move on, she won't care and it will make you look pathetic.

HerMammy · 06/08/2023 15:10

Why are you watching his cats??
That's the question not the overlap.

TomatoSandwiches · 06/08/2023 15:11

" And he's slept with me since we split "

Yes and why did you allow that to happen? Stop sleeping with him, create some healthy boundaries and respect yourself.

jeaux90 · 06/08/2023 15:12

I wouldn't say anything to her. I'd probably say something to him though when he gets back, hand him back his keys and tell him to get another mug to take care of his cats next time.

I guess he wanted to stay friends so you would look after his cats!

Mari9999 · 06/08/2023 15:13

@Mezta2017
You've split, what do you gain by creating problems in his next relationship? Better you spend your time focusing on your future. Let him manage his new relationship.

I never understand the need to play Sherlock when it is obvious that things have ended. If he is cheating in his new relationship that has absolutely nothing to do with you. His new girlfriend will have to navigate their relationship ,and it will be whatever the 2 of them make of it.

FrancisSeaton · 06/08/2023 15:14

Ffs get a grip you ended it- move on

Crazycrazylady · 06/08/2023 15:17

Honestly you will look like crazy ex particularly when you ended it. Let it go.

Cosyblankets · 06/08/2023 15:22

How did you notice he had a new fb friend?
You say you didn't think anything of it but yet you did some digging?
Just move on

Mouk · 06/08/2023 15:25

The same thing happened to me in April. I found out her name through a bit of digging.

I would just leave it. Nothing can be gained from telling her. Also stop looking after his cats.

It's a shitty feeling OP, I know. Try to move on.

Mouk · 06/08/2023 15:26

He ghosted me after 6 months of us being together. She's welcome to him.

LookingWest · 06/08/2023 15:28

I’d only flag if necessary for GUM clinic checks, otherwise who cares? You’ve split and you don’t know the situation with them starting

Winterscomingagain · 06/08/2023 15:48

I'd be more concerned that you're the one looking after his cats and sleeping with him after a break up.

10HailMarys · 06/08/2023 15:48

When you ‘suggested’ that you split up, you were clearly expecting him not to agree, weren’t you? You’ve slept with him since you split up, you’re stalking his FB friends, looking after his cats… and now you want to interfere in his new relationship?

You dumped him and now you’re jealous. Just cut ties and move on. His new girlfriend is none of your business.

I’m stunned that you’re 44 because you sound like an immature teenager.

WeeOrcadian · 06/08/2023 15:55

Oh, OP, come on. Have some self respect.

Stop FB stalking
Stop shagging him
Stop looking after his cats

For the love of God - block him and move on.

gamerchick · 06/08/2023 16:09

Tell him you're going home and he had better get his arse home to look after his own cats.

Forget about her, it won't make any difference anyway if she's got the love bug oxytocin thing going on and you're not together anymore.

livethislifetoday · 06/08/2023 16:14

Some people on here are just bloody awful. Right, but bloody awful.

You know what to do OP; head high and walk away from it.

Original poster
Mezta2017 · 06/08/2023 16:18

Yeah, PPs are right. I am acting like a teenager. I'm pretty shocked at myself and ashamed. I do need to get a grip, but it's easier said than done. There were loads of things that weren't right about our relationship. We weren't on the same page at all. But I feel really lost and sorry for myself. I've had such a bad run of luck. I've lost my mum, my dad, and my relationship in the last four months. I live in the middle of sodding nowhere and I feel very much alone. And insecure. And I don't seem to be coping with my emotions at all. I'm self-employed and work is thin on the ground, so I'm worried about money. I'm desperately mourning my mother. I just want her to come back and tell me to sort my shit out.

OP posts:
nonmerci99 · 06/08/2023 16:19

10HailMarys · 06/08/2023 15:48

When you ‘suggested’ that you split up, you were clearly expecting him not to agree, weren’t you? You’ve slept with him since you split up, you’re stalking his FB friends, looking after his cats… and now you want to interfere in his new relationship?

You dumped him and now you’re jealous. Just cut ties and move on. His new girlfriend is none of your business.

I’m stunned that you’re 44 because you sound like an immature teenager.

You on the other hand sound wonderfully empathetic.

Original poster
Mezta2017 · 06/08/2023 16:24

I've given him a piece of my mind and told him that I'll look after his cats until Wednesday but then I want no further contact with him. I'll get over it. I just feel really low. Awful. This is the fourth bastard I've given my time to. Are they all like this? I just can't imagine trying again with someone new.

OP posts:
Ohpleeeease · 06/08/2023 16:32

So sorry to hear about your loss, OP. 💐 You must feel very alone right now.

Forget the ex, and the new woman. She probably knows there was an overlap anyway. She can look after his sodding cats.

Willmafrockfit · 06/08/2023 16:33

that is often what happens,
just leave it

Willmafrockfit · 06/08/2023 16:34

i am sorry about your parents,
you dont need relationship trouble either.
look after yourself.