AIBU to want to tell new woman there was an overlap?

[Mezta2017]

So, I split with my boyfriend. It was mutual. Sort of. Well, he kept saying he wanted to move back home to be nearer his friends and family. I realised that he was looking for a way out. I suggested we split. He agreed. We'd been seeing each other for just less than a year. We weren't living together, but serious and committed. A lot of promises were made. I'm 44. He's 38. I have a DC. He doesn't. I think I tried to "get in there first". I was really sad he didn't fight for us.
Anyway, he wanted to stay friends. He's gone off to a festival for ten days. He's a volunteer. I'm looking after his cats. He went home one weekend a few weeks before we split and I saw he'd made a new FB friend. I didn't think too much of it at the time. With some FB digging, I can see that she is with him at the festival and telling everyone she's in love on FB, tagging him in everything. I think there was an overlap. I'm sure of it. Should I tell her? I think he slept with her when he was with me. And he's slept with me since we split and was presumably with her. I've confronted him and he's denying it all.

Why wouldn't she watch the cats?

What's the end game?

So sorry for your loss.

Don't bother telling her but don’t feel ashamed about the impulse - it’s no surprise you feel deceived. Ignore the stupidly harsh feedback you’ve had here.

Glad you’ve put your foot down about the cats. What a user he is!

Take some time to let yourself process all of this.

Thank you to those who've been kind. I don't mind those who've been a bit harsh either. I mean, I need a good talking to. My mum lived with me and my DC. She helped me parent my DD. She was with me from the beginning. The father of my DD isn't on the scene. My ex knew all this. He knew I nursed her for a year before she died of breast cancer. He knew it all and still, here I am looking after his cats while he has a lovely time. I'm just so upset. I know I'll get over it. I know that, but it still stings. I feel worthless. I was estranged from my dad, but it still hurts. I'm still full of "what-ifs". I don't know. It was daft of me to suggest contacting the new woman. It was daft of me to look. I'll have to buck my ideas up a bit. I just wish there was some sort of hope that one day I might find someone decent and not have to wade through life on my own. I don't feel like the strong woman I pretend to be.

@Mezta2017
Get help with managing your coping abilities. Focus on fixing you and maybe you will do a better job when choosing a partner.

You don’t need help fixing your coping abilities OP. I have no idea why some posters are so needlessly aggressive. There seems to be a lot of it about across the boards - one woman is being ripped to shreds because she doesn’t find Vinted user friendly, for eg!!

Good luck

Just this weekend long time g-friends and my cousin couldnt resist mentioning an ex
boyfriend from 2011! They all attended a fancy dress annual event and knew there was a very high likelihood of seeing ex. I think ex seeks them out so they can tell me. And OP I really didn’t care. You will get there too. It’s not a race to the altar. Let her explore a relationship with him on her own. He will be the same person he was with you and probably wrong for her too. Grieve your mother. I feel that’s more essential to your well being. Look for other work just look you don’t have to find anything. Do things you like and enjoy and you will meet someone doing these same shared interests. End on a high note and tattling to her is not a high note.

Well this is unnecessarily harsh! It’s not the OP choosing badly but people taking advantage.

@Mezta2017
You are looking after his cats because YOU said that you would. Perhaps he did not see your saying that you would look after his cats as a transactional agreement.

Having difficult times and experiences in your life is regrettable but it does not relieve you of the obligation to make good choices. You can't blame your past partners for being incompatible choices. You can only fix the standards and ways that you go about choosing partners.

When you fix you things may get better.

@Mari9999 I didn't think I was making the wrong choice a year ago. I was very careful about it. I thought I'd found a keeper. We never really fought. This is the first time I've actually bollocked him about something. We got on very well. He was kind and loving and supportive in many ways.

You sound like a wonderful person op - caring, compassionate. I’m so sorry for all you’ve been through. Your entire world has fallen in. And I’m sorry that you ex turned out to be such a sorry excuse for a man. You deserve so much more.

I can 100% see why you’d cat sit - you’ve presumably lost your furry friends too?

I find it weird that in other circumstances MN would be insisting that a woman had the right to know that her bf was a cheat. But I don’t think you should open yourself up to that tsunami of shit.

Are you getting some bereavement counselling? Or attending a group - they can be particularly helpful because it takes the focus off you but you feel the solidarity. And in a while think about looking at the freedom program too by women’s aid.

@Mari9999 It’s clear from your posts that you need some fixing yourself, rather than the OP. Perhaps a little self reflection might help you. Good luck.

Sorry for all the horrible things that have happened to you, but telling your ex's new GF about an overlap won't make things any better for you.

Grieve the relationship and everything you thought your future would be, and move on with dignity and your head held high.

You're an adult just move on and don't be jealous and petty.

Oh love, you’ve had a shitty time. You’re grieving and lonely and you’re extra vulnerable at the moment. Maybe right now it’s better to keep it light with any relationships rather than looking to them as your source of support.

There are things out there that can help. Grief counselling and bereavement support groups where you can talk to other people who understand what you’re going through and you can see that you’re not alone in keeping up a front when inside you feel broken. A regular exercise routine that you enjoy, whether that’s going for a walk alone, swimming, joining an exercise class or park run with your DC. Look to see if there are volunteer groups in your local area doing something that you could join in with. That could be a morning every other month helping clear litter from your local park or offering to give lifts to the shops once a week for an elderly neighbour or getting involved in a community gardening scheme. It’s all about healing and finding your place again.

@AtrociousCircumstance

Many , many, OP have given the same advice about contact the GF. The OP mentions have chosen multiple problem partners. At some point , it is reasonable to ask what was the common denominator in all of those situations?

Working on one's self is never a bad step to take. The only person that we can is our self.

@Mari9999 It’s your tone and emphasis - you are coming across as harsh and unkind, as if you have a need to vent some antagonism because of things in your own life. Maybe you don’t mean it that way.

Oh op it sounds like you’ve had an incredibly tough time. I’m so sorry about losing your mom.

Only time - and a complete blocking of all potential forms of communication- will help you heal. It stings like mad and feels so bloody unfair right now but I promise you it’ll get better.

One thing stood out from your post. You say you live in the middle of nowhere and that is contributing to your feeling of isolation. How do you feel about moving? Somewhere with a bit more going on, a fresh start, you could even think about downsizing to help ease your money worries. Plus a big project like that will keep you busy and not dwelling on Cat Cunt. Just a suggestion.

I wish you all the best op. You sound so sad and I hope you start to see some sunshine soon.

Oh hon I'm so sorry, if I was you I'd be telling him he has 24 hours to pick his cats up or they'll be dropped off at the nearest shelter and I'd do that as well. Block, delete and move on xx

@Papernotplastic I do a lot of volunteering. I run a charity. An animal charity. That's how he got his cats. It's very stressful at times. Perhaps I need to find something else that would make me feel a bit calmer. I have some good friends. I should turn to them, I think. I have a lovely sister as well, but she's 400 miles away. She's quite straight-talking and would tell me off for letting him make me feel this way.
I think it's the fact that everything has come at once. And maybe worrying about him and men in general is actually easier than the grief of losing my mum somehow. My mum would also tell me off for being like this. She brought me up to be stronger than this.
I keep crying in front of my little one. I've got to sort myself out.
I really do live in the middle of nowhere. I don't think there's much counseling available here and I'm not sure I could justify spending the money on it. I'm broke, but I do have some work to do and once that's done I'll be able to breathe a little easier.

Aww OP. Hugs. Absolutely call on all your friends this week and your lovely sister.

Running a charity must be a whole load of stress.

If you have people you can lean on a little, do. If you wanted to look at bereavement support counselling, some places like Marie Curie offer it for free. https://www.cruse.org.uk/ This place also offers free support.

@Papernotplastic Thank you so much. That's so kind of you.