Husband and our (f) best friend on holiday

[OfMyDog]

Sanity check please. Just back from 10 days in Santorini where it was me, DH our DS and also my best friend and her DS of same age. She is on a lower income so we offered for her and her son to join us and we paid for everything. She’s married too but she and her husband aren’t close so he stayed home, so just took her and her son.

She’s mainly my best friend and we’re super close and I trust her implicitly, but my husband also counts her as his best friend. They used to work together years ago. At home they go out alone together all the time, play sport together, meet for coffee and if one is WFH, they meet up at our house or hers for lunch without me. Our sons are in same class at school and it’s all one merged family. Her husband doesn’t seem to care what she does.

In the first week of the holiday they were spending loads of time together and I felt a bit like a spare part sometimes, he chats to her more than me, they joke together, they went to watch the sunset together on the beach alone etc. If we go somewhere, he sits in the middle of us with one of us either side but then he talks to her and ignores me, and if I bring this up he just makes out that it’s his right and that I’m boring him by even mentioning it.

I love her to bits and believe she is fully on my side, but I hate seeing him laughing and joking with her. I trust her and I’ve no physical evidence to doubt that he is doing anything, though he’s alwsys on his phone late at night :/ My family says that I’m being too trusting and that it’s not right. When I’ve tried speaking to him about it and how I feel, he shuts it down and says I’m being ridiculous and turns it into an argument about how it’s my fault and I’m being silly.

One thing that really stood out was a night on holiday where both our DS had fallen asleep in ‘our’ hotel room, so I stayed with them, and DH who’d been texting her all eve went to her hotel room and was gone for ages. When I went over and knocked, they were just sat on sofa and she was in her PJs, I have no reason to think anything happened then or any other time, but maybe I’m also being naiive!?!?

I don’t know what I’m asking other than AINBU to think that they’re just friends and it’s fine? I trust her, and I’ve never seen any evidence of him cheating. It’s just a bit uncomfortable with it sometimes and any of my other friends who hear about it think im a mug. I also hate how he just shuts me down and says I’m being too clingy for even mentioning it. Now we’re back in the UK they’re literally finding every opportunity to go for walks together and again I feel like the spare part, argh!

Please tell me I’m not being ridiculous!

xx

I have male friends, my DH has female friends... Never ever have either of us made the other feel like the friend was the higher priority.

What I’m not hearing is that you’ve spoken to your friend about this. What is your relationship like with her?

Yep it's in the OP or her next P. Read away.

If you and her weren’t friends how would you feel about their friendship?

@AppleTurnover1000Degrees
Why be so fucking rude?

I can give my opinion like everyone else can.

You need to get angry, you need to set ground rules.

He's had a romantic holiday with you, his wife, playing nanny so he could go off into the sunset and have late night talks in the hotel room of your "friend".

This sounds like he's conditioning your children for an easy break from you to recouple with her, keeping them on side.

I hope there's no times you've admitted you can't cope to her as I think she's keeping you sweet to gain your trust and screw you over in more ways than one. Do not confide in her or trust her, at all.

I can't believe your DH feels it's OK to disrespect you like he is. Ready yourself for divorce @OfMyDog, even if it's not you doing it, you need to be prepared or be blindsided.

If you wanted to be in a polyamorous relationship then that’s fine but the conversation needs to be had around that-but this doesn’t seem to be that. You are just the afterthought to babysit his children he has had with you.

She is where his head and heart are. Ffs-watching the sunset together? She should have been suggesting she babysit the children to give you two time given you had paid for her holiday.

By the way-she is not your best friend. She is not a friend to you.

The trickster part of me would tell her of a pregnancy scare in a week or so. Get a wee bit of trouble between them. But in reality I'd chicken out.

Good luck getting your ducks in a row.

Picture the scene, phone rings it's DH calling to say "Sorry I'll be late home tonight I'm meeting 'female friend' for dinner & catch up. I will refrain from writing what my reply would be 🤦‍♀️🤣

2 of the 1st red flags: you paid for her holiday and she's 'not close' to her husband. How can you be married and not be close?!

There's obviously something going on. There's zero need to spend so much time together, especially on their own. On lunch dates, romantic walks, at night when your in the hotel room next door - why wouldn't he just invite her over to your room?!

I can't honestly believe there's nothing going on. Straight men and women can't be that close and not develop feelings.

Time to get snoopy and get some evidence. Good luck!

It is an emotional affair happening right in front of you. So disrespectful to you and to your child.

I would not invite her on holiday or make it so easy for her to drop by anytime.
Of course this won't stop them texting, calling or meeting when you aren't there.
Can you talk to her directly and tell her she is no longer welcome in your eyes.

By the way-she is not your best friend. She is not a friend to you.

This.

I feel so much for you OP.

This is so hard. Two people who should be looking out for you and caring about you -

showing at best, complete disregard and disrespect for your feelings.

Even if it was just 3 mates on holiday together they would be leaving you out!

I hope there are others at home who can give you the love and support you deserve.

That’s mad and totally your own insecurities.

If you don’t trust your partner then why be with him.

He went to her room whilst u stayed with the kids?
why didn't you ask him to stay with you? Why didn't you say to him I'll go and you stay with the kids? Ask him and her why they are doing so many things together without you. Does she ever ask you to go out to do something or is it always just your husband?

Tell him again how you feel, tell him it's emotional cheating and it's not normal to spend more time with a friend than his wife. If he dismisses your feelings again, tell him this is serious and you need time to think about the future of your marriage.

I honestly wouldn't put up with that any longer. Men can have female friends but that's not normal behaviour. Your friend must realise how much time he spends with her.

You say you've spoke to her but I suspect you haven't went full pelt tell her she's on the verge breaking up your marriage and tell her it's not normal to be spending more time with your husband than you are. Ask her outright if anything is going on between them.

I honestly think your husband needs a shock to realise how serious this is and to take your feelings seriously.

Can you ask him to go stay with his parents whilst you think about the future? Maybe that will make him realise what he's doing to you.

I'm so sorry to read this OP. You must feel awful. Have you considered asking or indeed telling the F to stop going for walks, lunch etc with your H? Doesn't matter what they think of you. All you have to say is you're not comfortable with it. And for heaven's sake don't confide in her about anything , she'll definitely be telling your H. Hope you can sort the CDS out

I disagree. My DH and I have friends of the opposite sex but not to a level of personal intimacy that anyone could ever misconstrue anything or that anyone could feel jealous about. We put eachother first above anyone else of that gender. That is respectful in a relationship and marriage. I don’t know any best friends of opposite sex (who are heterosexual) where at least one of the friends isn’t into the other (secretly or otherwise).

Same. It's just not something that you do.

It might not be a physical affair but emotionally he is too involved with her.

She is NOT your best friend - a best friend would not behave like this with your husband. Sounds like she is just keeping you close and using your husband to get what she needs emotionally from her neglectful husband. She will see how much he wants to talk to her over you also and the fact she is encouraging it shows she enjoys it.

Your husband is a piece of work. Bloody hell - he is not showing you love!!! You deserve more from your partner.

It’s going to be uncomfortable but you need to stop this situation and end this friendship with this women. You have so many reasons to give if they ask why. I really hope your husband picks you and it goes your way. But even if he doesn’t, you have lost him either way.

You deserve more! You sound like a lovely trusting person and remember your feelings and happiness is important!

Oh OP, that's really shit for you. I'm so sorry. You sound like THE loveliest person too.

In a way, this holiday has been a blessing for you, because at least it has opened your eyes. There's no hiding from it when you're all together, all day, every day. At home, there are loads of other everyday distractions.
I'm actually annoyed at your friend. You've been so kind to her and it's inappropriate of her to allow your husband into her bedroom. It doesn't matter that they're good friends - this is a line that shouldn't be crossed, and she should know that.
As for your husband, well, I have no words for this level of disrespect. He's basically having an emotional affair, even if it hasn't yet got physical.
I really, really feel for you. They're taking the piss.

The most shocking thing is that you are allowing this madness to happen right in-front of you. Craziness. You need to learn some self respect and fast

It reads like an episode of Cold Feet, where everybody is in and out of everyones lives with trusted friendships. These situations occur, whereby confident capable women trust thier partners and friends implicitly allowing activities between children and adults to garner deeper friendship bonds between the sexes.

I've known some very strange set ups and I also not been surprised when things have gone awry in the marriages, I agree with a pp that there are some nasty individuals who will take advantage, I hope this is not the case here but at least op is starting to question this situation.

One thing I would say is guard your finances, any deceit and betrayal (if there is any) usually has an accompanying betrayal with money.

Oh I feel sorry for you how awful 🙈. They are 100% 'together!' And I think you know this deep down otherwise you wouldn't have posted this...sometimes though you need to see it 'clearly' to process it properly and give you closure. Body language/bevaviours is a huge indicator... For example When he makes a joke who does he look at/turn to? If he is laughing at something who does he look at first? Is his personal space very close to hers? Does he touch her in any way? I would check messages and emails if you can and maybe try if you can to follow them when they are out together... Either yourself or get someone else to follow them.

I know! Can you imagine. She's babysitting both kids while they're philandering.

Ps... Your friend sounds awful btw

She's no friend, is she?