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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Contraception

38 replies

Farmersswife · 06/08/2023 10:31

DH and I have just had our second baby currently 8m old. I’ve just stopped breastfeeding. DH 37 is refusing to get the snip, completely fair enough it’s his body & his choice. I 27 am not overly keen on going back on contraception there is a huge history of blood clots & related illnesses in the family and therefore I only have a limited choice. I previously had a coil but after 18m it started to be incredibly painful & the drs were reluctant to take it out.

DH refuses to wrap it up! I am happy for a 3rd but our lifestyle & marriage would not handle it!. I did try no sex for 4weeks but can’t deal with the earache anymore. What options do i have? What do other people do?.

DH thinks IABU & thinks it’s my responsibility to be protected.

OP posts:
NEmama · 06/08/2023 11:30

Well you need to use something or you will get more DC.

ForestGoblin · 06/08/2023 11:31

Tell him it's that or no sex ever again.

HowIsItAugustAlready · 06/08/2023 11:33

DH thinks IABU & thinks it’s my responsibility to be protected.

That's easy then. Your preferred route to "protect yourself" is chastity.

And with a husband like that I don't imagine it will become too challenging for you to keep it up.

Good luck OP.

Original poster
Farmersswife · 06/08/2023 11:35

NEmama · 06/08/2023 11:30

Well you need to use something or you will get more DC.

Yes definitely I fell pregnant almost immediately once off contraption, I am happy for a 3rd.

OP posts:
Original poster
Farmersswife · 06/08/2023 11:36

ForestGoblin · 06/08/2023 11:31

Tell him it's that or no sex ever again.

I tried no sex for 6 weeks but it affected our marriage quite a bit.

OP posts:
Original poster
Farmersswife · 06/08/2023 11:38

I just wondered if there was a more natural way or maybe I am being naive ? I’ve looked at apps and tracking hormones ect but too worried that it would fail does anyone use anything like this successfully?
ideally I’d like him to get the snip.

OP posts:
TheBeesKnee · 06/08/2023 11:44

We were using the pull out method successfully for 7 years. When we started TTC it took 4 years and two operations to get pregnant because it turns out that DP was basically infertile.

Now that we have our baby we use condoms because I don't want to go on hormonal contraception either.

Does your husband understand how contraception has negatively affected your health - in detail? If he does and he's still nagging you for sex then that's pretty cavalier of him and I'm not sure what to suggest aside from divorce.

Whaleandsnail6 · 06/08/2023 11:47

Your oh is being ridiculous. If he doesnt want the snip and you dont want hormonal contraceptives then the only reliable option left other than no sex is condoms.

Un7breakable · 06/08/2023 11:47

There is the fertility awareness method but it's not 100% and you have to be religious about tracking. Your DP would need to understand that's it's not as reliable as a condom.

MrReflection · 06/08/2023 11:47

As a man, I wouldn't have wanted the snip at 37. You've also said in there that further DCs aren't out of the question.

I hate wrapping it up, as you put it, but I'm afraid there are times when there is little option, or I don't partake in certain things. That doesn't for one minute stop me being intimate with my partner though. It just sets some boundaries, even in the heat of the moment.

The thing that really stands out for me as a responsible adult is the last line of your first post. It is not your responsibility - it is the responsibility of both of you and your DH is being unreasonable in my view.

Original poster
Farmersswife · 06/08/2023 11:48

TheBeesKnee · 06/08/2023 11:44

We were using the pull out method successfully for 7 years. When we started TTC it took 4 years and two operations to get pregnant because it turns out that DP was basically infertile.

Now that we have our baby we use condoms because I don't want to go on hormonal contraception either.

Does your husband understand how contraception has negatively affected your health - in detail? If he does and he's still nagging you for sex then that's pretty cavalier of him and I'm not sure what to suggest aside from divorce.

Sorry to hear about your difficulties, happy you finally have a bundle of joy. We are using pull out method but it isn’t always 100% & im not happy about it. He won’t really talk about it it’s just a flat no from him. We are going food shopping later so I’m going to suggest he put some in the trolley & go from there I think!

OP posts:
Original poster
Farmersswife · 06/08/2023 11:50

Whaleandsnail6 · 06/08/2023 11:47

Your oh is being ridiculous. If he doesnt want the snip and you dont want hormonal contraceptives then the only reliable option left other than no sex is condoms.

I’ve said this I have no issues with condoms & they are made these days to be great so I don’t see why he’s moaning! We are going food shopping later & I’m going to suggest he picks some & see how he responds & go from there if it’s still a no I’m going cold turkey and he can like it or lump it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Farmersswife · 06/08/2023 11:53

MrReflection · 06/08/2023 11:47

As a man, I wouldn't have wanted the snip at 37. You've also said in there that further DCs aren't out of the question.

I hate wrapping it up, as you put it, but I'm afraid there are times when there is little option, or I don't partake in certain things. That doesn't for one minute stop me being intimate with my partner though. It just sets some boundaries, even in the heat of the moment.

The thing that really stands out for me as a responsible adult is the last line of your first post. It is not your responsibility - it is the responsibility of both of you and your DH is being unreasonable in my view.

Thank you, really interesting from a man’s point of view! He has 2 DC from a previous relationship & he isn’t keen on anymore we have 2DC. I am open to a 3rd but realistically it’s not a good idea 2nd DC took quite a hit on our marriage I think a 3rd would finish us off.

when I bring it up during he says it puts him off? I’m going to suggest he chooses some condoms when we go shopping?

Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Farmersswife · 06/08/2023 11:54

Un7breakable · 06/08/2023 11:47

There is the fertility awareness method but it's not 100% and you have to be religious about tracking. Your DP would need to understand that's it's not as reliable as a condom.

Thanks I’ve not looked into this. I will have a look.

OP posts:
StripyHorse · 06/08/2023 11:56

Your DH is BU.

He's happy for you to either have hormonal contraception despite the health risks or the coil which you found painful, but he won't put a condom on? He will have to put up with not having sex then won't he?!

Didimum · 06/08/2023 11:59

“DH thinks IABU & thinks it’s my responsibility to be protected.”

I’m not sure how you could respect any man who had this opinion.

WhateverMate · 06/08/2023 12:02

Farmersswife · 06/08/2023 11:36

I tried no sex for 6 weeks but it affected our marriage quite a bit.

Show quote history

No, HE affected your marriage quite a bit.

MrReflection · 06/08/2023 12:02

Farmersswife · 06/08/2023 11:53

Thank you, really interesting from a man’s point of view! He has 2 DC from a previous relationship & he isn’t keen on anymore we have 2DC. I am open to a 3rd but realistically it’s not a good idea 2nd DC took quite a hit on our marriage I think a 3rd would finish us off.

when I bring it up during he says it puts him off? I’m going to suggest he chooses some condoms when we go shopping?

Thank you

Show quote history

If it "puts him off" then that is actually more worrying in my view. Is it all about that single penetrative act?

As I said, I don't like it, but it's never been a barrier, pardon the pun, if I've needed to do it.

Peony654 · 06/08/2023 12:03

Your husband is being unreasonable. You’ve gone through pregnancy and childbirth twice. Natural tracking or pull out are not as reliable as the pill etc, I wouldn’t use them unless you would genuinely be happy with a third, especially as it sounds like you are very fertile.

Peony654 · 06/08/2023 12:03

Didimum · 06/08/2023 11:59

“DH thinks IABU & thinks it’s my responsibility to be protected.”

I’m not sure how you could respect any man who had this opinion.

Agreed, this attitude is appalling

rwalker · 06/08/2023 12:04

Farmersswife · 06/08/2023 11:50

I’ve said this I have no issues with condoms & they are made these days to be great so I don’t see why he’s moaning! We are going food shopping later & I’m going to suggest he picks some & see how he responds & go from there if it’s still a no I’m going cold turkey and he can like it or lump it.

Show quote history

Not really helpful but as a man I’ve tried a few different condoms and including the invisible and thin ones there an almighty difference in pleasure and sensation between condoms and no condom
I think being completely dismissive about that might not be helpful

MrReflection · 06/08/2023 12:33

rwalker · 06/08/2023 12:04

Not really helpful but as a man I’ve tried a few different condoms and including the invisible and thin ones there an almighty difference in pleasure and sensation between condoms and no condom
I think being completely dismissive about that might not be helpful

Show quote history

I agree with you - the sensations are hugely different.

But I don't share the same view of yours about the dismissive bit and not being helpful.

Sounds to me like OPs DH wants his cake, eat it and forget the other person's needs. That's selfish, in what is meant to be a partnership.

Didimum · 06/08/2023 12:39

rwalker · 06/08/2023 12:04

Not really helpful but as a man I’ve tried a few different condoms and including the invisible and thin ones there an almighty difference in pleasure and sensation between condoms and no condom
I think being completely dismissive about that might not be helpful

Show quote history

Except that OP has previously had a long stint on hormonal contraception which caused her pain and isn’t suitable for her family medical history. Time for her DH to make up the mantle for a while when the only complaint is ‘sensation’. I’m sure the OP’s sensation of pelvic and cervical pain weren’t ideal either.

DinoRoar14 · 06/08/2023 12:41

When he's nagging you fit sex ask him why he thinks it's OK to coerce you into sex you are not consenting to?

ScentlessAprentice · 06/08/2023 12:46

Didimum · 06/08/2023 11:59

“DH thinks IABU & thinks it’s my responsibility to be protected.”

I’m not sure how you could respect any man who had this opinion.

Couldn't agree more with this. What a fucking shithead. I couldn't have lunch with him, never mind sex.