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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH hid cigarettes

37 replies

Emotionalmama · 06/08/2023 07:16

So me and DH have married 6 months. We started trying for a baby 14 months ago and we now have a perfect 9 week old baby boy.

when I was trying to get pregnant (took 4 months), after 3 months nothing had happened so I rang the doctor. She said that if my DH smoked that stopping that would increase our chances; so he did.

he then starting vaping because he didn’t want me to inhale secondary smoke when I was pregnant and I was really thankful for this.

I also have said to the midwives etc when they ask me if either of us smoke that we don’t and she said good because it increases chance of SIDS for the baby.

however….I found cigarette tips in my husbands car a few weeks back and when he came back from the shop another day I found them in the shopping bag. I asked him about this and he said ah he hasn’t cleaned his car out in forever (which is true) and they were from over a year ago and that the ones I found in the bag, were bought out of habit.

he has since cleared out his car but I noticed he still didn’t want me near it and often has his keys on his person.

this morning I was cleaning this house after baby fed and had to run out to the car. Long and behold, there’s cigarettes in the middle compartment as well as receipts so I know they were bought recently. All from a man who swore on our child’s life that he wasn’t smoking.

i didn’t want to argue with his two kids staying over so I just took the cigarettes and put them on my pillow so he’ll see them when he wakes up. I have taken our son out for the day and I’ve text him to tell him why.

for context - every single man in my life has hurt me either emotionally, sexually,
physically or mentally and I feel heart broken and stupid for believing he’d be any different.

AIBU?

OP posts:
heldinadream · 06/08/2023 07:21

You are overreacting somewhat: he's not trying to hurt you, he's hiding it from you because he's ashamed of the fact he's in the grip of an addiction that he can't control.
If you show him sympathy and support to get help quitting this will go better OP.
I do understand why you're upset, but you could choose to believe better of him. He is not all those past men.

ZekeZeke · 06/08/2023 07:22

Bit passive aggressive leaving the cigarettes on the pillow and leaving.
Giving up smoking is one of the hardest things ever.
He will only quit when he wants to.
He was silly to lie, he probably did it to shut you up.
You got together with him when he was a smoker.
I personally wouldn't allow smoking indoors or in the car but outside, would be a compromise.

MiddleParking · 06/08/2023 07:27

Giving up smoking is one of the hardest things ever.

Ooh, I dunno. I bet getting divorced for being a complete liar is up there. Suspect having a baby die from SIDS probably wouldn’t be a great time either.

Willyoubuymeahouseofgold · 06/08/2023 07:27

Get a grip. He's smoking ,and while that's not ideal health wise, he is a grown man.
You are being ridiculous. The plan and choice to stop smoking will have to come from him when he's ready. That's not yet. You need to talk like a grown up. Calm down.

littleblackcat27 · 06/08/2023 07:28

He's addicted to cigarettes.

You sound a bit deranged - maybe not enough sleep with the new baby?

MiddleParking · 06/08/2023 07:28

Willyoubuymeahouseofgold · 06/08/2023 07:27

Get a grip. He's smoking ,and while that's not ideal health wise, he is a grown man.
You are being ridiculous. The plan and choice to stop smoking will have to come from him when he's ready. That's not yet. You need to talk like a grown up. Calm down.

Their 9 week old is therefore also smoking, and is presumably not a grown man.

littleblackcat27 · 06/08/2023 07:30

Their 9 week old is therefore also smoking, and is presumably not a grown man

How is the baby smoking??

RiverWye · 06/08/2023 07:30

I smoked when DH and I met - he hates smoking and said it's usually a deal breaker but he really liked me.

I told him I wanted to quit, which was true, but I would do it when I was ready. He said on that basis, we'd keep seeing each other.

He never complained, never bought it up, or ever said another comment about it.

The fact he never me feel crap or put any pressure on me really helped and a year later, I decided to quit. That was 13 years ago and I've never smoked since.

I know he's lied to you and that hurts but it is such a difficult habit, could you sit down and see if he actually wants to quit yet?

MiddleParking · 06/08/2023 07:31

littleblackcat27 · 06/08/2023 07:28

He's addicted to cigarettes.

You sound a bit deranged - maybe not enough sleep with the new baby?

You sound like an arsehole. Imagine saying that to an upset mum of a 9 week old.

Popsicle42 · 06/08/2023 07:31

If you’ve never smelt it on him then it’s clearly not happening often or anywhere near your home. That means the risk of harm of him smoking to your baby is negligible. He shouldn’t have lied about it, but given your reaction, I do understand why he didn’t want to tell you.

MiddleParking · 06/08/2023 07:31

littleblackcat27 · 06/08/2023 07:30

Their 9 week old is therefore also smoking, and is presumably not a grown man

How is the baby smoking??

Oh dear.

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 06/08/2023 07:32

I'll admit, swearing on his child's life about it wasn't on, though I have a feeling you have backed him so far into a corner that you have no choice.

Unless he is literally blowing smoke up his child's nose, you have absolutely no right to controllingly dictate to him that he cannot buy himself cigarettes and that he cannot smoke. He's clearly not doing it in front of you, so what is the issue?

I have been a smoker myself, I'm currently not, but I have no doubt I will fall off the slippery slope again in life. Fucking leave the man alone. The more you whinge, the less likely he is to do it. I'd need a cigarette if I had someone like you breathing down my neck and checking my vehicle. He isn't a teenager and you aren't his mum.

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 06/08/2023 07:32

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 06/08/2023 07:32

I'll admit, swearing on his child's life about it wasn't on, though I have a feeling you have backed him so far into a corner that you have no choice.

Unless he is literally blowing smoke up his child's nose, you have absolutely no right to controllingly dictate to him that he cannot buy himself cigarettes and that he cannot smoke. He's clearly not doing it in front of you, so what is the issue?

I have been a smoker myself, I'm currently not, but I have no doubt I will fall off the slippery slope again in life. Fucking leave the man alone. The more you whinge, the less likely he is to do it. I'd need a cigarette if I had someone like you breathing down my neck and checking my vehicle. He isn't a teenager and you aren't his mum.

That you have no choice should say that he felt that he had no choice.

slashlover · 06/08/2023 07:33

You called the doctor after 3 MONTHS of trying?

rwalker · 06/08/2023 07:38

I think it’s completely unrealistic to expect someone to be able to instantly give up smoking
it can take many attempts it’s an addiction

Shoxfordian · 06/08/2023 07:39

Have a chat with him about it; not ideal that he lied to you though

Original poster
Emotionalmama · 06/08/2023 07:43

I’ve offered to help him. I have broke a cycle of abuse from my family and have completely changed my life around. I think it’s a little harder to break generations of abuse than give up smoking and I did. He’s told me before the only reason he’d ever leave me is cheating and/or lies. He set the bar; not me. I don’t care about the smoking it’s the fact he lied and he told me stopped, I never actually asked him to stop because he said he wanted to be around for me and the baby for as long as possible and that HE was afraid of SIDS because his sister died from it.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 06/08/2023 07:46

He isn’t smoking near you or more importantly the baby. It may not be ideal but your response seems over the top.

RampantIvy · 06/08/2023 07:49

I'm sorry you have had some harsh replies - typically from smokers I notice.
The fact that he lied is not on. And no, you are being controlling. Only a defensive smoker would say that.

RiverWye · 06/08/2023 07:50

RampantIvy · 06/08/2023 07:49

I'm sorry you have had some harsh replies - typically from smokers I notice.
The fact that he lied is not on. And no, you are being controlling. Only a defensive smoker would say that.

It sounds like he felt he had no choice but to lie.

OP sounds a bit intense and leaving the cigarettes on the pillow was childish and passive aggressive.

Sirzy · 06/08/2023 07:52

RampantIvy · 06/08/2023 07:49

I'm sorry you have had some harsh replies - typically from smokers I notice.
The fact that he lied is not on. And no, you are being controlling. Only a defensive smoker would say that.

I have never smoked. I am no fan of smoking.

but the Op knew he was a smoker. Yes him hiding the fact he is still smoking isn’t ideal but the way the OP has responded does also indicate why he may have decided that was easier.

MillicentBystandr · 06/08/2023 07:57

I too think you are over-reacting, he likely did stop for awhile but has slowly slipped back into smoking. It can’t be much smoking and has to be a recent relapse otherwise you’d have noticed it in his clothes/breath/hair/car months ago.

He hid it from you because he’s ashamed that he has gone back to smoking and afraid of your reaction. Your reaction shows that he had cause to be afraid.

I think the thing to do is to reassure him, have a bit of sympathy and see what can be done to get him on a smoking cessation program. In the meantime, smoking while away from home is the best way to protect the baby.

runningonberocca · 06/08/2023 08:27

I’m not a smoker but stop policing the man! You’re not his mother and he’s not a 14 yr old kid. He isn’t smoking around you and the baby - and all those people saying that it means the baby is smoking too - absolute nonsense. In that case your baby is smoking if Bob 3 streets over is a smoker!
He isn’t smoking in the vicinity of you or baby. He tried to stop , he relapsed, he will probably try again. Cigarettes are incredibly addictive.
You chose him as a life partner knowing he smoked - stop searching his property. It’s controlling . What if he was giving you grief about your weight?And he was searching your car and coat for hidden chocolate bars and leaving the wrappers on your pillow to shame you?
Same thing, just different addictive substance

KittensandPerverts · 06/08/2023 08:31

MiddleParking · 06/08/2023 07:27

Giving up smoking is one of the hardest things ever.

Ooh, I dunno. I bet getting divorced for being a complete liar is up there. Suspect having a baby die from SIDS probably wouldn’t be a great time either.

Classic MN!

Time to LTB and activate the duck protocol.

ZekeZeke · 06/08/2023 08:37

ZekeZeke · 06/08/2023 07:22

Bit passive aggressive leaving the cigarettes on the pillow and leaving.
Giving up smoking is one of the hardest things ever.
He will only quit when he wants to.
He was silly to lie, he probably did it to shut you up.
You got together with him when he was a smoker.
I personally wouldn't allow smoking indoors or in the car but outside, would be a compromise.

I haven't smoked in 25 years

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