DH hid cigarettes

[Emotionalmama]

So me and DH have married 6 months. We started trying for a baby 14 months ago and we now have a perfect 9 week old baby boy.

when I was trying to get pregnant (took 4 months), after 3 months nothing had happened so I rang the doctor. She said that if my DH smoked that stopping that would increase our chances; so he did.

he then starting vaping because he didn’t want me to inhale secondary smoke when I was pregnant and I was really thankful for this.

I also have said to the midwives etc when they ask me if either of us smoke that we don’t and she said good because it increases chance of SIDS for the baby.

however….I found cigarette tips in my husbands car a few weeks back and when he came back from the shop another day I found them in the shopping bag. I asked him about this and he said ah he hasn’t cleaned his car out in forever (which is true) and they were from over a year ago and that the ones I found in the bag, were bought out of habit.

he has since cleared out his car but I noticed he still didn’t want me near it and often has his keys on his person.

this morning I was cleaning this house after baby fed and had to run out to the car. Long and behold, there’s cigarettes in the middle compartment as well as receipts so I know they were bought recently. All from a man who swore on our child’s life that he wasn’t smoking.

i didn’t want to argue with his two kids staying over so I just took the cigarettes and put them on my pillow so he’ll see them when he wakes up. I have taken our son out for the day and I’ve text him to tell him why.

for context - every single man in my life has hurt me either emotionally, sexually,
physically or mentally and I feel heart broken and stupid for believing he’d be any different.

AIBU?

Do you think research on second hand smoke and SIDS is made up to demonstrate how comparably uncool the authors are?

If OP had posted that she kept falling asleep on the sofa holding said nine week old, she would rightly be told that, however hard it is, she has to stop doing that immediately.

No. I don't think that the husband having a cigarette outside will cause any babies to die.

So much drama!!! The SIDs risk is re 2nd hand smoke. Not because one parents occasionally secret smokes in his car!!!

You are being dramatic, it is not about you

He is a grown up and can smoke if he wants

He's not hurting you. You might be hurt but he has not set out to hurt you. As much as you are angry about this, it's not your call. You are not his mum.

He likely wholeheartedly meant it when he said he'd give up...but clearly it hasn't been as easy to do as either of you thought. He lied to avoid having to discuss it. Didn't want the lecture. Already knows what he has to do.

Your reaction seems rather grave and dramatic to me. He hasn't betrayed you. To lump him in with toxic abusers seems disproportionate.

I'm a contrary bastard and if I saw the packet perched accusingly on the pillow I'd say, "Thanks for bringing my fags in."

We'd fall out wouldn't we?

Op i get what you're saying, it's not the actual smoking that's the problem but the lying about it. He shouldn't be lying but as lies go its not a major thing but you also need to take a look at why he felt that he needed to lie? You have made major changes to yourself and your life but you can't pressure someone into making changes to themselves because they have to WANT to do it for themselves. You both need to sit and have an honest conversation about expectations and go from there.

Just wanted to add that when dealing with an addiction as powerful as smoking, often wanting to change also isn’t enough by itself to effect lasting change (quitting with no relapses). Wanting to change is essential, but you often need more- therapy, support, medication

Of course he chose to lie. No one forced him to do so. He could have said I want to stop but I'm finding it hard, can you help me? OP could have suggested the Nicolette patches or gum or those instants a smoker is supposed to take if they feel a weak moment. Lying on your baby's life is a disgusting thing to do. He should be ashamed of himself and apologise to OP. I couldn't live with a smoker. I'm asthmatic and smoke triggers my asthma. OP would he agree to try the Nicolette patches or gum? If he agreed I'd give him another chance but if not he'd have to go.

Hard as in it takes a lot of willpower, not that it's hard to go through.
Difficult is a better word.