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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think BIL is being a CF?

36 replies

Bumblerina · 05/08/2023 21:56

I'm aware as I'm typing this that this is a very minor issue in the grand scheme of things. It may be tiredness talking but I'm just really frustrated with BIL

DD(5) used to stay at MILs house quite regularly to give us a bit of a break when she was little as I have health issues, but this stopped about 2 years ago. She has been begging to stay again ever since but it never worked out. Now DD is in school there isn't really a practical time that she can stay with MIL during term time, but MIL promised months ago that DD could stay one night in mid August as she has a week off of work. So DD has been really excited for weeks about this. I've also been looking forward to it in all honesty as I've recently lost a family member very suddenly and I'm exhausted so could really use the rest.

Today we went to MILs for dinner and she said that BIL(23) has said that he doesn't want DD to stay as he stays up playing video games and on call to his friends all night (usually shouting and swearing) and he will likely wake her as she would be in the next room. I can't help but be annoyed by this as surely the logical answer is don't stay up all night shouting? It's not as if DD is going to be staying again any time soon and surely he could go one night? Neither me or DH can ask BIL about this as he actively refuses to be in the same room as us due to a falling out he had with SIL around 8 months ago.

MIL has said she is happy to have DD for the day, but she will have to bring back DD at bedtime. Am I being unreasonable or is BILs excuse as pathetic as I think it is.

OP posts:
Treesandrivers · 05/08/2023 21:58

Have you told MIL how much DD has been looking forward to it?

Original poster
Bumblerina · 05/08/2023 22:01

Treesandrivers · 05/08/2023 21:58

Have you told MIL how much DD has been looking forward to it?

Yes, but I didn't need to as DD hasn't stopped going on about it. We see MIL often and DD will talk about how excited she is every time.

OP posts:
phoenixrosehere · 05/08/2023 22:04

BIL is being ridiculous but so is MIL for allowing it. It’s one night, not a week and he could easily make other plans for that one night.

TeaKitten · 05/08/2023 22:07

BIL and MIL are both being unreasonable. He’s not a CF though, it’s his home. Your MIL shouldn’t be allowing his crap though.

FOJN · 05/08/2023 22:07

It's a MIL problem, not a BIL problem. Presumably he's living in her house and she is tolerating him staying up shouting and swearing all night and dictating whether she can have overnight guests.

She needs to tell him your DD is staying and he needs to go and shout and swear elsewhere for the night.

Original poster
Bumblerina · 05/08/2023 22:17

FOJN · 05/08/2023 22:07

It's a MIL problem, not a BIL problem. Presumably he's living in her house and she is tolerating him staying up shouting and swearing all night and dictating whether she can have overnight guests.

She needs to tell him your DD is staying and he needs to go and shout and swear elsewhere for the night.

Well yes, that's pretty much it. He has walked all over her for years and he is really vile to her at times. DH has tried to talk to her about it and encouraged her to put her foot down (she very recently finally told him he had to get a job as she wasn't buying him his luxuries anymore) but she very rarely stands up to him and even if she does he will wear her down within a few days.

DH did say to her that he needs to grow up, it's one night and that DD shouldn't have to miss out. But MIL just apologised and said it wouldn't work.

OP posts:
Bellyblueboy · 05/08/2023 22:18

So a grown man can’t stop telling a swearing in his mothers home for one night to allow his niece to stay there?

what a horrible immature man child. Your poor MIL.

nothing you can do though. It’s up to your MIL to set rules for acceptable behaviour is her home. Sounds awful though - living with him must be dreadful.

YouveGotAFastCar · 05/08/2023 22:21

BIL sounds like a knob - but I suppose he wasn’t going to put himself out to allow DD to stay; given he sounds like an arse in general, and he’s an arse that’s not talking to you and therefore won’t have any inclination to help you.

And MIL is either using that as a bit of a convenient excuse not to have DD there, because she’s scared of looking after her with BIL around or she doesn’t feel up to it; or she’s a bit of an arse, too. She could put her foot down if she wanted to.

I think I’d explain that MIL can’t have her and plan something exciting with her instead; but if you want a rest, that might not work for you.

Changeforachange · 05/08/2023 22:25

I feel sorry for the MIL - sounds like she's walking on eggshells & being bullied in her own home.

I'm sure she'd much rather be spending time with her GD than listening to a grown man shoot baddies all night.

TeaKitten · 05/08/2023 22:30

Any chance she’d babysit DD at your house one night and you and DH have a night out and stay in a hotel? That way you get your break, MIL gets a break from BIL and DD gets her night with MIL.

anon1888 · 05/08/2023 22:31

Yeah, MIL should be telling him to get a grip of himself.

Imagine being happy with upsetting a little child because a 23 year old can't manage his own behaviour,

I feel so sorry for your DD. Her grandmother should cherish her time with her.

andweallsingalong · 05/08/2023 22:43

TeaKitten · 05/08/2023 22:30

Any chance she’d babysit DD at your house one night and you and DH have a night out and stay in a hotel? That way you get your break, MIL gets a break from BIL and DD gets her night with MIL.

This or could they go away for a weekend break? Really not okay to promise, then let her down.

I'd be looking for imaginative ways to make it work.

FrangipaniBlue · 05/08/2023 22:47

Why is your DH telling your MIL what to do and not? He needs to speak to his brother!

If that was one of my BILs treating my PIL like that DH would be having very stern words with HIM and telling him to sort himself out .....

Original poster
Bumblerina · 05/08/2023 23:04

FrangipaniBlue · 05/08/2023 22:47

Why is your DH telling your MIL what to do and not? He needs to speak to his brother!

If that was one of my BILs treating my PIL like that DH would be having very stern words with HIM and telling him to sort himself out .....

He's tried in the past, but there isn't much he can do anymore when BIL refuses to be in the same room as us and will lock himself in his bedroom for the entire time when we visit. He doesn't tell MIL what to do, but does encourage her to stand up for herself when she describes how BIL is blatantly walking all over her.

And as for if she would stay at ours to look after DD, it might be a possibility but I know she is reluctant to leave BIL with the dog. I'll speak to DH about it though as it could solve the issue

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 05/08/2023 23:04

You won't win, she's browbeaten down by her son who's going to make her life harder if she conceeds, and will ruin your daughters sleep over to make a point.

Can you suggest Nan has her at hers? If you see her frequently tho i assume she lives close so why are other weekends out? Or any other day in the holiday around work?

andweallsingalong · 05/08/2023 23:11

If DB is such an emotionally abusive arse would you really want DD at hers without you there? Witnessing DV is so damaging for kids. If he's locked in his room when you're there you have no idea what he is usually like.

notahappybunny7 · 05/08/2023 23:22

Why would you even want your child under the same roof as him?

Ellie1015 · 05/08/2023 23:31

It is disappointing for dd and bil is very unreasonable.

Mil has let dd down but it sounds like she is having a hard time and has to choose her battles with him. I would be encouraging her to set boundaries to make her own life better and get bil living elsewhere not for a sleepover. I am sure she is upset to let dd down.

AngelAurora · 05/08/2023 23:39

Yes your BIL is pathetic and about time he grew up.

Someoneonlyyouknow · 05/08/2023 23:48

I feel really sorry for MiL. BiL sounds like a waste of space but DH's only advice is that she should stand up to him. If you can't offer her any practical help then you don't really have the right to dictate what happens in her home.

Perhaps she could babysit at your home and stay over (bring the dog?)
Could DD sleep in with MiL and be further from the shouting/swearing - less than ideal being in the same house as BiL but I imagine he won't be up very early in the morning.

RhymesWithTangerine · 05/08/2023 23:56

YANBU. The fault is with MIL

She should never have let DD get so excited as to be disappointed. But ultimately, you/DH will need to be clear with her that she is compromising her relationship with all of you by indulging BIL.

Why isn’t your DH more pissed off?

DandelionLeaves · 06/08/2023 00:05

I would feel sorry for your MIL, but she presumably had a hand in how BIL turned out and could certainly stand up to him with your husband to back her up. I'd tell her plainly that DD deserves better.

NoSquirrels · 06/08/2023 00:10

Your 5-year-old DD comes second to both her grandmother’s son and her dog.

It’s a proper shame for your DD, but there it is. Your MIL can’t/won’t prioritise her GD.

Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 06/08/2023 00:11

I would cancel it all and tell MIL you don’t want to impose as she already has a baby to look after. Then I would just focus on another relationship with DD, possibly another grand parent. You can’t stop mil from babying her idiot son, but you can walk away from the situation.

Testina · 06/08/2023 00:36

Your BIL is an arsehole and your MIL is pathetic.

I don’t understand why your daughter hasn’t stayed there in 2 years though? If everyone liked it so much? Sounds like she’s local. What was wrong with a weekend night? Or if MIL works weekends, a midweek with MIL taking her to school on her day off. It doesn’t sound like you were that bothered about her going.

Why are you so exhausted and needing a break from her when she has a father?

This whole thing is odd.