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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate how awesome women put up with mad nonsense from horrible sleazy men

42 replies

ForestGoblin · 05/08/2023 20:09

My best friend is an awesome woman. I'm biased but seriously in every way. You would love her. But she has shit self esteem and always has and she's always putting up with crap from friends and family and partners because she doesn't think she deserves any better. Like, if she stands up for herself, everyone will leave.

She thinks she's in love with this dickhead man who treats her appallingly in almost every way you can think of. Lets her down at the last minute. Never buys dinner or drinks (despite a very good salary). Pressures her into sex stuff she really doesn't want to do and could seriously embarrass her professional rep if it got out or turned vitriolic (think inclusion of a third party).

I. Fucking. Hate. Him. He's a smirking goon. Thinks because he's tall and was hot twenty years ago he can treat women like crap on his shoe and gets huffy if she asks for the slightest consideration. Turns it all around on her. There's no way he isn't cheating on her. She knows this and just endures it.

I want to shake her so hard. Why is she wasting her life on this total turd of a man. Why do so many brilliant women do this!

If you are a woman like this please stop it is hurting my tummy to think about. You deserve a good and loving life.

OP posts:
blondieminx · 05/08/2023 20:10

YANBU.

so many low grade, entitled men. Ugh.

WeetabixTowels · 05/08/2023 20:11

I have had friends like this and it’s unbearable to watch them simper to arseholes who aren’t fit to shine their shoes. Sadly self esteem comes with time, age and learning from fucking up so there’s little you can do except be there for her when it goes tits up

Merryoldgoat · 05/08/2023 20:13

Hard agree.

Original poster
ForestGoblin · 05/08/2023 20:23

I think he thinks he's a good person. I want to punch him right on his fat sex offender vibes nose. She doesn't think she's being mistreated sexually but she fucking is.

OP posts:
MissRoo1982 · 05/08/2023 20:27

I also have a hard time wondering why women do this. I’ve literally tried to analyse it -also having experienced some of this years ago. I think it must be because in 2023 we are still programmed to believe we need a man. And we are failures without them. There is still so much emphasis on families and marriage being better and normal.

I read online a few months ago about childfree/ single people possibly being taxed more than families for being childfree and thought what???!!! Taxed more for not being married! Luckily don’t think it will ever happen as it would be too controversial - but it shows you what some people still value.

Until people really start advocating for different life paths on a global level outside marriage and children and celebrating all achievements it won’t change. You’d need an entire change of mindset.

Original poster
ForestGoblin · 05/08/2023 21:21

She's not young, sadly (she was when they met). I think having him in her life has ruined it.

She said to me recently "there just aren't any good men!"

I mean, no one is perfect but DON'T WASTE YOUR CAREERBUILDING AND FERTILE YEARS ON A CUNT.

It's like a really depressing Marian Keyes.

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CatsSnore · 05/08/2023 21:27

I agree OP. I don't have one friend in a relationship that I'd put up with.

Original poster
ForestGoblin · 05/08/2023 21:33

CatsSnore · 05/08/2023 21:27

I agree OP. I don't have one friend in a relationship that I'd put up with.

My female friends are definitely much cooler than their partners, on the whole, for sure.

But there still should be a limit. Women should not betray themselves for men who treat them like objects. This guy makes me understand how atrocities like the Yugoslavian rape camps could happen. He doesn't see women as people at all.

Why can't women grow up to prioritise themselves and their friendships.

OP posts:
Original poster
ForestGoblin · 05/08/2023 21:34

We don't even need men to have children any more. We could just live our own lives together, loving and supporting each other. Why don't we use men for the sex we like then send them packing. Barbieland style.

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Deathbyfluffy · 05/08/2023 21:36

ForestGoblin · 05/08/2023 21:34

We don't even need men to have children any more. We could just live our own lives together, loving and supporting each other. Why don't we use men for the sex we like then send them packing. Barbieland style.

Because not all men are like that - I wouldn’t dream of doing the things this man appears to be doing.

I’ve been cheated on in the past, but I let it go - because I know not every woman is like that.

Original poster
ForestGoblin · 05/08/2023 21:37

Deathbyfluffy · 05/08/2023 21:36

Because not all men are like that - I wouldn’t dream of doing the things this man appears to be doing.

I’ve been cheated on in the past, but I let it go - because I know not every woman is like that.

Show quote history

No I know I know. And actually my husband isn't like that - I don't include all men and shouldn't have given that impression. But a lot of men are fucking awful and women don't need to put up with it so why are we apparent designed to try???

OP posts:
Calistano · 05/08/2023 21:37

Agree, can't read the horrible tales people on here tell anymore. It actually makes me feel fond feelings for my ex, he was a bit of a git, but nothing like as bad as most.

EVHead · 05/08/2023 21:39

I’ve been wondering why the man in a couple will say hello to me when I say hello when I’m out on a dog walk, but rarely the woman.

Is it because she views him as speaking for them both? If so - fuck that. Get some backbone and be your own person, woman!

So YANBU - I totally agree with you!

Original poster
ForestGoblin · 05/08/2023 21:40

EVHead · 05/08/2023 21:39

I’ve been wondering why the man in a couple will say hello to me when I say hello when I’m out on a dog walk, but rarely the woman.

Is it because she views him as speaking for them both? If so - fuck that. Get some backbone and be your own person, woman!

So YANBU - I totally agree with you!

Oh... If that's me maybe because she is socially awkward and short sighted. Sorry and hi 😀

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CatsSnore · 05/08/2023 21:42

ForestGoblin · 05/08/2023 21:34

We don't even need men to have children any more. We could just live our own lives together, loving and supporting each other. Why don't we use men for the sex we like then send them packing. Barbieland style.

I'd love to do that but I've never figured out how to have sex with someone I fancy but not get attached. I either fancy you and want to go on dates, have a great time, great sex and fall in love, or I don't fancy you and couldn't bring myself to do it even if I objectively thought they were good looking. I've fancied some weird looking men in my time.

I have now realised I'm only really attracted to men that aren't attracted to me and there's usually an issue that makes them not good for me. I have no desire in the absolute slightest to be in a bad relationship again and I've finally become happy single. That's it for me now and tbh I can't see it changing. I don't think there are nice, kind, unselfish, funny, charismatic, non cheating, clever men out there that I will ever fall for.

Original poster
ForestGoblin · 05/08/2023 21:44

Also, if you are a woman currently putting up with a guy who bullies you to do things you don't want to do and tricks you into thinking it's normal and without saying it makes you think his attention his based on your willingness to please him in bed in ways that you find uncomfortable.

Please.

Stop.

You will find someone good. Love yourself so others can too.

OP posts:
Original poster
ForestGoblin · 05/08/2023 21:46

CatsSnore · 05/08/2023 21:42

I'd love to do that but I've never figured out how to have sex with someone I fancy but not get attached. I either fancy you and want to go on dates, have a great time, great sex and fall in love, or I don't fancy you and couldn't bring myself to do it even if I objectively thought they were good looking. I've fancied some weird looking men in my time.

I have now realised I'm only really attracted to men that aren't attracted to me and there's usually an issue that makes them not good for me. I have no desire in the absolute slightest to be in a bad relationship again and I've finally become happy single. That's it for me now and tbh I can't see it changing. I don't think there are nice, kind, unselfish, funny, charismatic, non cheating, clever men out there that I will ever fall for.

Show quote history

Yeah this is a disadvantage for a lot of women i think.

OP posts:
AHugeTinyMistake · 05/08/2023 22:04

I'm with you OP.

Went to see a friend last night who dumped the guy she was seeing. Previously in relationships she would make excuses, talk herself into thinking it's not that bad, let him turn things around on her

He's told white lies, bit of drama, says one thing does another. Nothing massive. But she's seen the flags and thought hang on this is him on best behaviour and it's not great.

I am SO PROUD OF HER!

The other friend that came over has been with this total loser for 8 years. He doesn't really work, he shags other women, lets her pay the bills and feels entitled to it. She's 37 and wants a family. This guy won't commit but she can't seem to get rid of him. He keeps her dangling, she never feels secure and clings on more. I hope one day she'll realise he's not all that.

TrishM80 · 05/08/2023 22:12

Unfortunately your friend is one of the many women who are sexually attracted to men who treat them like shit.

I'd need to be Sigmund fucking Freud to understand it, maybe it goes back to caveman times when the man would club the woman over the head and drag her around by the hair!

JonahAndTheSnail · 05/08/2023 22:24

The bar for men is shockingly low and society continues to push the bar that little bit lower as time goes on. Women are now expected to be the default caregiver to children and look after the house AND go to work fultime. Make it make sense!

RamblingRosina · 05/08/2023 22:30

Women mistake lust for love, lust takes where as love gives.

Original poster
ForestGoblin · 05/08/2023 22:36

Yes, and if they just debase themselves a little more he'll finally change and love them back.

OP posts:
userxx · 05/08/2023 22:44

Tragic isn't it, amazing women who can't see their own fabulousnesses so will tolerate nonsense from men who quite frankly are punching and should be kisses their arses. Yep, I've got one of those friends too.

WitheringTights000 · 05/08/2023 23:02

I have found myself sexually attracted to men who treat me like shit. I have no idea why!

its never going to end in a happy long term relationship that’s for sure.

Original poster
ForestGoblin · 05/08/2023 23:09

It's upsetting to think of the women around the world who are used for sex in awful ways and somehow even when we have full choice to keep ourselves safe and independent it seems so hard to do. Bloody semi-voluntary comfort women.

OP posts: