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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband being random

37 replies

Leeanne922 · 05/08/2023 15:38

Am I being unreasonable here but I find really annoying my husband habits of when I expect him to be in the house (having young kids in the house) to stay in the house/back garden/front garden and if he needs to visit a neighbour or talk to a neighbour to let me know so I know that I need to keep eye on everyone on my own and there is no adult downstairs for example. He says he is a social animal and needs to socialize,i am like fine but let me know,dont just randomly disappear for 30 mins, an hour or 2 hours, its inconsiderate. He was just away for an hour across the road talking to a neighbour,before he went out he told me that he is going to grab something from the car and come back, as I was nursing baby I wanted to nod off for a bit but remembered, I dont know where he is and could not even find him on home security cameras so no nodding off with the little one. When he got back he told me i should have just come outside and looked up the street- uh yes sure I am going to leave kids on their own to look for him,not.

AIBU or not AIBU?

OP posts:
Libelula21 · 05/08/2023 16:00

Does he keep his phone with him, couod you have phoned him?

But yes, if you’re nursing a young baby he shouldn’t be so inattentive to time etc.

Original poster
Leeanne922 · 05/08/2023 16:02

He left his phone at home as he has done before, another thing I have told him at least make sure your phone is with you I can call you if there I an emergency.

OP posts:
QuintessentiallyScottish · 05/08/2023 16:06

His wants come before yours and your children's needs.

INeedAnotherName · 05/08/2023 16:18

You are not unreasonable. He is only thinking of himself and his wants and not factoring in you or his children. If you are nursing the baby why isn't he looking after the other child(ren)? You say they are all young.

TheGreenSketch · 05/08/2023 16:19

A social animal. I bet your neighbours think he’s an absolute pain.

Lavender14 · 05/08/2023 16:25

If he's not communicating with you as co parent then he's a) assuming and taking advantage that you will automatically be there to pick up his slack without bothering to check with you first - that disrespectful in itself and b) he's leaving room for things to get missed, for you both to think the other has the kids and then one of them have an accident unattended and c) creating space for resentment to build which is unhealthy for your relationship. By doing this he's giving the clear message that he doesn't see himself as his children's primary carer and defaults any and all responsibility to you. You're only asking him to communicate his plans, not stopping him from doing what he's planned. He's being highly unreasonable and that would crack me up too. There was a case near us recently where a little boy drowned became both parents thought he was with the other when actually he'd left the house completely. Tragic. Your dh needs to take everyone else's welfare more seriously. When you're nursing you need your partner to pick up the rest to allow you to focus on nursing your baby.

TeeBee · 05/08/2023 16:37

I had one like that. It was one thing in a pattern of selfishness. Now an ex husband. They think they can just wander off and think we'll pick up all the responsibility.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 05/08/2023 16:43

I would let my DP know if I was popping out to the shops or something but if I was just grabbing something from the car and started chatting to a neighbour then no I wouldn't go and tell him first.

SisyphusDad · 05/08/2023 16:45

'I'm a social animal and need to socialise.'

Well he's also a parent and needs to parent!

Original poster
Leeanne922 · 05/08/2023 17:23

INeedAnotherName · 05/08/2023 16:18

You are not unreasonable. He is only thinking of himself and his wants and not factoring in you or his children. If you are nursing the baby why isn't he looking after the other child(ren)? You say they are all young.

I think one of the other posters hit the nail on the head, I do feel like i am the default parent in his eyes. When I think about it i am always looking and keeping up with what all the kids are doing and where they are, if i am not there physically in the same room i check home cameras which room my older children are in.

Today again was, can you just not tell me you pop out for a chat and take your phone with you,all i ask for.

OP posts:
Neverseenbefore · 05/08/2023 17:27

I think it’s fine to pop over and chat to neighbours etc. And if one of you is at home, I don’t see what the problem is Unless to you yourself had gone out and thought the DC were with him -that would be bad. I might expect him to say where he was going, how long for, though. I think you checking the security cameras is very, very odd, though.

rickandmorts · 05/08/2023 17:30

TheGreenSketch · 05/08/2023 16:19

A social animal. I bet your neighbours think he’s an absolute pain.

Omg this. He's the kind of neighbour I would hide from 😂

Original poster
Leeanne922 · 05/08/2023 17:30

Neverseenbefore · 05/08/2023 17:27

I think it’s fine to pop over and chat to neighbours etc. And if one of you is at home, I don’t see what the problem is Unless to you yourself had gone out and thought the DC were with him -that would be bad. I might expect him to say where he was going, how long for, though. I think you checking the security cameras is very, very odd, though.

Why odd, I was looking for my husband and couldn't find him in the house or in the back of front garden or the shed? Whats difference between checking security cameras vs going physically out myself and disturbing my baby who was breastfeeding?

OP posts:
lovenotwar149 · 05/08/2023 17:32

You are NOT being unreasonable at all in my opinion. I would feel exactly the same. I can remember similar such situations i.e. just disappearing etc although mine were not in relation our kids as he wouldn't have left them alone at all due to their safety. If he had 'disappeared' when minding one of our kids...OMG! OMG! That would have been one hell of a juicy row I'm telling u!!

lovenotwar149 · 05/08/2023 17:34

He says he is a social animal and needs to socialize,

Uh uh, there's a time and place for this and its not when young kids need watching

JustaChristian · 05/08/2023 17:34

He has got not a job?

lovenotwar149 · 05/08/2023 17:36

I am wondering if you are in general taking on too much responsibility for your kids , which leaves him free to do as he pleases if u know what I mean.
I made that mistake myself

Jeffjefftyjeff · 05/08/2023 17:37

Are you able to just pop out whenever you fancy without saying anything to anyone? Presume not. Say this to him and get him to explain why this is the case.

lovenotwar149 · 05/08/2023 17:38

it's a match made in heaven...a very responsible woman (usually is the woman in my opinion but I'm generalising here) and a much less responsible man

Dombasle · 05/08/2023 17:43

www.newsweek.com/amplify/halo-collar-new-smart-solution-stop-your-dog-running-away

Would he wear a collar?

Neverseenbefore · 05/08/2023 17:44

Leeanne922 · 05/08/2023 17:30

Why odd, I was looking for my husband and couldn't find him in the house or in the back of front garden or the shed? Whats difference between checking security cameras vs going physically out myself and disturbing my baby who was breastfeeding?

Show quote history

I think it’s odd to have security cameras inside your home.

Caroparo52 · 05/08/2023 17:51

Second the collar idea🙂

heartofglass23 · 05/08/2023 17:59

This is one of the weirdest things I've ever read on mn!

Theoriginalmrscillianmurphy · 05/08/2023 18:04

Can't see what he's done wrong to be honest.

caringcarer · 05/08/2023 18:14

QuintessentiallyScottish · 05/08/2023 16:06

His wants come before yours and your children's needs.

This. Of course he should have said he was just going somewhere so you knew.