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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Boyfriend's messy brother with poor hygiene coming to stay

34 replies

OpheliaABC · 05/08/2023 14:19

The brother (in his early 20s) is troubled with severe anxiety and suspected autism. He lives with his mum and doesn't go out unless a family member takes him out. He's very intelligent and fairly polite and I have nothing against him personality wise.

However, he is extremely messy and lazy with bad hygiene. Now, I know it's not by choice (mostly). But the smell, him not washing his hands after the toilet, not showering, not taking his dirty plates to the kitchen or rubbish to the bin etc drives me absolutely nuts. He makes zero effort to contribute to household chores when staying with us and my boyfriend does him no favours, just acts as his servant as he feels sorry for him.

The brother doesn't often stay with us but when he does it can easily be for 2 weeks or more so it's enough to drive me nuts. He also quite happily sits on our sofa the whole time and plays XBox so I feel like I can't put 'my tv' on. We have our own kids and don't need another, even temporarily.

However it's an extremely sensitive topic to my boyfriend as he feels like his brother has been neglected by their mum - no life skills taught, dysfunctional ways, no positive role models. So he refuses to be strict with him and has to find discreet ways of making him have a shower for example. He feels mortified if I ask him to ask his brother to tidy up. His response is that he is our guest. We have had arguments about this several times.

We are both busy hardworking people with our own mental health issues but my boyfriend doesn't see this as an obstacle as he feels like the visits really make a difference to his brother's wellbeing. And fair enough, of course they do. He has more sensible adults and stability/normality here than at home ever.
I've just heard my partner has invited him to stay again and I'm furious but feel so guilty. I want to say no but never could. I feel like coming up with an excuse why he can't come and stay.

AITA?

OP posts:

NancyJoan · 05/08/2023 14:23

Nothing wrong with asking him to pick up his plates and stack the dishwasher.

Maybe your DH needs to take some time off and go out and about with him and leave you at home.

How would he react if you said, “Simon, I’ve run you a bath. Go and have a soak while I start making dinner.”?

Merryoldgoat · 05/08/2023 14:28

Your boyfriend’s brother is being failed by everyone.

Personally I wouldn’t have someone in my home who couldn’t keep the place tidy and keep himself clean.

There are lots of ways to encourage him and teach him to have some independence.

Reugny · 05/08/2023 14:29

If you stay with your bf then his brother will be in your life forever and if their mother dies he may be living with you for a few months.

So either tackle it now by telling your bf that you both need to reach his brother life skills in terms of self-care and household chores including cooking, or you need to get out of this relationship.

Btw it may sound harsh saying you have to teach an adult life skills but myself and others have learnt how to do some household chores as adults from other adults.

VictoriaVenkman · 05/08/2023 14:29

He wouldn't be allowed in my home if he stinks and is lazy.

Cherrysoup · 05/08/2023 14:31

Time for him to learn to be more self sufficient, it would be doing him a disservice to continue to treat him like a helpless child. Life skills like learning to clear up, wash etc are essential.

itsmyp4rty · 05/08/2023 14:33

He thinks his mum failed him by not teaching him independence but then refuses to get him to tidy up after himself at all? Sounds like he's complicit.

determinedtomakethiswork · 05/08/2023 14:35

Any visit should be conditional on a person being clean and not leaving a mess. That's not unreasonable of you. I would set those ground rules before saying he could stay.

Hadalifeonce · 05/08/2023 14:36

Our brother has SEN, he's 68, my sister and I regularly remind him to have a bath, do his washing or clean his flat. He is becoming more proactive now, it has taken over 3 years to get to this point, we don't live with him.

If he stayed with either of us, we would tell him to clean up after himself and tell him to have a shower or bath. The only way people learn any life skill is to be taught by others.

Seaweed42 · 05/08/2023 14:44

Your partner shouldn't be inviting people to stay without asking you first to see if the timing suits.
Doesn't matter who it is. It's your home too.
Do you jointly own the house?

Original poster

OpheliaABC · 06/08/2023 18:32

NancyJoan · 05/08/2023 14:23

Nothing wrong with asking him to pick up his plates and stack the dishwasher.

Maybe your DH needs to take some time off and go out and about with him and leave you at home.

How would he react if you said, “Simon, I’ve run you a bath. Go and have a soak while I start making dinner.”?

This is exactly what he does. He's the only one doing parenting, giving boundaries. I'm sick of beating around the bush though to be honest. That's their family's way though. Nothing EVER really happens, no one is really held accountable, it's so so dysfunctional.

OP posts:

Original poster

OpheliaABC · 06/08/2023 18:37

Merryoldgoat · 05/08/2023 14:28

Your boyfriend’s brother is being failed by everyone.

Personally I wouldn’t have someone in my home who couldn’t keep the place tidy and keep himself clean.

There are lots of ways to encourage him and teach him to have some independence.

Agreed, he is, and it's really sad. As we live on the other side of the country to them I'm not sure how we can help. I personally feel mortified teaching an extremely awkward young adult how to live in our house. He has massive social anxiety and avoids speaking to me, eye contact etc. Also, none of them really want to be helped. His mum is in complete denial and a mess herself, and he himself just hides away, spending time in his bedroom. Whenever a professional has tried to speak to him he will not respond/react. That's why they haven't got too far with a proper autism diagnosis, although it has been given based on observations and mum's account only.

OP posts:

Original poster

OpheliaABC · 06/08/2023 18:39

Reugny · 05/08/2023 14:29

If you stay with your bf then his brother will be in your life forever and if their mother dies he may be living with you for a few months.

Btw it may sound harsh saying you have to teach an adult life skills but myself and others have learnt how to do some household chores as adults from other adults.

True. What annoys me is that it's all talk no action from his mum. She always has big plans for herself and for him but they never happen. She'll say all the right things to professionals but the state of her own wellbeing/house is abysmal. She won't admit it's out of control and we have no idea what to do. Because she CAN get by, just not well.

OP posts:

Densol57 · 06/08/2023 18:42

His mother is his enabler and your bf is just learning from his mother to enable the brother as well. I could not stand being in a relationship like this.

Reugny · 06/08/2023 18:47

What annoys me is that it's all talk no action from his mum. She always has big plans for herself and for him but they never happen.

You can't control other people but you can control yourself.

So if your bf brother comes you either need to tell him to do stuff and show him where necessary, or shut up.

Don't worry about the lack of eye contact as you know that's what he does due to his autism and anxiety.

Original poster

OpheliaABC · 06/08/2023 18:47

Cherrysoup · 05/08/2023 14:31

Time for him to learn to be more self sufficient, it would be doing him a disservice to continue to treat him like a helpless child. Life skills like learning to clear up, wash etc are essential.

Do I need to be the bad cop here? I find that so awkward, particularly when it's not my own family member. My partner will not ask him to do household chores, only to have a shower etc. There's soooo much awkwardness around the subject of cleanliness because you expect these things to be non-explanatory and obvious! When you see someone so clueless/useless and have to raise every single little thing that they do wrong... I just don't even want to go through it. It's mortifying. My partner feels exactly the same. When the brother was younger, I once told him off for putting his feet on the table (outdoor seating in a cafe) which he's obviously allowed to do at home. He started kicking off massively, running away, knocking the chairs down etc. I'm not saying he'd react the same way now but... don't want to even take the risk.

OP posts:

VinEtFromage · 06/08/2023 18:49

@OpheliaABC

Does he enjoy coming to stay?

If he does I'd start off with saying 'We'd love you to come and stay for x time (be clear) but the rules are that you shower properly every day & wear fresh clothes & that you wash your hand with soap everytine you go to the toilet. Do you think you can follow thise rules?'

He needs to learn how to function in society & it looks like you're the only one that bothers.

Can your DP look into supported living for him? My cousins son didn't want to move into assisted living, but he needed to, he's really thrived & now loves it.

Createausername1970 · 06/08/2023 18:51

He sounds like a more extreme version of my son, who is 21. He needs to be reminded to shower and tidy up after himself, but I have noticed a definite improvement over the last 12 months, so your boyfriend's brother can learn if someone takes the time.

I would suggest including him in conversations involving your children. "What time are you planning to have a shower, brother, as I need to get the kids in the bath" or "ok kids, have you put all your stuff in the dishwasher? And brother, have you got anything to go in the dishwasher too".

Or "I am just going to put some of the kids stuff in the washing machine, do you have anything that needs to go in".

I know my son would want to comply, he would just need to be prompted.

Original poster

OpheliaABC · 06/08/2023 18:52

itsmyp4rty · 05/08/2023 14:33

He thinks his mum failed him by not teaching him independence but then refuses to get him to tidy up after himself at all? Sounds like he's complicit.

He has a lot of grudges towards his mum and doesn't respect her. This is where a lot of the problems come from, and to be honest I don't blame him. His mum has neglected him a lot, invited bad people into her (and therefore his) life, causes drama, embarrasses him and is like a child herself (her own upbringing is traumatic with time spent in care, sexual abuse etc). That being said, I think there's also a lot of laziness. Why do household chores at home, at ours or anywhere, when you always just get away with it? I know the answer is, I shouldn't let him get away with it!

OP posts:

VinEtFromage · 06/08/2023 18:52

@OpheliaABC

cross posted with you.

but again someone has to teach him right from wrong. If his Mum & Brither won't, it really only leaves you.

id just do, what I'd do, if it was my brother

if DH doesn't like it, he's free to stop inviting him to stay.

bellac11 · 06/08/2023 18:55

OP is your accommodation jointly owned or rented by you and your partner?

If it is, then it needs to be a situation you're both comfortable with

Original poster

OpheliaABC · 06/08/2023 19:01

Seaweed42 · 05/08/2023 14:44

Your partner shouldn't be inviting people to stay without asking you first to see if the timing suits.
Doesn't matter who it is. It's your home too.
Do you jointly own the house?

We are renting it together. He will always ask me but I know he's avoiding doing so because it's always a complicated conversation. His sister told me he's planning for this visit (he's visiting there himself at the moment). I think my partner sees the neglected child in his brother that he once was himself and wants to give the respite to the brother he never himself had. My bf was making dinners for the family since he was 6! But he's going about it this the wrong way. We can work around this, because to be fair the brother is hardly ever here but every time he does come it's always the same conversation!!

OP posts:

Original poster

OpheliaABC · 06/08/2023 19:07

Densol57 · 06/08/2023 18:42

His mother is his enabler and your bf is just learning from his mother to enable the brother as well. I could not stand being in a relationship like this.

This aspect of it is so, so, so frustrating. As mentioned the family very rarely come over so we can live with it because of that. They live on the other side of the country. They're not bad people. Just their dysfunctional ways are horrific as is the way their mum invites drama and complications to her life. When she's with us she always puts up a good front, she's perky, babysits, spoils the kids, they love her. But we know she has this other side that she does her best to hide and my partner in particular sees straight through it, and me too, over the years.

OP posts:

Original poster

OpheliaABC · 06/08/2023 19:09

Reugny · 06/08/2023 18:47

What annoys me is that it's all talk no action from his mum. She always has big plans for herself and for him but they never happen.

You can't control other people but you can control yourself.

So if your bf brother comes you either need to tell him to do stuff and show him where necessary, or shut up.

Don't worry about the lack of eye contact as you know that's what he does due to his autism and anxiety.

You are right. I just need to put my big girl pants on and be very upfront about it and ignore the embarrassment I feel.

OP posts:

10HailMarys · 06/08/2023 19:09

So your boyfriend feels sorry for his brother because he has no life skills and no positive role models - in that case, he needs to BE the positive role model and TEACH his brother some life skills. Basic manners like tidying up, not hogging the telly 24/7 in someone else’s home, basic hygiene etc are the life skills he should be teaching him. Yes, his brother is ‘a guest’ but your boyfriend doesn’t seem to understand that being a guest involves manners and consideration for the host. Being a guest in someone’s home involves offering to help, being clean and tidy etc - it’s not like being a guest in a hotel. Your boyfriend seems out of his depth here and I’m wondering whether he also has some (differently) skewed notions about what’s normal interaction between family members staying at each other’s homes.

Original poster

OpheliaABC · 06/08/2023 19:13

VinEtFromage · 06/08/2023 18:49

@OpheliaABC

Does he enjoy coming to stay?

He needs to learn how to function in society & it looks like you're the only one that bothers.

Can your DP look into supported living for him? My cousins son didn't want to move into assisted living, but he needed to, he's really thrived & now loves it.

He LOVES coming to stay. I think it's the only good thing in his life and a real, rare treat. He will only talk about anything real to my partner. He takes the p**s of the rest of his family, including his mum, because he finds them so unintelligent.

Yes you are right, this is the only way.

OP posts:

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