Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend's messy brother with poor hygiene coming to stay

34 replies

OpheliaABC · 05/08/2023 14:19

The brother (in his early 20s) is troubled with severe anxiety and suspected autism. He lives with his mum and doesn't go out unless a family member takes him out. He's very intelligent and fairly polite and I have nothing against him personality wise.

However, he is extremely messy and lazy with bad hygiene. Now, I know it's not by choice (mostly). But the smell, him not washing his hands after the toilet, not showering, not taking his dirty plates to the kitchen or rubbish to the bin etc drives me absolutely nuts. He makes zero effort to contribute to household chores when staying with us and my boyfriend does him no favours, just acts as his servant as he feels sorry for him.

The brother doesn't often stay with us but when he does it can easily be for 2 weeks or more so it's enough to drive me nuts. He also quite happily sits on our sofa the whole time and plays XBox so I feel like I can't put 'my tv' on. We have our own kids and don't need another, even temporarily.

However it's an extremely sensitive topic to my boyfriend as he feels like his brother has been neglected by their mum - no life skills taught, dysfunctional ways, no positive role models. So he refuses to be strict with him and has to find discreet ways of making him have a shower for example. He feels mortified if I ask him to ask his brother to tidy up. His response is that he is our guest. We have had arguments about this several times.

We are both busy hardworking people with our own mental health issues but my boyfriend doesn't see this as an obstacle as he feels like the visits really make a difference to his brother's wellbeing. And fair enough, of course they do. He has more sensible adults and stability/normality here than at home ever.
I've just heard my partner has invited him to stay again and I'm furious but feel so guilty. I want to say no but never could. I feel like coming up with an excuse why he can't come and stay.

AITA?

OP posts:
Original poster
OpheliaABC · 06/08/2023 19:14

Createausername1970 · 06/08/2023 18:51

He sounds like a more extreme version of my son, who is 21. He needs to be reminded to shower and tidy up after himself, but I have noticed a definite improvement over the last 12 months, so your boyfriend's brother can learn if someone takes the time.

I would suggest including him in conversations involving your children. "What time are you planning to have a shower, brother, as I need to get the kids in the bath" or "ok kids, have you put all your stuff in the dishwasher? And brother, have you got anything to go in the dishwasher too".

Or "I am just going to put some of the kids stuff in the washing machine, do you have anything that needs to go in".

I know my son would want to comply, he would just need to be prompted.

This is a very good idea, thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
OpheliaABC · 06/08/2023 19:16

VinEtFromage · 06/08/2023 18:52

@OpheliaABC

cross posted with you.

but again someone has to teach him right from wrong. If his Mum & Brither won't, it really only leaves you.

id just do, what I'd do, if it was my brother

if DH doesn't like it, he's free to stop inviting him to stay.

True that.

OP posts:
Ahnobother · 06/08/2023 19:16

What age are your kids OP? Would it be possible to say to BIL that you are trying to encourage them to take more responsibility and be more independent in their own self-care and get him on board to help that way?
I think you need to be firm with your partner as well in that you will support him in this as long as he takes the lead on setting a good routine and example. It doesn't sound easy and it is extra work on top of your own lives but hopefully there will be a benefit if you stick at it.

Original poster
OpheliaABC · 06/08/2023 19:18

bellac11 · 06/08/2023 18:55

OP is your accommodation jointly owned or rented by you and your partner?

If it is, then it needs to be a situation you're both comfortable with

Jointly rented. Yep, he would never do something I'm not okay with, but I feel very bad for saying know as I know the brother's favourite thing in his life is coming here for respite. I guess I need to take the extra job on for showing him how real life works!!! And get my partner on board somehow.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 06/08/2023 19:25

OpheliaABC · 06/08/2023 18:47

Do I need to be the bad cop here? I find that so awkward, particularly when it's not my own family member. My partner will not ask him to do household chores, only to have a shower etc. There's soooo much awkwardness around the subject of cleanliness because you expect these things to be non-explanatory and obvious! When you see someone so clueless/useless and have to raise every single little thing that they do wrong... I just don't even want to go through it. It's mortifying. My partner feels exactly the same. When the brother was younger, I once told him off for putting his feet on the table (outdoor seating in a cafe) which he's obviously allowed to do at home. He started kicking off massively, running away, knocking the chairs down etc. I'm not saying he'd react the same way now but... don't want to even take the risk.

Show quote history

No, it's time for your dp to step up. If he wants him over, he needs to be firm.

Original poster
OpheliaABC · 06/08/2023 19:28

10HailMarys · 06/08/2023 19:09

However it's an extremely sensitive topic to my boyfriend as he feels like his brother has been neglected by their mum - no life skills taught, dysfunctional ways, no positive role models. So he refuses to be strict with him

So your boyfriend feels sorry for his brother because he has no life skills and no positive role models - in that case, he needs to BE the positive role model and TEACH his brother some life skills. Basic manners like tidying up, not hogging the telly 24/7 in someone else’s home, basic hygiene etc are the life skills he should be teaching him. Yes, his brother is ‘a guest’ but your boyfriend doesn’t seem to understand that being a guest involves manners and consideration for the host. Being a guest in someone’s home involves offering to help, being clean and tidy etc - it’s not like being a guest in a hotel. Your boyfriend seems out of his depth here and I’m wondering whether he also has some (differently) skewed notions about what’s normal interaction between family members staying at each other’s homes.

It's all really messed up. He's the oldest of a big single mum family and basically just took on the dad's role since he was very young. His mum took advantage of his hardworking nature. He was cooking ( and I don't just mean making sandwiches) and cleaning for his family since he was 6. He was more of an adult than his mum and still is. My partner is still working hard every day to unlearn the messed up thinking of his mum's. He has always educated himself and strived for the better, moved far away from them etc. Just this is his soft/weak spot. He feels so sorry for the younger siblings he just mollycoddles them particularly as they see each other rarely. He's now found some good ways to get the brother to shower but our next challenge is the tidiness/help around the house.

OP posts:
Original poster
OpheliaABC · 06/08/2023 19:33

Ahnobother · 06/08/2023 19:16

What age are your kids OP? Would it be possible to say to BIL that you are trying to encourage them to take more responsibility and be more independent in their own self-care and get him on board to help that way?
I think you need to be firm with your partner as well in that you will support him in this as long as he takes the lead on setting a good routine and example. It doesn't sound easy and it is extra work on top of your own lives but hopefully there will be a benefit if you stick at it.

2, 5 and 7. That's a good idea. A very sensible comment, thank you. This is exactly what I will say to my partner.

OP posts:
Thelonelygiraffe · 06/08/2023 21:17

itsmyp4rty · 05/08/2023 14:33

He thinks his mum failed him by not teaching him independence but then refuses to get him to tidy up after himself at all? Sounds like he's complicit.

This. Your h needs to teach him life skills.

VinEtFromage · 06/08/2023 22:17

@OpheliaABC

to be honest, I'd go 'single step' on 'around the house' but only once he's showering daily with no more than one reminder & washing his hands at appropriate times.

my 'around the house would be 'everything if his in his space, dishes in the dishwasher & rubbish in the bin. I'd be happy with that.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread