To want to know where my DC is when he’s with his father

[Dollymix2]

Hi MN,
I recently split with my ex and we share a 21 month old. It was a messy breakup, I kicked him out due to the toxic environment that I didn’t want our dc to be around. I was a SAHM so I’m just getting my ducks in a row now.
Today’s the first day he’s taking dc on his own. It felt a big deal to me, I wanted to know what he planned doing with dc. He jumped down my throat saying that it’s ‘his’ day with him and doesn’t have to answer to me. I took offence to this and snapped back to say that he’s never taken him out on his own before and I wanted to know where dc would be! He’s free to do what he likes with dc, but a call or text to know dc is happy would be nice!
He took dc, then called me to say he’d fancied swimming but the centre was fully booked so he would ‘figure something out’ and put the phone down.
I checked the centres booking system and they had spaces so I’ve been lied to

I am trying to not control the situation but AIBU to want to know where dc is?

I understand your worries, but unless you think that your ex can't look after your DC (in which case you shouldn't be sending him out) then it's up to him to do what he wants with him. Do you let your ex know about everywhere you take your DC? I'm guessing not. And will it really change anything if you know they've gone to x park?

Also, for someone who doesn't want to control the situation it's odd that you just happened to have gone and checked the swimming pool's booking system (which, if like ours, doesn't necessarily show the right number of spaces available).

How would you feel if your ex wanted a full rundown of your plans for the day and a report at end of day?
It's his time and you have to trust him.

If their are concerns you would need to go through a solicitor.

Unfortunately he is right he spoke to you like shit and lied to you but he is right your just going to have to worry in silence

Why did you choose him to father your child if you don't trust that he can look after a child?

It must be really difficult to have to be apart from your child especially as he is so young but I think you need to trust your ex partner. You've got years and years of having to make this work with him and it's in your child's best interest to make it as smooth as possible.

If you don't trust him to look after your son properly then that another matter all together and even then what do you hope to achieve by asking him what he is going to do with your son. If you don't trust him with your son then why would you trust him to tell you the truth about where he is?

You will have way more control if you keep the relationship with your ex as amicable and friendly as possible even if it is extremely difficult and goes against what you think of him.

Imagine your ex has an issue with your son, if you are making it obvious you don't trust him then he won't tell you about it.

If he gets home and you accuse him of lying then he is going to get defensive and refuse to tell you what he is doing in future.

I know it must be really difficult though but you have to be strategic and play the long game. It's in your sons best interests

Would it be OK for you to be tracked by your ex?

I get that it is really difficult to let go control.of what is happening with your child, especially when they are so young. But the reality of separation is that you completely lose that control and the more you try to hold on to it, the more your ex will push against you, the higher your conflict will get and the more damaging to your child it will become.

You need to let this go. Don't mention that you checked the swimming. Don't ask what he's done. Agree with your ex some basic need to know info - has he eaten recently and any injuries. Anything else is unnecessary. Next time he picks him up you give him the same info and wave him off with a happy smile on your face.

Also keep super busy when the baby is away. Use it as time to get things done, or do some self-care stuff.

I know it's hard, but he's right. What he does and where he goes during contact isn't your business.

Just as what you do and where you go when your dc is with you is none of his business.

And checking the booking system IS controlling and frankly, weird.

You chose to share a child with this man which means you made the decision that he was a suitable father, and now you have to stand by that.

If my ex husband asked where I was going and what I was doing with dd I'd tell him it was none of his business. And this is none of yours.

You absolutely are trying to control the situation. This is the reality you have to accept now that you are no longer in a relationship with your child's father.

Thankyou for these replies so far!

As I’ve said I was a SAHM with no help so it was always just me and dc.
I know deep down dc is safe , I think I just got anxious is all. Co parenting is all new and I’m hoping each weekend it gets a bit easier!

Why did you choose him to father your child if you don't trust that he can look after a child?

Why is there always a helpful comment like this on these threads?
It will get easier OP, try not to let it get to you

You say you're not trying to control the situation while clearly trying to control the situation. I understand but it's an unfortunate side effect from splitting up with the father 🤷‍♀️ it's not your business what he does with his son as long as he's safe.

You can't control this situation. His time with his dad is his time.

This!

"I am trying not to control the situation..."

Must try harder!

I understand being nervous at it being the first time. However you are going to have to learn to relax into the situation, unless you have genuine reasons for not trusting your ex with him.

Put yourself on the other side. If your ex demanded to know what you are doing with DC at all times you are with him, would you be happy or would you go 🖕?

Maybe if people thought that before they slept together there would be less of these threads?

Co-parenting is really tough. It will get easier but only if you both really want it to work well for your child. It involves A LOT of swallowing your feelings, letting things go and giving the other parent the benefit of the doubt. Given you are at the very beginning of your journey it might be worth while suggesting sitting down with him (and a neutral third party/mediator) to put together a parenting plan. You then get to have a think about the things that are really important to you and get it all written down. Good luck Op.

Only if you tell him where you and his child are every day? I get it’s hard to let go a little but as you say he’s safe and it gives you some time so perhaps do something nice for you whether that be a wander round Shops, a walk and cuppa or a nice long bath then he’ll be home again with you. It does get easier I promise but I understand how you feel too

I understand wanting to know but agree that the key is building up a good co-parenting relationship with your ex. I had many issues with my ex and his parenting (or lack of) when we were together but we actually get on fine now and send pictures of the children and can take them out together etc. It takes a lot of conscious effort not to criticise and to accept how he wants to do things and compromise and not to bring up stuff from the past including patterns of behaviour. I find it easier to get on with him now than when we were together as I don’t need to live with him.

It sounds like your ex just got defensive. I’d send your son off next time with a smile and not ask where he’s going. Maybe ask something like did you have a nice time when he gets back. If your ex has some trips that go wrong because he hasn’t booked/ doesn’t have the right stuff etc. so be it.

You can also communicate in a direct way. E.g I get worried about being away from DS so sorry if it came across as not trusting you. I was very focused on how unfair things were between us while we were together but I really try to ignore that now and will apologise for stuff / let some stuff go just to keep the peace. My ex is generally fairly reasonable though. You should hopefully get to the point where you can ask about your son without it being taken as a criticism of his parenting/ desire for control.

Agree with PPs, as nice as it would be to know where they are and what they’re up to, it’s not on you to demand that information. Hopefully as time passes and you both build a civil coparenting relationship you can both get to the place where you can discuss things like that but for now you need to let go - for your own sake more than anything else. You can be driven mad by it otherwise and as PP pointed out that can lead to a volatile situation between you and your ex that’s not good for your child.

Or people could just stick to answering the question that OP asked instead of offering irrelevant unhelpful smug replies.

I think it's understandable to be worried given your DC is used to being with you all the time, but unfortunately you'll have to get used to not knowing everything that goes on when it's dads contact time.

Control freak, no wonder the relationship broke down.