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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to know where my DC is when he’s with his father

46 replies

Dollymix2 · 05/08/2023 11:37

Hi MN,
I recently split with my ex and we share a 21 month old. It was a messy breakup, I kicked him out due to the toxic environment that I didn’t want our dc to be around. I was a SAHM so I’m just getting my ducks in a row now.
Today’s the first day he’s taking dc on his own. It felt a big deal to me, I wanted to know what he planned doing with dc. He jumped down my throat saying that it’s ‘his’ day with him and doesn’t have to answer to me. I took offence to this and snapped back to say that he’s never taken him out on his own before and I wanted to know where dc would be! He’s free to do what he likes with dc, but a call or text to know dc is happy would be nice!
He took dc, then called me to say he’d fancied swimming but the centre was fully booked so he would ‘figure something out’ and put the phone down.
I checked the centres booking system and they had spaces so I’ve been lied to

I am trying to not control the situation but AIBU to want to know where dc is?

OP posts:

Feelingsad12 · 05/08/2023 19:15

I had my children with EXh who seemed to be a great father to my step dd. Turned out he was abusive, incompetent and completely bone idle in the baby years, now dc are older he is ok. I didn’t leave him until youngest was 2.5 as I couldn’t trust him for a second with little ones

Singleandproud · 05/08/2023 19:19

It's re

TarquinOliverNimrod · 05/08/2023 19:21

Dollymix2 · 05/08/2023 11:57

Thankyou for these replies so far!

As I’ve said I was a SAHM with no help so it was always just me and dc.
I know deep down dc is safe , I think I just got anxious is all. Co parenting is all new and I’m hoping each weekend it gets a bit easier!

I hear you. I’d hate to be without my baby son like that and would worry about him from the moment he left til when he returned.

It’s not being ‘controlling’ wanting assurances that your son will be properly looked after and happy while he’s away from you ffs 🙄 ignore the tools saying that. Totally normal behaviour for a loving parent.

Summertime109 · 05/08/2023 19:23

It will get easier OP. Can you tackle a job
list, do something nice for yourself or meet a friend in future? It’ll help the time pass

Singleandproud · 05/08/2023 19:25

It's really hard to let go but your ex is correct, on his time he doesn't have to tell you.

Our handovers pretty much covered the basics
Was DD on any prescribed medication / had she had calpol or Piriton?
Was she wearing sun screen
When did she eat

Other than that we pretty much always did our own thing. I'd pass on details for school events like sports days or extra curricular competitions or anything else parents could attend and that was it.

Think of it like your DD is going to a baby sitter and that you are only going to give and get the bare basics to allow you / him to care for her needs. As the split matures and DD gets older you may find you get on better but for right now you just need to know the essentials.

Lavender14 · 05/08/2023 19:26

If dh is taking ds out he would tend to tell me where they are and what they're doing. I trust him completely to look after ds but it's just a nice thing to hear about their day together and know where they are. I think it's hard to expect the same from your ex because you don't have that relationship.

Tbh I think the way you put it across to him might have come across badly (although he's also maybe the type to take things badly to start a row). When he drops ds off again could you say you thought about it and you realised it might have come across like you didn't trust him to have your child and that you weren't thinking that, it's just that it's the first time you've been away from ds and you'll miss him and its nice hearing about what he's up to.

If you genuinely don't trust him and you are worried about his ability with ds then I think you need to go through a solicitor to look at contact arrangements.

IamAlso4eels · 05/08/2023 19:38

WandaWonder · 05/08/2023 12:17

Maybe if people thought that before they slept together there would be less of these threads?

Show quote history

Not everyone has control over their reproductive choices

Abusers and toxic partners don't generally advertise that they're toxic and abusive. They make sure you're wearing rose tinted specs as early as possible in the relationship because that helps to hide the red flags

Hindsight is 20:20, asking "why didn't you...?" helps no one and unless you have a time machine or some other means for OP to magically un-produce her child then you're just using your question as a way to stick the boot in which makes you an arsehole. Why would you want to be an arsehole?

OP, it's your child's first day out with your toxic ex. It's going to be rough until you adjust to this new routine but unless you have safeguarding concerns then, unfortunately, you're just going to have to suck it up. Provided your DS is safe and cared for then you don't get a say in where they go or what they do and the flip side is true too, he doesn't get a say in where you go or what you do.

Lkahsvtv · 05/08/2023 19:45

I do understand how you feel but you need to accept that you won’t be able to expect this now that you’re separated. You’ll probably get more information by just being interested in a casual way than by getting his back up about it

Starseeking · 05/08/2023 19:45

YABU.

If you trust him to look after your DC, then you don't also have the right to know where he is every second of every day. This is the reality of being separated parents (I have the same with my EXDP).

You'll have to dial down on your anxiety, as otherwise you'll work yourself up into a state every time your DC goes to their Dads.

LoisPrice · 05/08/2023 19:49

No your Childs father doesn't have to keep you updated with what they are doing and unfortunately you're overstepping the mark.

Yes its really hard to split up and then have the weekly visit or bi weekly visits with the dc going off and you're not used to it.

Sit down, make yourself a cup of tea and put on a much wanted to watch box set or go and have a long soak in the bath. This is your time to relax from running around after a toddler 24/7

On the flip side of things, don't be telling your ex what you will be doing, where youre going or who with as its the same - none of his business

Hibiscrubbed · 05/08/2023 19:51

He’s realised he can really get to you by being like this. He will weaponise it now, unfortunately.

You aren’t entitled to know, sadly. You have to be zen. If you have valid concerns over your son’s safety though, stop contact and let him take you to court.

LoisPrice · 05/08/2023 19:54

Also as an aside for your dc

when they return, start with positive. Make a habit of saying to them Oh I bet you had a lovely time with your dad - don't ask what they did just be positive about the visit. Also tell them I had such a relaxing time or great time.

DC can worry about leaving mum and them being lonely or worry about guilty for having a good time with the other parent. If you are positive about both your time and theirs - they will hopefully reassure them its ok to have fun with dad without mum.

EmeraldDuck · 05/08/2023 21:45

YANBU. A normal nice person wouldn’t have a problem saying roughly what their plans were, even if the answer was as simple as “Dunno probably just hangnout at my place, or maybe find a local playground.”

Re swimming that’s weird, is it possible your partner is so thick that he couldn’t work out the booking system? But more likely he wants to sound like a good dad without actually doing stuff that requires effort. Probably did a lot of gaming.

I know how stressful this must be and I’m sorry you’re in this situation.

Moonsun88 · 05/08/2023 21:57

It's difficult for you, being the main carer but it's not just your child, he has a dad too so you would need to not come across as controlling. In court they would not like that, if he decides to go to to court for more time. Be aware he has rights and you don't have to know anything about his time with his child. It's hard but you'll get used to it.

fuckmyuteruslining · 06/08/2023 11:03

I can't believe you checked up the swimming. You'd surely hate it if he did that? You have to let go a bit. This is a consequence of the split unfortunately.

notacooldad · 06/08/2023 11:11

What was your tone like when you asked him where he was going? You said he jumped down your throat but what did you say before that?

Personally, even if it was killing me, I would have said ' Have a great day you two! What exciting plans have you got?
Sounds twee i know but you kill more flies with sugar rather vinegar and you may have found out what you wanted rather than him getting nasty.

10HailMarys · 06/08/2023 11:21

I understand it’s hard for you and your ex shouldn’t have snapped at you but he really doesn’t have to outline his plans to you when he’s with your DC. He’s not the babysitter or the nanny. He’s the parent.

Would you want to give your ex a timetable of what you’ll be doing with your DC every day when he’s with you?

I checked the centres booking system and they had spaces

Checking up like that isn’t really healthy. I get how anxious you are about being away from your DC for the day but you aren’t helping yourself by trying to catch his father out.

redskytwonight · 06/08/2023 11:24

TarquinOliverNimrod · 05/08/2023 19:21

I hear you. I’d hate to be without my baby son like that and would worry about him from the moment he left til when he returned.

Show quote history

There is rather a huge difference between knowing your child will be looked after and knowing where they are going.

If ex says to OP that he thought they'd go to the local park and play in the playground and then go back to his house for the afternoon, how does that help her work out if he's being well looked after or not?

BMW6 · 06/08/2023 11:30

As hard as I appreciate this is OP you MUST let go on this.

He is just as much a parent as you are, he is entitled to 50% of parental responsibility and he does not need to keep you informed of their movements any more than he needs to be informed of yours when child is with you.

I assume he loves his child and you have no serious concern over the child's safety (just that you are "better")?

You want your child to be happy and have a good relationship with their father don't you?

When you were a new Mother would you have appreciated your Mum or MIL keeping tabs on your child's welfare?

JMSA · 06/08/2023 11:38

Vannor · 05/08/2023 19:09

Control freak, no wonder the relationship broke down.

Oh, wow.
Some people on this thread deserve an almighty slap, and let me tell you, I'd be happy to oblige.

JMSA · 06/08/2023 11:42

Op, it will be ok and get easier with time.
A nice, emotionally intelligent man might think but still put your mind at rest. That's not what you're dealing with here, and you need to accept that. You are going to have many of these frustrating moments over the years, and you must learn to deal with them. You also have to trust that your ex wants the best for your son. I hope he never gives you reason to believe otherwise.
Good luck!

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