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Original poster

To not go even though I complained?

63 replies

AndJust · 04/08/2023 22:11

Background is that I’m good friends with a colleague. I don’t go into the office very much though and she made good friends with someone else on the team (I’m also friendly with them). Now someone new has started, who seems nice but I don’t really know her. All three of them go out quite a lot (seen it on social media) and never invite me.

I told my colleague that I was feeling left out and she got a bit defensive over it. But now they are going out for a bottomless brunch tomorrow and invited me.

I said yes but now I’m having second thoughts like they don’t really want me there and only invited me because I complained .. and they knew that they would see me in the office and maybe thought it would be awkward? Maybe I’m overthinking.

OP posts:
Annoyingnamechangerperson · 05/08/2023 07:40

You’re not in the office much so I think you will naturally miss out of a lot of meet ups.

99% of the meet ups we arrange at work are from spontaneous chatter at work.

Im not asking you to divulge to me or anyone on here, but is there a reason you can’t work from the office and it has to be at home all the time?

I’m not going to lie I have a much better work relationship with the people I’m in the office with day in day out because it’s effortless, they’re just there and we naturally end up having a quick chat etc.

At my work some people come in all the time usually parents with young children who struggle to work from home. Some come in sporadically and some people never come in and honestly if you’re one of the latter I don’t think you should be expecting the people you work with to go out of their way to remember to invite you to things when you don’t show up at the office to see them face to face. You’ve also admitted you don’t even like one of the people you want to invite you to stuff.

Its rubbish you felt excluded but friendships go both ways, when was the last time you arranged a meet up for all of them, came in work to work alongside them for a bit, messaged them out of work for a chat? If it’s a while then unfortunately you get out what you put in with friendships.

I wouldn’t have said anything about being missed out of meet ups, you said your friend got defensive so youve not mentioned being left out in a non blame way. It would’ve been better to say ‘hey your night out looked good let me know if you go again I’d love to come along’
Rather than wording it in a way that made her feel like she had to defend her actions to you.

As for not going now because you feel like your friend only invited you because you said something if you did that to me I wouldn’t be very pleased with you at all to be honest.

I used to have a controlling friend (not saying that you are controlling) but if I went out without her I knew I’d get the emotional blackmail afterwards, then if I invited her along she would either say she wasn’t coming because she didn’t think I wanted her there and I had to spend time re assuring her or she would cancel, or she would come and be off with some or my friends.

In the end it was too much hard work and I let the friendship fizzle out.

I think you either need to go with a smile on your face and be sociable with everyone or cancel but know that your friendships may struggle after this.

You had it out with your friend and the way I see it she had options distance herself, carry on as she was doing or invite you along. I think to not go now because you think it’s a pity invite is unfair to her.

Copperoliverbear · 05/08/2023 07:42

Go and enjoy yourself.

Verystressedsenmum · 05/08/2023 08:01

You said you felt left out so she invited you now you don’t want to go ?
go or don’t go but don’t be surprised if your not invited again . You’ve said you’ll go so go .

Trixiefirecracker · 05/08/2023 08:12

Jeez, you’ve made a fuss and now you are going to cut off your nose to spite your face! How petty.

pd339 · 05/08/2023 08:13

Path*tic

VictoriaVenkman · 05/08/2023 08:14

Sorry to be harsh OP but it is immature to complain about being left out then not actually want to go to the event that you wanted to be invited to.

My advice is go, I think you'll have a good time.

I also agree with @Annoyingnamechangerperson 's post. Lots of good points.

FluffyUnicorn84 · 05/08/2023 08:16

OP, I agree with PP and imho go! There's at least the 1 colleague you get on with so I reckon it might be fine- why complain if you don't want to go?

Just my opinion

ManchesterGirl2 · 05/08/2023 08:31

You absolutely should go.

The first scenario A is that she's not been inviting you due to circumstance - it's pretty normal that things get arranged by and for the people who are there when the idea comes up. In which case, she's realised after your discussion that you feel left out, and wants to give you a chance to get to know the group and potentially become part of it. It would be a slap in the face not to go.

Scenario B (less likely in my opinion) is that the friendship has cooled and she's now just invited you through duty. Which would make for an awkward meetup.

Personally, I think it's best to assume scenario A. At worst you'll have an awkward brunch, at best you'll get what you actually wanted, i.e. a way into their friendship group. If you assume B then you're cutting off all chance of joining the group, based on an assumption, and potentially being rude to your friend.

drunkpeacock · 05/08/2023 08:37

Ok so not quite the same scenario but ten years ago I was texting a friend, she sent a text message clearly meant for a different group (people I knew distantly) about meeting for lunch. I replied saying "oh this wasn't for me but have a nice lunch" at which point, largely out of embarrassment, she invited me too. Despite knowing why I'd been invited I decided to push myself out of my comfort zone and go. Ten years on and the five of us are still a close group of friends and I'm so glad I went along.
So I'd say go op, you told her how you felt, she responded by inviting you because she cares about you. So go, prepared to mix with everybody and have a lovely time.

Aprilx · 05/08/2023 08:58

This is the flip side for all those people refusing to go into the office since the pandemic, you might miss out on the social or even networking side of things in the workplace. Of course you are not “good friends” with somebody who you only ever contact via team chat or whatever and of course she is going to be closer to the people she sees.

I honestly cannot believe you complained about them going out without you, that is what I would expect of children or teenagers. But even so they decided to invite you and you are still moaning.

Zanatdy · 05/08/2023 09:06

Agree that this is the flip side of working from home when other colleagues go into the office. I find working from home very anti social and I really enjoy my office days and do an extra 1 than I need to. You’d look very silly if you didn’t go after you complained. Go and enjoy, don’t over think it. Maybe start going to the office more

drpet49 · 05/08/2023 09:27

Aprilx · 05/08/2023 08:58

This is the flip side for all those people refusing to go into the office since the pandemic, you might miss out on the social or even networking side of things in the workplace. Of course you are not “good friends” with somebody who you only ever contact via team chat or whatever and of course she is going to be closer to the people she sees.

I honestly cannot believe you complained about them going out without you, that is what I would expect of children or teenagers. But even so they decided to invite you and you are still moaning.

This. If I was your friend I would see you in a different light after this.

itsmyp4rty · 05/08/2023 10:29

I don't know how you could feel left out when you're hardly in the office. Were you expecting them to invite you even though you weren't there? Now they have invited you and you're still not happy - so what outcome did you want?

Now you need to go and be friendly and chatty and appreciate that they invited you along despite your weird behaviour.

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