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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be a bit annoyed with DH?

46 replies

changedforthisthread2 · 04/08/2023 21:35

We have a good relationship and generally happy. One baby, one DC in nursery. We've moved back to where DH grew up and I know no one here. Friends and family have been round for a natter and to help with DIY. All good there.

What's making me a bit cross is that DH is also invited for nights out. Nothing wild, just a couple pints at the local, he's home by midnight and not at all pissed. I understand he's happy to see old friends again (especially after lockdowns over the past years, we've hardly seen anyone), and he always asks me if it's alright if he goes. BUT I still feel a bit left out and jealous. It doesn't seem right to tell him he can't go, but at the same time I'm home on Friday night with the DC whilst he's out socialising. I don't have any friends here so I wouldn't have anyone to go with anyway, and haven't started working yet so perhaps I"m just feeling lonely generally. So as not to drip feed, friends are male and female, and there is one female friend who sort of makes me jealous, but I feel like a shrew for thinking that. (But maybe I shouldn't and I should worry? It sort of pings some alarm bells for me, but that may be due to a previous partner who cheated on me).

DH has encouraged me to regularly take a day or night off and find a hobby or course I'd like to try, but with me on mat leave and not returning to my job it doesn't feel I have much financial room to do so.

AIBU?

OP posts:

MoonLion · 04/08/2023 21:36

Couldn't you sort out a babysitter some nights and go with him? Especially as it's a mixed group not just men.

AllBlackEverything · 04/08/2023 21:40

Doesn't he invite you to go too?

KajsaKavat · 04/08/2023 21:41

You need to make new friends asap

RobotsWillRule · 04/08/2023 21:44

DH has encouraged me to regularly take a day or night off and find a hobby or course I'd like to try,

Take him up on that right away

but with me on mat leave and not returning to my job it doesn't feel I have much financial room to do so

Why would it be OK for him to spend on going out and not you?

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 04/08/2023 21:44

MoonLion · 04/08/2023 21:36

Couldn't you sort out a babysitter some nights and go with him? Especially as it's a mixed group not just men.

This

Go out together that's how you will make friends.

He is being a bit mean, leaving you behind

gannett · 04/08/2023 21:44

Invite some of them round on a Friday night instead of the pub? Could be a very casual dinner or even just drinks if you don't want to do stressful hosting.

Hawkins009 · 04/08/2023 21:47

Could the both of you go, if you get a babysitter ?

Lillygolightly · 04/08/2023 21:48

Since he’s moved to where he grew up and already has established friendships and I would assume the move is something he wanted, so he should be making an effort to introduce and establish you in his friendship circle and also just to get you out of the house so you not stuck at home with the kids all the time and so that you can socialise together as a couple.

LittleOwl153 · 04/08/2023 21:50

Everytime he goes on one of these evenings out, ask him to.put the same amount as he spends in a jar. This jar becomes your hobby fund, or class fund, or a fund for a trip 'back home' to spend time with your friends. He should not get all the social time and the money - you will very quickly hit resentment if that carries on.

ParisP · 04/08/2023 21:50

Can you join some mum baby/toddler groups? Get to know some of the nursery mums?

itsmylife7 · 04/08/2023 21:50

Get his family member to babysit even for 2 hours.

Join him and his friends for a drink.

He needs to realise you've given up a lot to move there with him.

Don't be afraid to say " actually I do mind, your acting like a single man and at the pub all the time "

Don't become a
doormat OP.

Mummumgem · 04/08/2023 21:51

You say he has family near by, could they not babysit so you can go out together?

LaMaG · 04/08/2023 21:55

If he isn't inviting you and deliberately excluding you then YANBU. If he asks you along and you are hesitating or finding excuses then YABU. I think if he brings someone to his home town he should be helping you integrate and in turn you need to see his old friends as your new ones. Eventually you'll find some of your own too but it i would expect the first step is you become part of his circle.

CrazyArmadilloLady · 04/08/2023 22:00

He should be making it easier for you to join these evenings - as others have said, can’t you get a babysitter? What about his parents - can they babysit?

Your DC are young, but you will soon have the opportunity to make friends at the school gate, if not at nursery.

Original poster

changedforthisthread2 · 04/08/2023 22:12

Thank you for the replies.

The babysitter is a good idea but our oldest has a medical condition that is well controlled but can be serious so we are a bit nervous about sitters. DH’s mum’s OH is unwell so she can’t watch the DC and his dad has dementia. (Part of the reason we’ve moved back). He has two sisters but they’re both single mums and work loads of nights so I don’t feel we can ask them.

The nights out are clearly intended to be child-free, in fact the female friend who invited him out tonight has come round to ours with her DC before and sometimes we meet at a park for the DC to socialise. But tonight was very much a child-free night out and so I wasn’t invited. I suppose I don’t feel cross exactly but do want to avoid resentment building. And it may be that once we’re a bit settled the nights out will decrease. And I know he’ll be home shortly and take both kids early in the morning so I can have a lie-in.

I should take up the offer of a course or hobby but I’m so knackered running after the DC, job searching, helping with elederly/unwell parents, I hardly have the energy to brush my teeth!

OP posts:

Hufflepods · 04/08/2023 22:14

Of course there’s the means for you to have a day or night off. It doesn’t have to be an expensive course.
Don’t martyr yourself, your DH is encouraging you to do things for yourself and instead your solution is that instead he shouldn’t do anything!

TeaKitten · 04/08/2023 22:16

How far away is the pub? I’ve seen the update about the medical condition but as it’s well controlled I’d still work to find a reliable babysitter that will call if there’s any issues, it’s worth it.

Dixiechickonhols · 04/08/2023 22:17

I’d focus on making friends. It sounds like dh is happy to have the children while you go. Hobby, sport, other mums at baby classes.

SequentialAnalyst · 04/08/2023 22:20

You do have a friend in that social group. One night how about you try going to the pub when she is there, and DH stays home?

Dixiechickonhols · 04/08/2023 22:23

If he’s at nursery would one of nursery staff babysit lots of as extra cash and you’d know they were qualified and used to dc.

Emmamoo89 · 04/08/2023 22:24

Yanbu x

CrazyArmadilloLady · 04/08/2023 22:35

I suppose I don’t feel cross exactly but do want to avoid resentment building.

You need to keep the lines of communication open, and it does sound like your DH is pushing you to do stuff - not easy, I know, when you don’t have your own circle.

You’re really in the trenches at the moment - two young DC, and in a new area. It won’t always be like this, and I definitely do encourage you to try to make friends through school.

I did this, and years later the kids have all moved on, but I have a great circle of friends.

It does take time, so don’t feel disheartened.

CherryMaDeara · 04/08/2023 22:38

but with me on mat leave and not returning to my job it doesn't feel I have much financial room to do so.

this is concerning. Aren’t your finances shared? If there’s money for him to go out drinking every week then there’s money for what you want to do as well.

Are you paying for childcare?

HerAvatar · 04/08/2023 23:01

TeaKitten · 04/08/2023 22:16

Firstly, this ⬆️ Going out as a couple is really important in your situation, you need to feel included and not as though DH has just slotted back into his previous social life with his old mates.

Secondly, can you not tell him how you're feeling? Presumably he realises it's going to be harder for you to feel like you fit in than him so you definitely need to be able to tell him what you need to make it easier.

And thirdly, do something about this, don't just let it keep happening until it's become routine for him and a source of resentment for you. He needs to be helping you get established and you need to be proactively telling him how

TrishM80 · 04/08/2023 23:47

Yabu. Going out for a few drinks in the local with his friends is hardly a crime.

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