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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be a bit annoyed with DH?

46 replies

changedforthisthread2 · 04/08/2023 21:35

We have a good relationship and generally happy. One baby, one DC in nursery. We've moved back to where DH grew up and I know no one here. Friends and family have been round for a natter and to help with DIY. All good there.

What's making me a bit cross is that DH is also invited for nights out. Nothing wild, just a couple pints at the local, he's home by midnight and not at all pissed. I understand he's happy to see old friends again (especially after lockdowns over the past years, we've hardly seen anyone), and he always asks me if it's alright if he goes. BUT I still feel a bit left out and jealous. It doesn't seem right to tell him he can't go, but at the same time I'm home on Friday night with the DC whilst he's out socialising. I don't have any friends here so I wouldn't have anyone to go with anyway, and haven't started working yet so perhaps I"m just feeling lonely generally. So as not to drip feed, friends are male and female, and there is one female friend who sort of makes me jealous, but I feel like a shrew for thinking that. (But maybe I shouldn't and I should worry? It sort of pings some alarm bells for me, but that may be due to a previous partner who cheated on me).

DH has encouraged me to regularly take a day or night off and find a hobby or course I'd like to try, but with me on mat leave and not returning to my job it doesn't feel I have much financial room to do so.

AIBU?

OP posts:

CrazyArmadilloLady · 05/08/2023 02:20

TrishM80 · 04/08/2023 23:47

Yabu. Going out for a few drinks in the local with his friends is hardly a crime.

The point is way up there, sky high above your head.

Keeley14 · 05/08/2023 02:28

But tonight was very much a child-free night out and so I wasn’t invited.

This is the bit from your update that would bother me, in your situation. The default parent status. You gave up your social life to move to his hometown and help his parents - he should be more thoughtful about how it’s impacted you. A good partner wouldn’t begrudge you saying you feel a bit sad and left out, and would be actively introducing you around and taking the lead on finding a sitter you can trust.

FinallyHere · 05/08/2023 03:06

don’t feel cross exactly but do want to avoid resentment building

I'd say that as he is on home ground, the priority should be for you to go out and start to meet people. I'm not suggesting it would be easy but my expectation would be that he would be helping you launch in a new community.

FCuk that sh*t of you stuck at home as the babysitter.

WomanHereHear · 05/08/2023 03:17

I’m in a similar boat and on Mat leave. I sometimes feel jealous re Dh social life and that’s okay it’s not his fault or your dh’s. I think it’s natural. I wouldn’t worry about the female friend tbh.
I’ve decided to join a gym and work on my fitness goals while Dh has the kids. It’s not a social life but I’m excited about doing something for me. Haven’t started yet but it’s having a good effect on my mental health just thinking about it. My husband fully understands I am without my own friends/family and social life and supports it. If he didn’t support me or I sensed him feeling resentful I would be nipping that in the bud right away. Don’t feel guilty, otherwise jealousy might escalate and you will start to feel resentful towards him. I’m sure he wouldn’t want that either.

WomanHereHear · 05/08/2023 03:23

OP just read your other comment. I would watch how much you are taking care of his parents. I come from a culture where we look after our parents and in laws but sometimes it becomes an unfair expectation especially where the women are concerned. If he has energy to socialise but you don’t because of all the ‘extra’ you do then there is something wrong there. You need to look after yourself too.

WomanHereHear · 05/08/2023 03:26

CherryMaDeara · 04/08/2023 22:38

but with me on mat leave and not returning to my job it doesn't feel I have much financial room to do so.

this is concerning. Aren’t your finances shared? If there’s money for him to go out drinking every week then there’s money for what you want to do as well.

Are you paying for childcare?

Yes this is important and I would make sure he’s financing things appropriately otherwise there are going to be bigger problems esp if not returning to work.

fullbloom87 · 05/08/2023 03:37

Op does your child have epilepsy by any chance? Only reason I say this is because my child has epilepsy and by what you said about it being controlled it just made me wonder.
It's hard leaving your child when they have a medical condition like this so Yanbu about the babysitter issue.
It's a tough one because resentment can build when one partner isn't being understood.
Is there no possible way you could advertise for a babysitter with qualifications like first aid etc? I really feel it's important that you get to join him sometimes on these evenings out especially as it's a mixed group. I can't see any other solution unless he turns round and makes the decision not to go which is highly unlikely.
Just remember OP you're important too and you've made huge sacrifices by moving

DivineLillith · 05/08/2023 03:56

Are you doing more care for his parents than he is?

This set up with the care and his socialising really has the potential to chip away at your relationship in a bad way. A death of a thousand cuts scenario. Plus the female friend, DH and I have mates of opposite sex and I’m not opposed to mixed sex relationships but that gut feeling your getting be aware of it.

Shoxfordian · 05/08/2023 06:07

It sounds like you’re doing more care of children and parents than he is generally so yanbu about that but you need to make your own friends, make some effort to have your own existence and not rely on him for a social life

Original poster

changedforthisthread2 · 05/08/2023 06:32

@Keeley14 thank you. Yes, he doesn’t begrudge me the time and opportunity to go out but logistically it’s just so challenging. He has suggested things but it just doesn’t feel like I have the mental space to plan right now.

@WomanHereHear thabk you, yes, it’s hard on mat leave. I reckon an excercise group or similar would be best for me. I’m quite close with his mum so happy to be a support for her but it is one more thing on my plate. I was also a nurse so I become a bit of the default resource for a lot of health related things in the family. I’m not doing any physical care but the mental load is heavy! DH also does some, but not nearly as much as I do.

OP posts:

BarbaraofSeville · 05/08/2023 07:12

WomanHereHear · 05/08/2023 03:26

Yes this is important and I would make sure he’s financing things appropriately otherwise there are going to be bigger problems esp if not returning to work.

Show quote history

Yes, don't fall into the trap of thinking that you can't spend money on yourself because you don't work and your DH does. You're looking after his DC while he's at work. Don't forget how much that would cost if you had to pay for childcare while you were both at work.

Can you keep on nursing doing bank shifts when your DH can look after DC? So you'll have extra money coming in, also keep up your qualifications which will make it easier to get back into work later on.

towriteyoumustlive · 05/08/2023 07:19

He goes out once a week with his mates and has no issue with you doing the same.

So all you now need to do is go make some friends and stop thinking of excuses why you can't. No money? Then volunteer with scouts/cubs/beavers as they're always desperate for helpers. Join a running group which are free.

Too tired? Getting out well help you! Sometimes you just have to make yourself go. I make myself go to the gym and always end up being glad I went!

goodpancake · 05/08/2023 07:46

I have this situation in reverse. My husband moved to where I come from. I have often felt guilty that I go out more than him because my friends are here and his are not.
it helped once he worked around here and he got work colleagues and work nights out. It also helped when he joined a football team. And now my DC are older he’s involved in the eldest’s football club. He occasionally goes out with my brother but he doesn’t really like my brother’s friends.
It’s taken about 7 years though for him to properly get stuck in. He used to moan a bit about it and I tried to find groups/clubs for him to join and suggest activities and he really resisted so I didn’t know how to help him.
nowadays when we are out and about he’s as likely to see someone he knows for a chat as I am. Ironically he is way more sociable and friendly than me.

Copperoliverbear · 05/08/2023 07:47

Go to the baby groups and meet some friends for yourself and start going out too, you are both untitled to a social life, just because you're parents your life doesn't have to stop. X

Strictlyfanoftenyears · 05/08/2023 07:49

Mmmmm so you are also looking after his parents that you moved to be nearer to....................................................

BatsHaveButtcheeks · 05/08/2023 08:04

On the face of it, moved back near old friends so catching up with him popping to a local pub on a Friday, not getting drunk, home at a reasonable time, then getting up early with the kids to give you a lay in, doesn't seem that bad. I do get it though, sitting back and watching someone having a social life whilst you don't currently have one must be hard. YABU on the female friend.

What is it you're wanting from him? To not go? Or not go as much? Or invite you if you're able to trust babysitters? If friends etc have been round to your house, is it just then going out part that's frustrating?

Toomuch2019 · 05/08/2023 09:27

I think YAB a bit U in this case. It doesn't seem like DH is doing anything wrong here and is encouraging you to do similar (so clearly he doesn't think the £ is an issue).

I know it's hard to have mental space to think about doing something when you've got small kids with needs. I get it can be scary starting something new someplace you don't know anyone. But you have to do this for yourself, it will make you feel better in the long term once you've taken the first step it well get easier,

FrenchBoule · 14/09/2023 21:38

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Kbroughton · 18/10/2023 06:58

I known im late to the party in this one but it resonated with me. I don't have anything add about your Dh, but you need to get yourself established in your own right rather than just try to integrate into his group. As someone who has just started again with nothing in a new town, there are some things I did that really helped me. Join Meetup. It's a national website where people create groups there will be something in your area, and a lot are on line. I am part of an online book club (among otheres) and at the beginning it really helped me feel less lonely. Join your local church group, even if you're not religious. There will be mother and baby groups and coffee morning guarneteed and you'll meet people. Look n facebook for local groups. I found a great one and there were LOADS of women on it who didn't have an establish friend group and I made some really good friends. Think of something you have always wanted to do and I gurabtee there will be a group on it. For me it was open water swimming. I am now a member of the blue tits and it's loads of fun. Nine months after i had to start again I have made some good friends and feel like I am part of the community and you can do it too. Xx

whittingtonmum · 18/10/2023 20:43

Tell him you want to go too and for him to organise and pay a babysitter so it's fair.

Brefugee · 18/10/2023 20:45

Don't be daft. He asks if it's ok with you, so say "no" now and again. And go out for the evening, or for a massage, or to a film or just get an early night.

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