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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sick baby - Should DP stay at home?

64 replies

Allthesweets · 04/08/2023 21:30

Hi all,

My 12 month old is poorly with an ear infection, has a fever and is now on antibiotics.

My mum/dad were supposed to be having DS tomorrow eve while we went to DP’s best friends 40th. I have now said I’m not going, as I don’t want to leave DS when he’s sick, plus unfair on my mum/dad.

DP is still wanting to go to the party and let me stay with my mum/dad, so they can help me with DS, who understandably needs a lot of comforting/taking care of. This has happened before when DS has been poorly and DP went out.

I’m a bit miffed that he’s happy to leave us but also understand that it’s his friends 40th. Happy to acknowledge if I’m being unreasonable to be miffed, just wondered what everyone else think?

Thanks

OP posts:
Overthebow · 04/08/2023 21:43

It’s his best friends birthday and your baby just had an ear infection. Not nice but it’s one night and really doesn’t need two parents there to look after him.

FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 04/08/2023 21:43

I understand why you would prefer to stay home with a poorly child, although it wouldn't be bad to leave him with grandparents if they are comfortable with it.

It definitely doesn't need both of you to stay home so DH may as well go to the party. I would ask him not to drink too much or get back too late because you may want him to take lead on parenting the next day if you have a wakeful night with poorly DS and need to switch out.

greenteaandmarshmallows · 04/08/2023 21:44

Allthesweets · 04/08/2023 21:42

Haha yes I can see the unreasonableness.

If DP stayed then I wouldn’t stay with mum/dad so not 4 of us.

I guess my miffedness was about him being happy to be away - party Is 3 hours away - when DS was poorly. But I did have a very traumatic birth, PTSD and PPD, so I’m very aware that that may be playing into this. And I don’t want to begrudge my DP with time with his best friend.

Ah this makes more sense now. It will be ok just have lots of snuggles with your DC

PurpleBananaSmoothie · 04/08/2023 21:45

I’m guessing you’re miffed because you feel you’re doing the bulk of the child rearing. You say he’s gone out before when DC is ill. So no, he shouldn’t miss his best friend’s 40th because baby has an ear infection. But if you aren’t getting a break, it’s easy to feel like this is yet another thing.

cdsxxa · 04/08/2023 21:46

We're your parents having your child for the evening or overnight whilst you went to the party?

cdsxxa · 04/08/2023 21:46
  • were, stupid phone
jeaux90 · 04/08/2023 21:48

Chalk it up OP as there will be plenty of occasions where you might need to go and he has to stay. It's a good precedence.

SnackSizeRaisin · 04/08/2023 21:51

Let him go and enjoy himself, but make sure you ask him to take over and give you a break when you need one.

Original poster
Allthesweets · 04/08/2023 21:51

Yes.

OP posts:
Emmamoo89 · 04/08/2023 21:52

Yabu

Original poster
Allthesweets · 04/08/2023 21:53

Yes I can totally see that. And don’t want to be controlling at all.

OP posts:
applesandmares · 04/08/2023 21:53

Is it because it's kind of unfathomable to you that you'd leave your baby when poorly, so it seems weird that he's happy to?

Original poster
Allthesweets · 04/08/2023 21:55

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 04/08/2023 21:42

If you flip the situation, people would be calling him controlling if he wanted you to stay home and miss your best mates big birthday celebration to help look after 1 baby with an ear infection

Yes I can totally see that and I don’t want to be controlling at all. I imagine my anxiety is playing into this more than I thought it was.

OP posts:
Original poster
Allthesweets · 04/08/2023 21:56

Yes there’s definitely an element of that. Maybe a perception that you’d have to not care enough to do that. But also get it’s just an ear infection and this is looking quite dramatic.

OP posts:
rcat74 · 04/08/2023 22:03

It is hard looking after a sick baby and it can be worrying too and it is reassuring to have your partner there so I understand why you want him to stay home. I think men see things differently. My husband did the same to me and went to a wedding when our daughter was ill. I think they worry more about what other people will think if they say they are not coming because their child is ill…

gentlemum · 04/08/2023 22:04

Allthesweets · 04/08/2023 21:42

Haha yes I can see the unreasonableness.

If DP stayed then I wouldn’t stay with mum/dad so not 4 of us.

I guess my miffedness was about him being happy to be away - party Is 3 hours away - when DS was poorly. But I did have a very traumatic birth, PTSD and PPD, so I’m very aware that that may be playing into this. And I don’t want to begrudge my DP with time with his best friend.

Remember that dads tend to feel differently to mums. Making an assumption.. he's been going out to work whilst you've been on maternity leave so he's used to leaving baby whilst you're used to always being there. Don't see it as he's happy to be away whilst baby's unwell - he's got pre-existing plans for a special occasion and it's a minor childhood illness. I'm sure it's not the first and it won't be the last. I get the anxiety, but if you're with your parents and have their support for the time he's away, do you really want him to miss out on his best friend's special birthday. What will that achieve other than you all sitting miserably together?

Hufflepods · 04/08/2023 22:08

It’s just an ear infection, it’s not like your child is in hospital and he’s fucked off. Children will get sick all the time, it’s not realistic for both parents to never do anything when there’s a mild illness.

snorkmaiden7 · 04/08/2023 22:08

I think you are just being over sensitive. I'm sure you realise in reality he's not needed. Are you just unhappy that you don't get to go? Or are you reading into it that he doesn't care about you and your son enough? I wouldn't mind my DH going unless there was a chance of my daughter becoming seriously unwell and needing hospital etc

ChekhovsMum · 04/08/2023 22:08

I can understand you’re miffed if he’s been out in these circumstances before, but you never have. However, the better each of you can keep up your social lives, the better for everyone in the long run, and there will be plenty of other baby illnesses. Perhaps next time the baby is sick there will be a social commitment you just can’t miss, and he’ll have to stay home.

HelloGoodbye92 · 04/08/2023 22:08

I don’t think your partner is being unreasonable at all. I don’t understand why you need your mum and dad there either to be quite honest- it’s one baby with an ear infection.

NewName122 · 04/08/2023 22:11

Yabvu, it doesn't take 2 people does it. You are being ridiculous.

Rainallnight · 04/08/2023 22:13

Baby might be loads better by tomorrow evening after a couple of days on antibiotics, which would make all of this moot.

Olika · 04/08/2023 22:23

My husband left me with our sick baby and went to a 40th bday party without us and it really upset me but nothing I could do about it. Next day I had forgotten about it. It's not that bad thing in the end of the day.

Tandora · 04/08/2023 22:29

Aw bless you OP, I can totally understand the mindset you are in. I think as mums the idea of leaving our sick baby’s side is unfathomable, especially when it’s a first baby (in my experience you get more relaxed / less anxious about these things with the second plus ☺️) . it’s horrible seeing the little ones sick as they are so tiny still and seem so vulnerable, but they are so much more robust that we realise. The reality is your baby has a mild, common childhood illness and your partner would look a bit silly to cancel a special occasion just for that. Babies do get nasty fevers- a lot. You DP isn’t being uncaring he’s just being a bit more rational / less emotional about the situation, and he knows his baby has all they need right now with mum 🥰. Having said that, I’d still go to your parents if you are comfortable there , as looking after a feverish baby can be emotionally stressful and exhausting , so it’s great to have some support / reinforcements, not to look after baby but to look after you xx

Hummingbird89 · 04/08/2023 22:39

Agree with the majority, YABU. But you seem to have really taken advice on board, OP, good for you.
Hopefully your little one will have really turned a corner tomorrow and you can both go and enjoy the party 👍🏻