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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is he cheating?

32 replies

ImthatBoleyngirl · 04/08/2023 17:06

Sorry if it's too long, I just don't want to drip feed.

Me and OH have been together 14 years and have 2 DC ages 9 and 11.

We've always been able to talk about anything. The only issue is that I have a low sex drive due to my meds.

I asked if he would install Life 360 in case he broke down etc. All my friends and their husbands use Find my Friends so I thought it was quite normal, but he said he doesn't want to be stalked. Fair enough, I just didn't see why it was such a big deal if we knew where each other were.

This made me realise how for the past 6 months he's been really secretive with his phone, which he never was before. I noticed he was following lots of half dressed models on instagram. I teased him about it and he got really defensive.

Last night my phone was being stupid so I asked to borrow his (honestly not spying, I needed to buy tickets quickly) and he said no. When I asked why, he said "I don't know" and then gave me the following excuses:

  1. I just don't want you looking at my phone
  2. I don't want you reading my messages
  3. There might be inappropriate conversation with mates or stuff like porn

I got upset and cried and he just said "Why are you crying?" quite scornfully. He would usually comfort me.

Then he said some of the girls he follows on Insta told him that I'd sent requests to follow them, he said he assumed it was so I could interrogate them. I honestly hadn't!! Then he kind of brushed it off like he'd been lying to try to get me to admit something.

A few more things to mention are:

He's being investigated for not doing his full hours at work

He's been going to the gym loads

Is trying to lose weight

This is all so out of character for him and it's the first time I've been suspicious in 14 years.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 04/08/2023 17:09

He's not being very subtle, is he? It's pretty much the Cheater's textbook.

Verv · 04/08/2023 17:09

YANBU

Ihaveoflate · 04/08/2023 17:12

Classic signs.

My husband checked all these and more when he was cheating but I only realised with hindsight.

Emmamoo89 · 04/08/2023 17:37

YANBU X

ArcticSkewer · 04/08/2023 17:42

yanbu

Do you want to know or are you happy to continue with the 'maybe' and turn a blind eye?

If you want to know, then stop asking questions and acting suspicious til you can get a proper look at his phone. He is probably already covering his tracks

ManateeFair · 04/08/2023 17:58

Well, it definitely sounds like there's something going on, yes. Whether it's cheating or not is another matter. But there's obviously something he's doing that he wants to cover up.

FallopianTubeTrain · 04/08/2023 18:02

What's his explanation for not being at work?

Pompom2367 · 04/08/2023 18:04

Yanbu that would be a red flag for me we are very open with our phones

Seasideanticscanleadtosandybuckets · 04/08/2023 18:05

He is missing work to shag ow..
Nuff said...

whatamess100 · 04/08/2023 18:15

Cheating.

Original poster
ImthatBoleyngirl · 04/08/2023 18:29

Aquamarine1029 · 04/08/2023 17:09

He's not being very subtle, is he? It's pretty much the Cheater's textbook.

That's what I thought 😢

OP posts:
Original poster
ImthatBoleyngirl · 04/08/2023 18:30

ArcticSkewer · 04/08/2023 17:42

yanbu

Do you want to know or are you happy to continue with the 'maybe' and turn a blind eye?

If you want to know, then stop asking questions and acting suspicious til you can get a proper look at his phone. He is probably already covering his tracks

I want to know. He's being all nice and normal but I'm struggling to even look him in the eye.

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 04/08/2023 18:33

To be honest, he sounds like an absolute sleazebag. What a load of crap he's talking about those women on Instagram, telling him that you are following them.

He is definitely following all the cheating rules. What's the financial situation like? Has he been spending more money lately?

What would your life be like if you lived separately?

Original poster
ImthatBoleyngirl · 04/08/2023 18:36

FallopianTubeTrain · 04/08/2023 18:02

What's his explanation for not being at work?

He manages teams at a couple of locations and also takes calls at home so he says that the whistleblower wouldn't have a clue how many hours he works. Some days he works loads of hours (so he says) and other days he's home earlier for the school run. It's hard to keep track of.

OP posts:
Original poster
ImthatBoleyngirl · 04/08/2023 18:37

Pompom2367 · 04/08/2023 18:04

Yanbu that would be a red flag for me we are very open with our phones

That's how we used to be. He wouldn't think twice about chucking me his phone to use.

OP posts:
Original poster
ImthatBoleyngirl · 04/08/2023 18:45

I have no idea how to check his phone either, he changed his password 😞

OP posts:
C1N1C · 04/08/2023 18:50

Test for any marriage... ask for their phone.

I could hand over my phone to my wife ANY time and not be worried. Sure, if this followed an argument, I might be having a moan to my friend about her, but nothing incriminating.

If you ask him again and he says things like "don't you trust me" and gets angry or guilt-trips you, sure sign.

Pottedpalm · 04/08/2023 18:54

Cheating.

GiddyGladys · 04/08/2023 19:05

Yeah sorry but that's not looking good

Morewineplease10 · 04/08/2023 19:10

Yanbu.
You need to have a good snoop or get air tags. Not ethical but necessary!

And pretend everything is fine so he's less vigilant.

Easier said than done.

winterchills · 04/08/2023 19:19

To me it definitely sounds like hes up to no good and not even trying very hard to hide it! Get rid x

Original poster
ImthatBoleyngirl · 04/08/2023 19:20

Thank you for all your responses, I'm glad I'm not going crazy!

OP posts:
Original poster
ImthatBoleyngirl · 04/08/2023 19:20

Morewineplease10 · 04/08/2023 19:10

Yanbu.
You need to have a good snoop or get air tags. Not ethical but necessary!

And pretend everything is fine so he's less vigilant.

Easier said than done.

I have to admit, I did think of air tags 🤣

OP posts:
okiedokie1 · 04/08/2023 20:37

Air tags won't work. If he has an iPhone, he will get a notification that there is a tag nearby

Neyon · 04/08/2023 20:41

I don't like giving my phone to anyone, even DP. Nothing bad on it and never cheated in my life, I just don't like it. That said, if he needed it or I wanted to show him something, I'd just chuck it to him, and vice versa. Both quite happy leaving our phones lying around the house and we have the same passcode so would be easy to gain access to the other's phone! I think that's pretty normal, being secretive along with everything else you mentioned sounds very suspicious.