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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is he ever going to commit to me or am I just wasting my time?

48 replies

DatingMumLife6838 · 04/08/2023 13:29

I’ve been dating a guy for 5 months now, but he isn’t ready to make it ‘official’ yet and actually put a label on things.

He said it’s because he is scared of committing to someone again because he has been treated really badly by exes which I know about, but that he is sure about me, he is just building himself up for that next step.

Me on the other hand, I’ve also been treated horrendously by exes which is why I’ve stayed single for 4-5 years before this, but I am ready to take that next step and I’m too old (30) to be stuck in this ‘situation’ that never seems to be moving forward.

I really do like the guy, apart from this issue, he is perfect and we get on so well in every single way. So I keep thinking ‘I’ll give him a few more weeks then see where things stand’ and again, nothing moves forward or changes.

Do I hold out because he is genuinely worried about being hurt again or is he just using this as an excuse and I’m just wasting my time?

OP posts:
Original poster
DatingMumLife6838 · 04/08/2023 14:18

Bump x

OP posts:
RocketPanda · 04/08/2023 14:20

Sounds like he's just stringing you along.

Andywarholswig · 04/08/2023 14:21

Bin him - it’s all about him and what he wants and needs and that doesn’t bode well for the future

BibbleandSqwauk · 04/08/2023 14:22

Nope, move on. Or at least make moves too and see what happens but be prepared to actually do it. It may give him the impetus he needs but if not, you know where you stand. My friend wasted her fertility on two different guys who did this. By the time she finally gave up it was "too late".

WashableVelvet · 04/08/2023 14:23

What does official mean here?
If it means moving in together - too soon, he’s sensible, keep him
If it means stopping also seeing other people - he’s stringing you along, throw him back

Eudaimonia5 · 04/08/2023 14:23

Walk away even if you dumping him suddenly prompts him to want to commit. There are other men out there who will want a relationship without bringing previous baggage into it. Like you said, you've had bad experiences in relationships yourself but you've taken the time to heal and have moved forward. He hasn't.

WeetabixTowels · 04/08/2023 14:24

Ick. Blaming other women for his issues so he can effectively stay single and have you on standby? No thanks - nobody with any self worth should put up with this shit.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/08/2023 14:26

He said it’s because he is scared of committing to someone again because he has been treated really badly by exes which I know about

FFS, run for your life. He needs a therapist and you ain't it. Stop wasting your time with emotionally unavailable men.

TreatYoBookShelf · 04/08/2023 14:26

One piece of advice which I was given in regards to dating, is that if a man wants to be with you, he will be with you no matter what. As women we are very good at making up every excuse in the book and giving the benefit of the doubt to guys who just simply aren't that bothered about us. It may seem harsh initially, but it is actually very freeing, you will stop wasting your time on guys who don't deserve it.

If a guy really cares about you...you will know. He will make it obvious and do everything to be with you. You deserve someone who is sure that they want to take the next step, regardless of past exes.

Original poster
DatingMumLife6838 · 04/08/2023 14:28

So official in the sense of actually saying yes, we’re in a relationship, whereas now he will openly say well we’re not actually together, etc.

I feel like he still wants me to act as though we’re together - so he doesn’t want me seeing or speaking to anyone else, wants me to support him through stuff etc - but just keeps making excuses when talking about actually being together and making that commitment.

I do sometimes feel like he is stringing me along incase one of his exes want him back, or someone better comes along, it just sucks because I really really do like the guy quite a lot…

OP posts:
DelphiniumBlue · 04/08/2023 14:28

This is nonsense. Almost everyone over 18 has a failed relationship in their past, which will have involved being hurt.
After 5 months he can't commit to being your boyfriend?
It's a terrible excuse, and he is playing you.

tescocreditcard · 04/08/2023 14:28

Hmm, i'll share a lot of things - but I'm not sharing my lover with anyone.

I guess it just boils down to whether you mind sharing yours?

BigPussyEnergy · 04/08/2023 14:31

Depends on what you both mean by commitment. Being exclusive, yeah fuck that, if he’s still shagging other women after 5 months he’s not that into you. If you mean going Facebook official, I’d be wondering why he didn’t want people to know, but not that big a deal. If you want talk of a future and moving in etc then he’s right to take it steady.

Also depends if you want (more) kids. At your age you don’t want to waste time with men who aren’t on the same page.

For someone whose family is complete and fertility isn’t an issue, wasting time isn’t such a big deal. I’d happily spend 6 months getting to know someone at this stage of my life because there’s no rush to lock it down or know where it’s going.

BigPussyEnergy · 04/08/2023 14:32

Sorry x post. No, bin him. He’s actively saying you’re not together? Twat.

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/08/2023 14:32

he will openly say well we’re not actually together

Oh please. But he wants you to act like his GF and not shag anyone else?

If he was honest he wouldn't say, "I'm not ready to commit", he's say, "I'm a selfish arse who wants all the benefits of a relationship without me having to put any work in. I'd like to be able to shag someone else guilt free but you can't. I'm manipulative, selfish and lazy."

Would you date that bloke? I wouldn't.

Weefreetiffany · 04/08/2023 14:32

So he wants you to do all of the emotional labour but get none of the perks? Nahhh throw this one back.

Sandra1984 · 04/08/2023 14:35

He’s getting the best of both worlds, having his cake and eating it too. He gets all the benefits of having a loyal girlfriend waiting for him while enjoying singledom. I believe he has other “shenanigans” going on. I would give him a deadline: we make it official by the 15th of August or you walk out and move on with your life.

Sandra1984 · 04/08/2023 14:37

Personally I would just bin him. Men are no species in extinction.

TheFlis12345 · 04/08/2023 14:40

He’s 100% stringing you along. He wants all the benefits of your relationship while keeping his options open in case someone else comes along. Ditch him.

Thepeopleversuswork · 04/08/2023 14:40

In principle yes anyone who is trying to hedge their bets isn’t worthy of you.

As others say though what does that mean? If it means he wants to see others then no fuck that. If it means having to put your Facebook status as “in a relationship” I couldn’t get too excited about that. Five months isn’t that long in the lifetime of a relationship.

Mum198000 · 04/08/2023 14:40

Bin him right now. No man worth anything does this. You are wasting your time.

MintJulia · 04/08/2023 14:41

WashableVelvet · 04/08/2023 14:23

What does official mean here?
If it means moving in together - too soon, he’s sensible, keep him
If it means stopping also seeing other people - he’s stringing you along, throw him back

This.

JessyBlooms · 04/08/2023 14:45

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

usernother · 04/08/2023 14:50

This is a perfect example of the ridiculous thing now that people aren't boyfriend and girlfriend unless they make it 'official' usually by the man asking the woman to be his girlfriend. It seems like it's just a easy cop out for people to be able to shag around, and/or go out with other people while still having someone regular on the side.
Do yourself a favour and dump him. He's using you to wait until someone he thinks is better comes along. You deserve better.

GulfCoastBeachGirl · 04/08/2023 14:53

whereas now he will openly say well we’re not actually together, etc.

He's keeping his options open. If this is where he's at after 5 months of "dating" (?) then don't expect him to change.

If you're interested in commitment you're likely wasting your time with this one.

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