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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is he ever going to commit to me or am I just wasting my time?

48 replies

DatingMumLife6838 · 04/08/2023 13:29

I’ve been dating a guy for 5 months now, but he isn’t ready to make it ‘official’ yet and actually put a label on things.

He said it’s because he is scared of committing to someone again because he has been treated really badly by exes which I know about, but that he is sure about me, he is just building himself up for that next step.

Me on the other hand, I’ve also been treated horrendously by exes which is why I’ve stayed single for 4-5 years before this, but I am ready to take that next step and I’m too old (30) to be stuck in this ‘situation’ that never seems to be moving forward.

I really do like the guy, apart from this issue, he is perfect and we get on so well in every single way. So I keep thinking ‘I’ll give him a few more weeks then see where things stand’ and again, nothing moves forward or changes.

Do I hold out because he is genuinely worried about being hurt again or is he just using this as an excuse and I’m just wasting my time?

OP posts:

BrightGreenMoonBuggy · 04/08/2023 14:56

So, what he is saying is he wants all of the benefits of a relationship - a person to go on dates with, sex, your fidelity…but also the flexibility to say he’s not currently in a relationship if he finds himself being asked that question.

You aren’t asking to move in. You just want to know if he considers himself ‘not single’. If he won’t say this after five months, it’s because he wants to be able to keep an eye out for other women. Absolute garbage about his exes being the reason.

YukoandHiro · 04/08/2023 14:57

DatingMumLife6838 · 04/08/2023 14:28

So official in the sense of actually saying yes, we’re in a relationship, whereas now he will openly say well we’re not actually together, etc.

I feel like he still wants me to act as though we’re together - so he doesn’t want me seeing or speaking to anyone else, wants me to support him through stuff etc - but just keeps making excuses when talking about actually being together and making that commitment.

I do sometimes feel like he is stringing me along incase one of his exes want him back, or someone better comes along, it just sucks because I really really do like the guy quite a lot…

Bin him. You are together. He just wants to keep his options open.

ChildrenOfTheQuorn · 04/08/2023 14:57

So official in the sense of actually saying yes, we’re in a relationship, whereas now he will openly say well we’re not actually together, etc.

At 30, I would be mortified by this.

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/08/2023 15:08

Communication is key: Have an open and honest conversation with your partner about your feelings and concerns. Express your desire for a committed relationship and ask him to share his perspective. Clear communication can help you understand each other's fears and intentions better.

He's not her partner. He's made that clear. And if he wants to be a fuck buddy, great. But she's not rehab for sad men.

I wouldn't do any of what was in your post. I would have clear boundaries, which include not being messed around. Some people naturally do what all those books tell you to do, value yourself, not accept nonsense and move on quickly if someone doesn't want the same thing.

Begging for scraps won't make a good relationship even if he does stay.

Waterweir · 04/08/2023 15:12

Do you already have a child/children? Does he?

Dotcheck · 04/08/2023 15:15

Ah, fast forward to when your best friend calls to say that she’s seen him at a club snogging someone else. He’ll get off on a technicality because ‘you were never officially together’.
You'll tie yourself in knots because ‘he was honest, and I guess we weren’t together’.

Fizzology · 04/08/2023 15:15

Don't bother dumping him. Apparently there is no relationship to end.

Just be unavailable, don't call him or reply, and look around for someone else to date.

CaptainJackSparrow85 · 04/08/2023 15:18

Yes, he’s 100% stringing you along, and that ‘we’re not actually together’ comment is mortifying.

I know you’re only 30 but don’t waste your fertile years on a man like this.

AMuser · 04/08/2023 15:20

He doesn’t value you. He’s a twat. Move on.

Consider also that he may offer going official to keep you. But that will always be tainted. His immature.

Original poster

DatingMumLife6838 · 04/08/2023 15:21

Thank you for all of the advice! 💐

To answer a question PP asked - I have a child, he doesn’t, however I would like more and apparently he would too but if he can’t even commit to a relationship how is he going to commit to anything else in the future…

Yeah I’m not going to bother with a long speech or whatever like before, he only tries to reel me back in anyway, so I’m going to just be unavailable and open up my options again to find someone else and leave him to it!

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/08/2023 15:21

he will openly say well we’re not actually together, etc... he doesn’t want me seeing or speaking to anyone else

I'd just like to highlight these two things. Have cake, eat it.

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/08/2023 15:23

I’m going to just be unavailable

And in future, be clear. No cake and eating it. You are worth more than that. Make sure everyone knows it.

GulfCoastBeachGirl · 04/08/2023 15:26

Look at it this way: Is there any reason that a man that you've been seeing for 5 months isn't willing to publicly admit that he's dating you that isn't completely demeaning?

*He's embarrassed
*Keeping his options open
*Seeing other women
*Not really interested

If that's OK with you then carry on; you're an adult after all. To me it would be a self-esteem killer and no man is worth that.

Dillydollydingdong · 04/08/2023 15:29

I was astonished that you'd put up with this, OP. He's clearly not into you. My bf told me I was his gf after just a few weeks. Whether we'll ever take it any further, who knows? But at least I know he hasn't got anyone else lurking in the shadows.

Draconis · 04/08/2023 15:29

You feel like he's stringing you along because he is. You know. Listen to your instincts.

Sandra1984 · 04/08/2023 15:34

DatingMumLife6838 · 04/08/2023 15:21

Thank you for all of the advice! 💐

I strongly disagree, you need to make this clear with him, becoming "unavailable" with no explanation will have him pestering you. just tell him this relationship is not working for you and you need some space, to get back to you in a couple of months. Date other guys and don't see him for that time.

AmazingSnakeHead · 04/08/2023 15:39

If I were you I would just tell him straight, face to face. "I've had a good time but I'm now looking for a more serious commitment. You've made it clear that you're not looking for that just now, so it's best call it a day." If he tells you just a few more weeks give me time, you smile politely and reiterate that you're looking for something now. Don't phrase it as a question to him, or it will look like a "move".

FinallyHere · 04/08/2023 19:35

Oh lovely, I wouldn't be happy with that. In order for me to relax and enjoy intimacy, I need to feel secure in my bonding with a partner. I'm not saying everyone had to do what I do, just that what you describe, with you being 'keener' than him would just not work for me.

As PP have said, he is hedging his bets. He is also dangling the promise of DC at some point in the future.

If he wanted you, you would already know it and he would be keen to keeping others away. I'm so sorry, but think of it as having dodged a bullet.

Royalbloo · 04/08/2023 19:46

Sorry but that's not a good sign. I'd keep moving and wish him well

LetMeEnfoldYou · 04/08/2023 19:52

I can't believe that:

A - men still pull the 'scared to commit' crap, and
B - women still put up with it

Guiltyfeethavegotnorhythm0 · 04/08/2023 19:55

Don't have children until you are married , no ring -no children .

ChristmasFluff · 04/08/2023 20:12

This is another one of those times when this video is really relevant:

I'd go further than being unavailable - I'd properly end it so you both know where you stand and you can find someone who does want to commit to you.

BrawnWild · 04/08/2023 20:15

Making yourself unavailable is game playing.

He isnt meeting your needs. He doesnt need an ultimatum. You dont need to drag the horse to water. Just actually move on instead of pretending to to try and pique his interest.

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