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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH buying something different

31 replies

Lila83 · 04/08/2023 10:17

Hello

wondering if IABU or not…

for some reason whoever DH goes to supermarket and asks any requests he always comes back with something different for some reason and it’s kind of annoying. but soemtimes I don’t understand the reasons - soemtimes he just says “oh I thought you’d prefer this” and if I say “you know I’m not keen on that” he might say “I know I just thought you might fancy a change..” so what’s the point in asking me then?!
or he’ll ask me to choose dinner, and then come back with something totally different- again why ask me?!
so yesterday I asked if he could get the plain Kellogg’s wheat bites for our toddler and said it’s because they are low on sugar and our toddler likes plain (and gets enough sugar from fruit and we don’t deny at parties so it’s not like they are deprived).
DH came back with chocolate pillows?!!
why? I’d get it if our toddler wouldn’t eat enough, but our toddler is a good and healthy eater so I don’t know why DH always brings back the sugar filled and processed versions and they’ll he’ll say “but that’s what kids like”. But doesn’t he see our little one eating?!!
I think he goes by what his older kids like - but sometimes they even keep asking him not to get certain things ie jam - he always gets them seedless jam but they have preferred the ones with seeds for years and he’s seems to keep forgetting this lol thinking kids don’t like seeds. It’s not even like he eats the stuff he’s buying.l so I don’t get it.

anyway like I say I’m not depriving, but why introduce less healthy versions when my toddler is fine to eat the regular versions. This happens quite often and I find it more annoying where my toddler is concerned. :/

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 04/08/2023 10:20

Sounds like food is a bit of a battle ground in many ways

TempName247 · 04/08/2023 10:26

He sounds like a knob

underneaththeash · 04/08/2023 10:29

I had this issue with DH too, either that or he'd come back with multiples of the items I'd sent him for and then we'd have no where to put it, or they'd go out of date.

I solved it by leaving the children with him and going to the supermarket myself. On the rare occasion he does go, I expressly describe the item needed ie - buy Bonne Mamam Raspberry Conserve with seeds in a 380g and take a photo of it. That works about 50% of the time.

He is utterly useless with anything household, but very good at earning money, so I can forgive him.

GarlicGrace · 04/08/2023 10:36

So when he goes shopping, he knows what the family wants/needs yet deliberately gets other stuff instead?

At a wild guess, he sees you as a kind of parent he's sneakily rebelling against, having an evil little chuckle at his genius near-misses.

Simultaneously, he's doing feigned incompetence, you know that thing where men pretend they can't do home-related tasks so you give up asking them?

I don't know how you'd fix this, other than ordering online & having him pick it up. But I despise him for this, and I don't live with him! How have you not burst a blood vessel (preferably one of his)?!

Whadda · 04/08/2023 10:37

He is utterly useless with anything household, but very good at earning money, so I can forgive him.

Translation:

My husband is a grown adult and competent employee who can master more than the basic tasks at work.
At home, he weaponises his incompetence so that basic household tasks such as buying food fall to me. On the rare occasion he does buy groceries, I have to spoon feed him enough information that I may as well have just done it myself in the first place.

tescocreditcard · 04/08/2023 11:37

It's deliberate. The reason he's asking you what you want is to make sure he doesn't get it.

Do you have Deliveroo? I solved this by sending for the item via Deliveroo when he came back without it. It once cost him 6.95 for mint sauce😂

PinkArt · 04/08/2023 11:48

When he says something like “oh I thought you’d prefer this” ask him why he's so arrogant to think he knows what you want better than you do. This would drive me nuts and I'd have to call it out every time. Why did you ask, why did you ignore me, why did you think you knew better...
Honesty he sounds like an asshole who is trying to assert control, safe in the knowledge that I'd you get angry he can be all "jeez it's only jam".

LardoBurrows · 04/08/2023 11:54

He sounds fucking thick, let's hope your child hasn't inherited his 'thick' genes.

Cazzovuoi · 04/08/2023 12:06

The amount of wilful incompetence by men and women giving tips to mitigate it on this forum is astounding.

How on earth do you find these pathetic man babies attractive?

Goldbar · 04/08/2023 12:09

If my husband did that, he'd be getting chocolate pillows for dinner every day for a week (assuming a world where I even cooked for him in the first place 😂!).

In your situation, I would bag up any incorrect non-perishable items to be donated to the food bank and give them to him to hand in at his next shop (our supermarket is always collecting). He will hopefully come to appreciate the stupidity of deliberately buying incorrect items when he sees the money going down the drain and in the meantime hopefully the unwanted stuff will find a good home.

Magneta · 04/08/2023 12:09

I think you've had very insightful replies.

I think this weaponised incompetence idea is touted too often. We all make mistakes, forget things, are lazy. However here it sounds spot on, like he's coming from a nasty place of deliberate game playing and lack of respect.

However proceed with caution. Don't just fight over chocolate pillows and seedless jam, this is about respect. Don't, whatever you do, end up doing all the shopping or only "allow" him to buy things you've heavily specified. You still need him to function as a grown adult, just one who treats you with more respect.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 04/08/2023 12:15

The amount of wilful incompetence by men and women giving tips to mitigate it on this forum is astounding.

How on earth do you find these pathetic man babies attractive?

^This. Though they seem divided into pathetic man babies and controlling dickheads.

Either he's doing it on purpose to teach you not to 'tell him what to do' or he's incompetent.

tattygrl · 04/08/2023 12:27

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 04/08/2023 12:15

The amount of wilful incompetence by men and women giving tips to mitigate it on this forum is astounding.

How on earth do you find these pathetic man babies attractive?

^This. Though they seem divided into pathetic man babies and controlling dickheads.

Either he's doing it on purpose to teach you not to 'tell him what to do' or he's incompetent.

Yep, this. If this was a thread about how to teach young kids to pick things up from a shop I'd get it. Grown men? Nope.

This would utterly drive me round the bend and honestly don't know if I could stick around. What a piss take.

Gymnopedie · 04/08/2023 13:23

OP what he's telling you is that your opinions/wishes don't count and he makes the decisions in your house. It's a form of control, and while this may be an obvious example I bet if you think about it there are other instances of him ignoring you.

Bonfire23 · 04/08/2023 13:30

He's being ridiculous. I don't even live with my dad but if I send a shopping list he can get it for me. Sometimes he adds stuff I might like but only once he's got the stuff I actually want
And if he isn't sure about an item he will ask me
(He had to shop for me when I had covid)

saltinesandcoffeecups · 04/08/2023 14:03

Does he like the seedless jam, chocolate pillows, and alternative dinner? Do you ask him what he prefers when you shop? Did the kids enjoy the chocolate pillows?

Not taking his side just looking for more context.

TheFlis12345 · 04/08/2023 14:10

I would be insisting he goes back to the shop and buys what you actually asked for.

Original poster
Lila83 · 05/08/2023 08:01

Thanks everyone. Some good suggestions, and funny lol.
good to know I’m not being crazy! I was starting to feel like I’m ungrateful if I complain.
anyway, I had a chat with DH and told him me or LO will not be eating the chocolate pillows and he hasn’t prepared lunch for work today, because he’s taking a box of chocolate pillows!
he did try the whole “oh I thought I was doing something good but as usual for it wrong etc etc”
So I said ok from now on I’ll shop for me and baby and he can shop for him and his older kids, he said no no I’ll go back tomorrow and get what you asked for…
(FYI he does the food shop because other things I pay, including toiletries/clothes etc for his teen girls - but I said if I have to start buying everything on my own for baby then he can start getting everything for the older girls lol).

OP posts:
Hollyppp · 05/08/2023 08:35

My husband sometimes does this.

I find it’s easier if I rarely ask him to food shop and if I do I write a super specific list. I’ve also thrown away something sugary he bought instead of the plain version for toddler so he got the message.

I tend to do all the shopping myself and it’s easier

Burnamer · 05/08/2023 08:38

Hang on, so there’s no shared finances?
it sounds like you have handled the shopping which is great. I wonder if it’s more to do with some dynamic around his kids / joint kid?

Calvinlookingforhobbes · 05/08/2023 08:41

Exactly what @Whadda said. I honestly don’t think I’d cope with this kind of behaviour in my life.

WingBingo · 05/08/2023 08:46

My DH does this and it is so frustrating

he is the SAHP and I have no time to shop so he stays in control.

I really need to find time to do an online shop.

yesterday I needed a bog standard bottle of bleach and he brought home a fancy spray for cleaning that contained a little bleach.

I do wish I’d sent him back for what I actually asked for.

Mummy08m · 05/08/2023 08:48

Yeah this sounds more like he's being wilful or thinks he knows better, rather than incompetence.

Fwiw, incompetence is not always "strategic". I really enjoy going to the big sainsburys but I get flustered because I forget where the eggs are and have to retrace my steps constantly so it takes ages and inevitably leave a couple of things off the list by accident. Dh mostly goes now, he always gets the exact right thing plus some well chosen extras and he can do it quickly. I just think some people (eg me) get sensory overwhelm in supermarkets. Why are the eggs so far from the dairy? Right the other end? And the aisle for table sauces is so far from the aisle for cooking sauces and I never know what category a spicy sauce is. And then the tea section (or indeed cereal) has so much overwhelming choice. In my case it's not weaponised incompetence. It's just incompetence lol.

But yes in your dh's case, he wants to seem like the fun dad and buy your kids treat versions even though the kids don't need or want them.

LightSpeeds · 05/08/2023 08:53

He doesn't care enough to get it right, doesn't want to follow your 'orders', or he's just thick. (Or all three.)

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