Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not talk to mum despite cancer

28 replies

mothercancer · 03/08/2023 22:37

NCd for this as potentially outing
I went NC with my parents 18 months ago
I have to be vague with the reasons here but scape goat/golden child with sibling, her narcissistic tendencies and need to control every aspect of my life finally came to a head.
My life has changed dramatically since NC- im happy with who I am, have a job I love, a partner and have finally walked away from my addiction issues which I used as a crutch when i couldnt cope with my mum.
Changed numbers social media when I went NC but im still living in the same place .
Got a phone call from DP telling me to come home straight from work (was going to the gym and then drinks with a friend afterwards) as we needed to talk. Long story short- my sibling had knocked on the door and told my DP that my mum has just been diagnosed with cancer. No other info given- prognosis, type etc and requesting I get in touch to help "share the load".
I will say I have been no angel in the past and have put my mum and dad through a lot but through extensive therapy/my own research ive realised its due to childhood trauma they inflicted on me
I cant deal with her. I know i will fall back in to addiction, get stressed and take it out on DP/not perform at work.
AIBU to stay NC to save my own life?

OP posts:
Anothernamethesamegame · 03/08/2023 22:40

YANBU - Do what you feel is the right choice for you.

Chickenkeev · 03/08/2023 22:43

I haven't rtwt, but i know this feeling. I didn't speak to my father but it caused me quite a lot of shit when he died. But it depends if you have anything to say to him. If you need to rant, do it. Otherwise, don't bother. So sorry though, it's shit x

Chickenkeev · 03/08/2023 22:46

Chickenkeev · 03/08/2023 22:43

I haven't rtwt, but i know this feeling. I didn't speak to my father but it caused me quite a lot of shit when he died. But it depends if you have anything to say to him. If you need to rant, do it. Otherwise, don't bother. So sorry though, it's shit x

BUT it did cause me a lot of bother emotionally after. There's no easy way unfortunately.

unihornandrainhoes · 03/08/2023 22:51

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

CoachBeardsJane · 03/08/2023 22:51

Her having cancer doesn't stop her being awful but only you can know if you have peace around the nc

PinkFootstool · 03/08/2023 22:55

Absolutely not unreasonable.

My mates mum died last year. He had a similar knock on the door from his estranged sister a few months before. He didn't know whether to believe her or not. We all talked to him about it and he came to the conclusion he still didn't want to see her and we supported him with that through the whole process.

He didn't go to the funeral and he has no regrets.

Nothing good would have come of a sickbed reconciliation - she'd still have been vile to him, he'd have been left panicked and afraid of her again and it wouldn't change the outcome.

Do what is best for YOU, not her. She clearly hasn't put you first before when she was not ill, so nothing will change. People don't suddenly become nice just because of a diagnosis.

Well done on escaping and managing addictions!

Mortimermay · 03/08/2023 22:56

YNBU, it's fine to protect yourself from any further harm. I know someone who recently went through a similar issue and due to pressure from their siblings they agreed to see their parent. Long story short, there were a lot of arguments between this person and their siblings because they couldn't/weren't seen to be doing enough for this parent or helping out their siblings enough. They tried to reconnect with the parent but it opened a lot of old wounds and ultimately they ended up pulling away again before the parent died. They said they were glad that they felt as though they had tried at least before the end, but it caused a lot of heartache and left ongoing problems with their siblings that weren't there before. They said with hindsight they weren't sure that it was the right decision or whether they would do it again if that was possible knowing what they know now and all they could take from it was that they'd tried.
It's a really tough decision and only you can decide but you're definitely not being unreasonable.

Somanycats · 03/08/2023 23:04

Wow op! I can see you have really been super careful to present your query in as unbiased a way as possible, trying to help us to see both sides of the argument and not prompt us into giving answers that favour your good self.

Clarice99 · 03/08/2023 23:06

AIBU to stay NC to save my own life?

YANBU. You must put yourself first. It sounds as though you were in a very bad place prior to going NC and look at how far you've come!

Going NC is a very tough decision and can be difficult to maintain, especially when things like this happen. But, as long as you're at peace with your decision, that's all that matters 💐

lopel · 03/08/2023 23:10

Put your own needs first.

You can't be sure she actually even has cancer. Lots of narcissistic people invent illnesses to emotionally manipulate others.

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 03/08/2023 23:13

Yanbu. At all.

Are you NC with sibling too? Depending on your relationship with them I might be tempted to caution them to not overextend themselves caring for someone who it sounds like would never be satisfied, but if they've enabled the abuse of you and it would just open up a hornets nest then I wouldn't bother.

Grapewrath · 03/08/2023 23:24

My fil recently died and OH had been no contact with him for several years due to childhood abuse and years of bullying. MIL kept ringing him and was completely shocked that he didn’t want to go and see him. She even called when FIL was on his death bed and was saying things like ‘he can’t talk but he can hear you’ and expecting oh to tell him he loved him etc (he didn’t)
MIL was shocked that oh didn’t want to share some special memories at his funeral or even attend. It was so weird as soon as they knew FIL was dying it was like they expected all of the past to be forgiven and forgotten.
Anyway, oh didn’t engage with any of it and now FIL is dead he hasn’t regrets. He feels he would have felt worse to compromise his morals because FIL was going to die.
Stick to what is good for you OP.

Chickenkeev · 03/08/2023 23:25

NC is the way to go but it really hits when they die. It's not to be underestimated. OP's is a hard station. It really shouldn't be underestimated.

DNLove · 03/08/2023 23:31

Stick to your guns. You mad the right choice as all the joy in your life proves. If you feel like closure or a make of finality is required write her a letter. Sorry you have to go through this, I don't wish ill on you but we both know why we are where we are. I hope you find peace. Goodbye.
Feel no guilt, you know why you made this decision. They are relatives purely by blood, doesn't always mean we are compatible.

ButterCrackers · 03/08/2023 23:32

Your sibling knocked on your door to share the load - you are NC. You have your good reasons but she just wants you to do some of the work. Put yourself first. You are important. You have your own work load and mental health to manage that is crucial.

HardWorkAndLove · 03/08/2023 23:33

I think you’re doing the right thing not getting back in contact. Put yourself and your relationship with your partner before her. Don’t feel bad.

WeightoftheWorld · 03/08/2023 23:35

Somanycats · 03/08/2023 23:04

Wow op! I can see you have really been super careful to present your query in as unbiased a way as possible, trying to help us to see both sides of the argument and not prompt us into giving answers that favour your good self.

I have to agree with this tbh even though on the face of it I don't think you should feel obligated to resume contact. But the throwaway comment about how you behaved badly towards them is clearly a significant factor in this and whatever you did I don't think bad behaviour as an adult can be excused or blamed on your parents. Sure prior experiences can explain things to an extent but that's different from excusing it or blaming your choices and actions on someone else. And if you suffered trauma at their hands I can bet my bottom dollar they suffered their own traumas first too which will go some way to explain their parenting of you in turn. I think it can help all parties to be compassionate to each other - but only if it's reciprocal. If it's not then don't make contact if you don't want to.

RainRainPissOff · 03/08/2023 23:40

It might not even be true.
SIL pulled a similar stunt on my DH because he was LC with the family, she said that his mother had a serious illness and not much time left. Yelled at him in front of all of our neighbours to try and make him feel small. 8 years later, no sign of the mystery illness and she is in better health than me.
Even if it’s true, just keep in mind you are NC for a reason, and that reason won’t go away just because your mother is ill. She’s likely to just use it as a stick to beat you with.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/08/2023 23:42

Your mother having cancer changes nothing. Your sister only wants what's easiest for herself, not for you or even your mother.

Don't respond at all.

BiscuitsandPuffin · 03/08/2023 23:44

I remained NC.
My mum died.
I was relieved.
I also refused to pay for the funeral.
Sometimes people do things that are too evil to forgive.

saraclara · 03/08/2023 23:47

Get your DH to be the go between to find out exactly what's going on.

Cancer can be anything from an easily removed basal cell on the face, to stage 4 bowl cancer with only palliative treatment available. You need to at least be fully informed before you make your decision, so that you don't end up feeling unnecessary guilt.

sandyhappypeople · 04/08/2023 00:45

only you can answer the question OP. You only have to try and think about how your actions now will make you feel when she's gone, if you think you'll have any regrets then address them now, if you don't, then don't be pressured to do anything for anyone else but yourself.

I had a similar situation with my dad, been NC for a couple of years, he contacted me to say he had cancer, I went to see him and it was actually quite cathartic. Because of how removed from the situation I was, I actually felt like for once in my life, I could be completely honest with him about how I felt about the problems we had and told him exactly how the treatment I received from him and SM made me feel all these years from being a small child, no aggression, no anger just matter of fact. He listened to everything I had to say. He wanted me to deal with his affairs when he died and have any money left over and I said no, I told him to sell all his stuff and enjoy his money while he can because I honestly don't want any of it, I never had. There was no arguing, it was very calm and we left on a note of kind of sad acceptance really. I felt relieved that we'd got all that out in the open and I'd finally said my piece after 25 years of being made to feel utterly powerless, it was like a weight had lifted. I didn't contact him again, I got the phonecall from my stepsister around a year later to say he was in hospital dying, so I went, he was pretty checked out at that point, but I stayed in the hospital for a few days with my SS until he died as I felt no matter what I didn't want him to die alone and I couldn't leave my SS to bear that burden on her own either.

I have absolutely no regrets about my actions throughout, I felt I did the right thing by myself and by my dad by being honest and also being there in the end and by my SS, who didn't deserve to be left holding the bag.

You've worked too hard and come too far to let this ruin your progress, whatever you feel you need to do or don't need to do, only do it for yourself, but you do need to realise that they have no power over you anymore, you don't NEED them to have a successful life and fulfilling relationships, and no matter what they say or do now, it won't ultimately make a difference in your life because you've proved you've got the strength to go it alone, you're a different person now.

Remaker · 04/08/2023 01:33

I feel like your sibling has made the decision to stay NC easier by demanding that you share the load. Did they take steps to share the love/praise/favouritism when they were the golden child? They’re not trying to repair the relationship they’re just unhappy that being the favourite isn’t fun any more when you have to do all the caring work. Do what you need to do for you. I kept my emotional distance from my father when he was dying and I’ve never regretted it.

ThinWomansBrain · 04/08/2023 01:41

My Mother had cancer for a couple of years - I was v low contact for most of my adult life, but I did go and see her about a week before she died, and the funeral - I think I'm glad that I did.

MintJulia · 04/08/2023 01:49

YANBU

I had an abusive df. Was nc from aged 16 - 30. Then I got the 'he has cancer' call.

I refused to go back. He made my childhood an utter misery. Left me with self esteem issues that I'm still putting right now at 60. Cancer hadn't suddenly changed him from being a nasty controlling violent creep and I wasn't prepared to go through all that again.

You owe that sort of parent nothing.