To feel jealous of husbands cousin

[Anxious114tr]

I know I shouldn’t feel like this and normally that’s not how I am but I feel such jealously today over my husbands cousin. MIL showed me pictures of his cousins wedding that they’ve just been to and I felt so upset as she seems like she is so loved by the family - all aunties and uncles happy in the pictures, all cousins surrounding her and she had tons of friends all laughing etc. plus her mother is so loving towards her all the times I’ve met her. It’s not all just pictures as I’ve met her in real life and she has all those things in RL, she has the confidence you can only get coming from a loving and supportive family.

Total opposite of my own wedding day - no one spoke to me, my own mother didn’t give a shit about me as she was too busy fawning over the grandkids, I’m not joking but she was more corncerned how the grandkids looked than her own daughter looking nice for her wedding day.

I got ready on my own in a hotel as sisters couldn’t leave the kids and had to take care of them (same sisters who btw I see on social media having weekends away with friends so no issue leaving kids then). I felt so alone and like an outcast on my own wedding day there seemed to be no excitement or anything positive. Most of the relatives didn’t speak to me as they hardly knew me, I was the youngest so by the time I was old enough to have memories my parents had fallen out with all their siblings on both sides so I didn’t really know them but my sisters had memories of them and knew them. The only relatives I did know there was tensions due to me being sexually abused by a male relative when I was a small child which he admitted to but they managed to twist things and say awful things about me which I don’t want to post here right now.

I didn’t really have real friends due to not being able to make connections with people from childhood trauma I faced (neglect, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, being bullied at home and school).

I hate feeling like this but I feel
so jealous and think how my life would have turned out if I had the same unconditional love and support from my family. There is zero jealously with her siblings they all wanted her to look beautiful and were running around in the videos and from what MIL said how efficiently everything ran.

On my own wedding day it was chaos, in the morning I was chasing the cake delivery plus other things, my make up artist did a terrible job even tho I had a trial and looked completely different. I didn’t have time to care how I looked as I had to quickly get venue decorated (no one helped me in my family again as they have small kids the sane excuse).

How can I move on with life and not hold these resentments. My wedding day was one day where things should have been about me but they were not at all about me. Just looking at the pictures you can tell I wasn’t loved. Mil who knows nothing about my family dynamics or abuse even commented to DH about the atmosphere of our wedding day.

I am a mother now with small kids and I can’t imagine not getting involved and letting my youngest siblings do everything if I had any. I just don’t get it.

I think I know how you feel. I had some childhood trauma and family breakdown. And I can recognise in other people what you’re describing - that confidence of being unconditionally loved by a supportive family. My parents are dead, I sometimes feel like I’ve got no ‘support network’ but I put my efforts into making my children feel loved and turning them into people like your husband’s cousin.

Bless you OP, just wanted to send you a hug. Your family sound like they’ve really let you down over many things. I know it can’t change things but wedding day disappointment is so common, hardly anyone has the perfect day and the main thing is your ongoing marriage. I hope that is what you deserve and that DH treasures you as he should. You’ve got your own family and little ones now and can make your own happy occasions together. Sending you good thoughts

@Birdienumnumm thank you for understanding and sorry about your parents. It is tough not having a support network. If I had more confidence I would go and make lots of friends who would be my support but I always feel that no one likes me or wants me around.

I do this too. Id hate my kids to feel as shit as me.

@ferntwist thank you. I didn’t realise at the time I had so much trauma, I was a very naive 20 something. I thought all families were like mine. Funny enough DH who was really sweet at the beginning when we were dating changed a lot and in reality has become cold and unloving like my own parents. A part of me thinks it’s me whose changed him but another part thinks I unconsciously chose him as he was “familiar” but I don’t know if I did as he was loving in the beginning.

Sorry that youre experiencing pain OP.

Your cousin's day just highlighted how things COULD have been.

In your post you highlighted several areas in your life which require attention: you identified several areas in your life which require attention e.g. healing past trauma and exploring how it is impacting the choices you make; examining your marriage and looking to see if it can be saved or not; finding friends/connections in your life now.

Focusing on the work is where you should channel the strong emotion.

@ThatFraggle thank you. I am really trying, I’ve reached out to a few people but I never get a response. If I’m being totally honest a couple of people of the years have also reached out to arrange dinner etc. but I always make excuses. I have severe social anxiety too which makes meeting new people very difficult.

I completely understand. I do catering for weddings and it makes me sad when I realise how shit mine was in comparison and how little effort was made by everyone. Its really hard and you have my sympathy.

Thank you everyone for the lovely messages and sorry some of you also went through the same situations.

I don’t know how to change my life. Therapy is pointless I’ve had therapy for nearly 20 years. It made zero difference. I wish I knew how to move forward. I’m thinking step one should be looking better as I’ve put on nearly 4 stones over the years. Second step I’m not sure as I’ve been trying to lose weight for a good few years. What would your steps be to change your life?

How many different types of therapy have you tried?

I’ve tried CBT, and DBT. Also hypnosis and life coach (both were rubbish)

So sorry you feel this way OP. Sometimes once you start looking at the bad things it can all seem bad.

Maybe one thing you can do is try and force yourself to write down some positive memories from your wedding day. Because you WERE loved - there was a man right there declaring it to the world.

Did you have a lovely first dance? Was the buffet nice? Did your kids look cute? Did one of them think you were a princess? Did the sun shine? Did you have a giggle with a friend?

Anything at all that helps you to reframe the day to be a positive will help you to start seeing it’s not all bad.

It’s a tiny step in the scheme of things but might help you feel a little better about this particular issue when you think back on it. X

@Anxious114tr OP, I highly recommend googling the Hoffman Process. It's a week of intense non-therapy-but-feels-like-it ideal for people who experienced childhood trauma. I did it and it changed my life so much. It's not cheap but worth every penny.

People can get stuck in the past, reliving the same old pain over and over which does no good but can't ,so it seems, be prevented.
There are two groups of people who matter in your life - your family who caused you to be damaged and your children who need to be protected from damage and more importantly to have their self confidence built up. You can give them the life you should have had, supportive and loving. Setting your heart on this might also go some way to healing yourself. Good luck.

I can relate. I had an awful childhood with abuse and poverty and for some reason it's just seeped into my adult life. When my husband and I booked our wedding, the next day we went for a pub lunch with his family and told them of our plans, venue etc and the following day my SIL decided to tell another family member who was also looking to book their wedding, about the venue we'd already booked and strongly advised them to book the same venue: I was so upset when they actually booked it that I cancelled the wedding. I felt completely portrayed as there's no way they wouldn't have done that on purpose.
Upset me because my SIL in laws wedding was all paid for with loving relatives etc so why she had to go and shit on my day, when I've done nothing but show her friendship and love, and she knows what life I've had too, I'll never know.

I think a traumatic childhood can leave you with all sorts of issues later on. I think some people just have it so easy and it's sad that often those who've had a crappy childhood often have crappy adult lives too, as if we haven't been through enough!. I'm sorry your family is so rubbish and you've had to go through things nobody should ever have to go through xxx

There are so many things to unpack in your post- the tiny things (make up and cake) that were probably exasperated due to the big things (the family stuff). Even some of the family stuff seemed huge but may not have been- maybe your mother was just busy with gcs or your sisters on that day did just have issues with their children. You had a really tough time and everything now seems awful for you. I think you need to look at the good things in your life that you’re lucky to have (your kids), and talk to the people in your family you feel let down by and tell them you’re lonely and sad and need to help. Also start doing a few small bits to start making your lot feel better- a bit of pampering, a good book or a hobby, get active or swimming, get out more with the kids for nice walks etc .

fullbloom87

I don’t understand they booked in on the same day as your wedding day or they booked the same venue for a different day?

I don’t get the issue? Why were you so upset they booked the same venue? They must host hundreds of weddings!

I hesitated about responding because I wasn’t sure how to start but I really felt for you and wanted to add my support along with everyone else.
I can’t say that I’ve experienced what you have because that’s not true but I do “get” how you’re feeling.
My advice fwiw would be not to think about looking better but to focus on feeling better within yourself. For me that meant trying to eat a bit better, getting out and walking as much as possible, when things felt especially difficult just trying to change one small thing every day, choosing to say yes one day instead of no or vice versa. Reward or treat yourself with something other than food
Therapy (either in the formal sense or self help) can work when you put the ideas learned in therapy into practise in real life
I truly wish you well and am looking forward to reading about how you get on 😊

i think you should stabilise your social anxiety with sertraline first, then do therapy. Also couples therapy.

That’s such an awful childhood and I’m not surprised it’s been tricky to move forward. On top of sertraline I’d recommend getting out in nature and doing mindfulness, lots of walking for fitness and eventually joining a rambling group. Exercise can be a great mood stabiliser and grounding.

I understand how you feel - mine is similar. And perhaps feel how lucky your cousin is, but know you have the power to accept your own life and to make it a good one. You may not have a good, supportive family but you can make really good choices from now on, about who you let into your life. Every day make sure you do something which makes you proud and allow your self-confidence and bravery to increase. Choose a good life with the cards you have been dealt and know that anyone, despite having amazing families, can have trouble in their life, sadly. Good luck and take care xx

I'm sorry that you are feeling sad and for what you have been through in the past. From what you have said it sounds like your family have let you down and not just on your wedding day but going all the way back to your childhood when your parents should have protected you and seemingly didn't do much atall?
With a family like yours I wouldn't be bothering much with any of them and focusing on your beautiful children and husband. Your feelings of jealousy at your cousin make sense. It's probably more of a longing/greiving for the life you never had. Iv felt jealous of people before who have been surrounded by lots of family and love from all angles. It can be hard to accept you didn't get the same but like I said I would focus on your family unit and maybe consider getting some help to deal with your past trauma if you haven't already.

I think this wedding is just the straw that broke the camels back, It's a bit of a red herring in that it's not really about the wedding, it's just the thing that has brought into focus what an all round shit childhood you had and what an awful, abusive family you have who aren't able to give you the love you desperately want.

I think the sad mistake you made with your own wedding was hoping that people who had never previously supported you, would step up and make it a special day for you. Not your fault at all, we all want to feel loved and supported and hope family will be there to do that.

You can't change any of the shit past you've had but the future is much more in your control. These relatives that twisted your sexual abuse and made it your fault, they are not good people and you do not ever have to have anything to do with them again. Think about your mum and what she can offer as a mother and grandmother - is she bringing value to your life? your kids lives? Do you need to step away from her too? Do you need to keep her at arms length? Your marriage doesn't sound great either - are there steps you can take to make yourself more independent so you can think about moving on from it?

It might help you to start thinking about everyone in your life and whether they have mostly positive or mostly negative influence and where you would like the relationship to go and whether they are able to be the person you need and want them to be. You can then perhaps work out what relationships to put more work into, what ones to keep at arms length and what ones to step away completely from. This will hopefully make you feel more in control of your relationships rather than just carrying them on, wishing they were different and feeling at the mercy of them.

I think you also need to look at self care, suffers of SA often put on weight as a safety/defence mechanism to help keep people away. They often struggle with self care. Instead of looking to lose weight perhaps look to eat more healthily and exercise more. Small steps.

At the root of everything though is your childhood abuse including sexual abuse that wasn't treated as it should be. Have you had counselling specifically to deal with that? It is still hugely affecting your life and you deserve help for it. To be blamed when you are a victim is just devastating and of course is going to really affect you going forward. Get more help because what you've had wasn't right or wasn't enough. It also sounds like you've lost all trust in people (understandably) but at the same time feel very lonely. That is definitely something you need to think about - where/how can I meet good people in positive places and start making friends and slowly learn that there are people out there who can be trusted.

Good luck OP. start looking forward, taking back control, putting in boundaries and get more support if you can. If it all feels overwhelming then just one small step at a time and let that one settle in before you start the next.

I’m so sorry. I had a similar experience - with a horrible wedding day and not a great upbringing (although on paper I’m sure it looked idyllic).
whenever I see people with big happy weddings I feel jealous too. Like the PP said - a longing for what I never had.
BUT ! You can move past it. You can move on from your childhood and create a happy, healthy life for yourself. Look how far you’ve come. You found someone who you care for and who cares for you. You have lovely children and I’m sure are a great mum. Those who come from pain usually are.
You don’t know what the cousin’s life is really like. Maybe she had dramas on her day but kept them hidden. Maybe her life isn’t a bed of roses and she has struggles of her own.
You are not your past OP. You are not defined by what has happened to you.
I would seek out a really good life coach. Someone who can help you look forward and focus on how you want to feel and how to get there.
Each new day we have the ability to start over . Don’t let your past dictate your now and your future.
look upwards and forwards OP.