To feel jealous of husbands cousin

[Anxious114tr]

I know I shouldn’t feel like this and normally that’s not how I am but I feel such jealously today over my husbands cousin. MIL showed me pictures of his cousins wedding that they’ve just been to and I felt so upset as she seems like she is so loved by the family - all aunties and uncles happy in the pictures, all cousins surrounding her and she had tons of friends all laughing etc. plus her mother is so loving towards her all the times I’ve met her. It’s not all just pictures as I’ve met her in real life and she has all those things in RL, she has the confidence you can only get coming from a loving and supportive family.

Total opposite of my own wedding day - no one spoke to me, my own mother didn’t give a shit about me as she was too busy fawning over the grandkids, I’m not joking but she was more corncerned how the grandkids looked than her own daughter looking nice for her wedding day.

I got ready on my own in a hotel as sisters couldn’t leave the kids and had to take care of them (same sisters who btw I see on social media having weekends away with friends so no issue leaving kids then). I felt so alone and like an outcast on my own wedding day there seemed to be no excitement or anything positive. Most of the relatives didn’t speak to me as they hardly knew me, I was the youngest so by the time I was old enough to have memories my parents had fallen out with all their siblings on both sides so I didn’t really know them but my sisters had memories of them and knew them. The only relatives I did know there was tensions due to me being sexually abused by a male relative when I was a small child which he admitted to but they managed to twist things and say awful things about me which I don’t want to post here right now.

I didn’t really have real friends due to not being able to make connections with people from childhood trauma I faced (neglect, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, being bullied at home and school).

I hate feeling like this but I feel
so jealous and think how my life would have turned out if I had the same unconditional love and support from my family. There is zero jealously with her siblings they all wanted her to look beautiful and were running around in the videos and from what MIL said how efficiently everything ran.

On my own wedding day it was chaos, in the morning I was chasing the cake delivery plus other things, my make up artist did a terrible job even tho I had a trial and looked completely different. I didn’t have time to care how I looked as I had to quickly get venue decorated (no one helped me in my family again as they have small kids the sane excuse).

How can I move on with life and not hold these resentments. My wedding day was one day where things should have been about me but they were not at all about me. Just looking at the pictures you can tell I wasn’t loved. Mil who knows nothing about my family dynamics or abuse even commented to DH about the atmosphere of our wedding day.

I am a mother now with small kids and I can’t imagine not getting involved and letting my youngest siblings do everything if I had any. I just don’t get it.

I’m so sorry you’re struggling, OP, it sounds really tough.

As a PP said, sertraline was the first step for me in being able to start to address some deeply ingrained trauma issues. It wasn’t all I needed, but it has really calmed my anxiety.

I didn’t like the idea of medication for ages, but now wish I had tried it much sooner. Speak to your GP.

Hi OP . I thought I’d tell you about something which has really helped me recently. I have a strained relationship with my mother, she is cold and judgemental amongst other things. My father was difficult also . I won’t go into everything but my wedding and the run up to it although nice had some difficulties. My parents decided to have a huge row 2 days before , she had a new dress and he was annoyed she hadn’t told him, she was annoyed he hadn’t noticed.. I remember sitting on the floor sobbing that they couldn’t just once let me have something for myself, they had to make it all about them. No one said I looked lovely in my dress, in fact my mother tutted about something. Although a picture of my sister in her bridesmaids dress is held up as wonderful. I remember I wrote a letter afterwards thanking them for their help with the wedding, practical things, which was a big step for me as it’s unlike me to be emotional with them ,they completely ignored it.
Anyway, recently I had some sessions with a psychologist, she was amazing and really “ got” me . She recommended I look up something called “The mother wound” just google it. I was so taken aback , it described my mother almost perfectly, and also how I am . Honestly, I feel lighter for reading about it, I feel as it isn’t all my fault somehow for me being how I am . No self esteem, no confidence, no friends, comfort eater , the list goes on . I don’t exactly blame her for everything, I have to take some responsibility for myself, but somehow I feel lighter ! I’m also proud of myself, it’s not unusual for this cold behaviour to be replicated down the generations, but I chose to be completely different to my children, I hug them , tell them I love them, I’m empathetic etc etc so I feel I’ve broken the chain a bit . I’m not used to feeling proud of myself ! It’s a good feeling ! I’ve also just realised typing this how supportive my siblings are.
Have a read, I hope it helps. Take care & big hug !

Try to put the whole subject of weddings behind you - I understand that it's sort of crystallised the problem for you, but both these events are in the past.

Focus on making the best possible life for yourself and your own children. I'm sure you'll be able to turn around these negative feelings to give them the sort of love and security you lacked. That's all that matters!

Sorry to sound miserable, but personally I don't take much notice of anyone's wedding - and I forget them very quickly. It's just one day and will fade in your memory and in terms of your priorities.

Thank you so much everyone. Today has been very difficult. I cried and tried to talk to husband who ignored me and said he’s got a work deadline and can’t deal with me right now. We’ve been married 12 years and quite honestly I feel I get more from having a quick 30 second chat with my local Tesco cashiers about the weather than I do trying to talk to him about anything. I’m just not his priority at all.

@Sahara123 thank you for that recommendation and sorry you had such an awful time with your parents too.

You deserve to be loved OP. You have always and do always deserve love, compassion and care. You are worthy. You are deserving of the life you desire.

I have a lot of sympathy for your situation but you are making a lot of assumptions based on photos. You really never know what people have going on in their lives.

@Iknowthis1 its not just photos! I don’t think you’ve read all my posts. I know these people very well. They are husbands cousins. I see them almost weekly basis. I didn’t attend the wedding as I knew it would bring back my issues with my own wedding.

Hi OP, I didn't want to read and run although I'm not in your shoes. CSA is a massive trauma, it goes without saying, and it sounds like the behaviour of your parents and family around that time was pretty terrible, from your post. That's huge and is enough to break even the strongest person, when you aren't made safe again after childhood trauma.

I really feel like you're having bad therapists or bad luck if you've been in therapy for 20 years and nothing has helped. Do you go into therapy honestly and openly, with a desire to heal?

I have ups and downs still, I'm not happy every day like people on Instagram :) but I know therapy has saved my life. Please keep trying to find someone you deeply connect to who you can go "into the core wound" with, and start to really heal. Don't mess around with 'how your day has been' for too long! Get to the deep stuff. Also, I paid £60 a session for 5 private sessions of EMDR and it has made a huge improvement to my PTSD. I'd really recommend that modality.

You may want to go NC with toxic family members. I am NC with my dad for lots of reasons, mainly because he makes me feel anxious and unloved and drains my energy... You are allowed to choose who is part of your life. You can take care of yourself now that you are grown - no one else has to do it for you.

Lastly I think if you were my best friend I'd be seeing if you could try taking responsibility for who you are today, for how your day goes today, and for making sure your needs get met BY YOU. Please believe I mean this kindly, but there is a pattern in your posts where you seem both negative and needy. People I know who are like that find it hard to have good marriages and friendships because they understand their lives such that it's everyone else's "fault" that they aren't happy. If you wake up feeling extremely sad, you could try meeting your own needs - meditate or have a good cry and then a cup of tea, or go for a walk until you feel better - and then ask your husband how he's doing, and be really interested? Let him have the attention? Then it can be your time to do the needing next time.

Sorry if this sounds bossy and as if I'm bashing you when you're down. I truly am trying to be supportive. I wish you all the best finding healing and happiness.

@WoolyMammoth55 thank you. You’re right I do need to take responsibility. I don’t think therapy has worked as they don’t give advice. They don’t tell you how to make changes they just listen, I’m going to try working on making things better. I think I do expect husband to make everything better which I shouldn’t. Have you got any advice on how to try establishing meaningful friendships?

Oh bless you. Yes, I like my counsellors to give advice too - I always ask for that! Can you try asking them?

I felt like the big change in my friendships came after I "made friends with myself" - as a teenager I was really insecure and told a lot of lies to try to be the kind of person I thought would be liked. Then I decided that wasn't how I wanted to be, stopped lying - well, except white lies in social emergencies :) - and started liking the person I really am.

That was a game changer and after that I made life-long friends who love 'the real me' and who I spent ridiculous amounts of time with.

In 2019 we moved to a new area (to give the kids a garden) where we knew nobody. I was shameless and chatted to people at the school gates, in the park, gave my phone number out to strange women who had smiled nicely at me in the queue for a coffee! I didn't gossip or generate any drama and I was interested in them, and reciprocal with giving time and help. The kids have been the big social lubricants, honestly - all my friends have kids who get on with my kids.

I now have 3 really close friends who I can really lean on, and vice versa - proper besties who I am totally myself with and who know they can pop in for a coffee while I'm in my PJs, unshowered, etc, if that's when they need a chat! There's no mask I have to put on to be ready for them, IYSWIM.

I think being positive, being authentic, being interested in them and being forgiving in case of crossed wires or lateness, etc, are what has helped my recent friendships grow.

Wish you all the best.