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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It’s up to me how long I think I’ve been ttc for ??

27 replies

LastChanceForIt · 03/08/2023 17:55

Went for coffee with dsis and some mutual friends . Dsis is 27 weeks and tried for 7 months to fall pregnant.

I consider that I’ve been trying to have a baby for 2.5 years. Ttc for 12 months then had tests and investigations. At 19 months had a chemical . At 24 months had an ectopic and had to pause for 3 months due to the medication used then trying again which brings me to the 2.5 year mark.

As we were talking ( everyone knows what had happened to me) and I’d said about it getting me down now dsis pipes up that actually it’s not 2.5 years as when I had the ectopic that ‘reset the clock’ then she said she had waited 7 months and I shouldn’t make out I’ve been waiting longer than I have ??!!!
I was so upset I just walked out I can’t take much more of it and I was hurt. But am I wrong when I say 2.5 years ?

OP posts:
HopityHope · 03/08/2023 17:58

Sorry she was so hurtful, is she normally like this or just during her pregnancy? Well done for walking out to protect yourself. What happened after that? I would also consider it 2.5 years of TTC

faban · 03/08/2023 17:59

I'm sorry for what you've been through. You're right IMO. Your sister is a really insensitive and it's a really mean hurtful thing to say.

Original poster
LastChanceForIt · 03/08/2023 18:02

HopityHope · 03/08/2023 17:58

Sorry she was so hurtful, is she normally like this or just during her pregnancy? Well done for walking out to protect yourself. What happened after that? I would also consider it 2.5 years of TTC

I just went home . Dsis hasn’t apologised I haven’t even heard from her I guess she thinks she is right. One of our friends messaged me to say she hopes I’m ok and she understands and if I need to talk we can meet up alone.

in all honesty I hadn’t really wanted to go and sit through dsis talking about her pregnancy but I’d tried to put that aside but I wish I’d said I was busy. I’m 7dpo for this month too and feeling like I have the usual pmt symptoms so just generally fed up

OP posts:
Olderandolder · 03/08/2023 18:10

You are definitely right.

Besides which you are in a tough spot emotionally and your sister is clearly emotionally immature.

Stand up for yourself. Making your sister recognise the importance of your struggle really matters.

Good luck! I had my IVF baby after five years, failures and a miscarriage.

LunaandLily · 03/08/2023 18:30

Wow, YANBU!! How dare she? Well done on walking out - I would have exploded if anyone said that to me. The “clock” does not get reset until you have a healthy, viable pregnancy which results in a baby. How dare she minimise your pain and your loss. Seething on your behalf OP!

wp65 · 03/08/2023 18:37

Your sister sounds insane.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Psalmbodytolove · 03/08/2023 18:46

What?! Your sister is rude and extremely out of order. Well done for walking out! Like someone above said, the clock does not “reset” until you have a viable pregnancy. What a horrid thing for her to say!

Outdamnspot23 · 03/08/2023 18:50

I don't suppose she's a medic of some kind is she? I was told by a consultant that I'd only been trying for 3 months (rather than 18 months) as she "started the clock" from when I'd recovered physically from a miscarriage. This seemed incredibly callous and nonsensical to me although I guess from a purely medical POV (rather than a life point of view) you have "only" been trying THIS TIME for 7 months.

I could just about take it from the doctor since I guess they have their own definition of things, but if my sister had said it I'd have done exactly what you did as OF COURSE you have been trying to have a baby for 2.5 years and you don't have one yet. No other definition makes sense among family/friends. I'm sorry this happened and hope you have support x

PimpMyFridge · 03/08/2023 18:51

Her ignorance and total lack of empathy or ability to appreciate the callous dismissiveness of her words is breathtaking and astonishing.
What she said would be bad enough if she wasn't expecting, but to be in the context of her drawing parallels between her 7 month TTC and your multiple events and medical interventions is 😲

Peony654 · 03/08/2023 18:51

Of course you’re right. What a weird thing for her to pick over.

Olika · 03/08/2023 18:54

I am so so sorry you had to experience this. I would have walked out as well. You will get there, don't give up. Flowers

WeekendInParis · 03/08/2023 18:55

You have been trying for 2.5 years. Saying the clock has reset is callous and stupid and utterly wrong. From a medical pov, I can understand a doctor needing to distinguish between someone trying and never being able to conceive at all, and someone trying and conceiving but not having a viable pregnancy. But that's purely to try to find the cause and hopefully a solution. It doesn't reduce the amount of time the second woman has been trying. What a horrendous thing for your sister to say; I don't know how I would get past that. Huge sympathy to you, OP.

mumofboys8787 · 03/08/2023 18:55

Your sister is a selfish twat

greenteaandmarshmallows · 03/08/2023 18:55

Oof thats a hard one to forgive OP. I'm so sorry

OneMoreCookieMonster · 03/08/2023 19:02

Outdamnspot23 · 03/08/2023 18:50

I don't suppose she's a medic of some kind is she? I was told by a consultant that I'd only been trying for 3 months (rather than 18 months) as she "started the clock" from when I'd recovered physically from a miscarriage. This seemed incredibly callous and nonsensical to me although I guess from a purely medical POV (rather than a life point of view) you have "only" been trying THIS TIME for 7 months.

I could just about take it from the doctor since I guess they have their own definition of things, but if my sister had said it I'd have done exactly what you did as OF COURSE you have been trying to have a baby for 2.5 years and you don't have one yet. No other definition makes sense among family/friends. I'm sorry this happened and hope you have support x

Agree with this.

When I was in similar situation and was seeing a consultant for recurrent mc and had had an ectopic. I was told that the clock started from then as, if the ectopic was in the right place it could have been a viable pregnancy and is classed as a pregnancy regardless therefore even though the mc and ectopics were losses they are still counted as a pregnancy.

I would consider you trying for 2.5 yrs. I always say we tried for x yrs and had x losses and x ectopics if I'm asked.

Sorry you're going through this. Hopefully, this is your month

itsmylife7 · 03/08/2023 19:07

That's a really nasty thing to say to anyone even more so your sister. She should recognise that and bloody apologise.

Mangotango39 · 03/08/2023 19:20

Wow wow wow very mean and insensitive instead.

There's not clock reset cmon! You started trying 2.5 years ago and your not pregnant , simple as that.

She needs to consider how difficult that is.
Hope your ok op and she comes to her senses /apologises x

Senorfrijoles · 03/08/2023 19:40

She's competing with you over infertility? That is soooo bizarre. Just why?

Sorry for your losses OP.

Poppins2016 · 03/08/2023 20:40

Oh goodness, I'm sorry OP, that's a horribly hurtful and insensitive thing for your sister to have said. Like the others, my immediate thought was that your TTC journey doesn't stop until you have a viable pregnancy and a live baby in your arms.

Original poster
LastChanceForIt · 03/08/2023 20:51

Thanks everyone I feel a bit better now had a good cry and lots of chocolate. I think I have pmt so that didn’t help and I just feel so fed up of it all !

OP posts:
Redbushteaforme · 03/08/2023 21:14

YADNBU.

Also, if she is trying to outcompete you, her 7 months' TTC is not at all unusual and would not be regarded as her having experienced problems TTC.

Sorry for your losses. Hang on in there!

midtownmum · 03/08/2023 21:25

WTAF is wrong with her? You're obviously right, the clock doesn't "reset". Is she seriously trying to make out that she's had a worse time than you, even though she's pregnant and you're not? What a total cow.

brentwoods · 03/08/2023 23:20

Until you have a baby in hand, your clock keeps running. Sorry she was so rude.

onemonth · 04/08/2023 00:29

Your sister sound like a mean girl!

I'm sorry for your losses..

Commentsonly · 04/08/2023 01:00

I’m same as you OP and in my mind I tried for over two years for mine. It’s the day you start trying till the day you get one.

I think if anyone told me time spent on miscarriages didn’t count I would do more than just walk out!!